Friday, June 4, 2010

Friday Ramblings

I start each day with a list of things that I need to get done. However, every day I come to the end of the day without coming to the end of my list. I am not sure if I need to shorten my lists or just give up on the idea of lists all together.

The little ones would be content if I worked out in the yard all day long. However, once the sun gets high in the sky and the sweat starts to blind me, then it is time to head in to the central air conditioning.

Anthony and Larissa found some of John's old headgear today. It reminded me that I need to call my National Guard unit soon to see how to find a new slot with a different unit.
Sarah has been spending a lot of time in the middle of the living room floor. Our wireless router isn't working in the house. I have purchased two different brands and can't get the wireless portion to work. So, we have wires running around the house. I guess I need to get to town and find one with a stronger signal. I am not sure what else to do at this point.

Oh, we have no seating in the living room because we gave it to Tasha before we moved out. We do have a big couch out in the family room but the internet wire wouldn't reach.


Today I have been thinking about Joselin a lot. I remember well the day we decided that she had to leave our home. She had done something that made me really worry about her future safety. I know that some folks wonder how I can send a child away and it is hard to explain.

Almost seven years ago Joselin came into our home. We had so many challenges but they seemed doable. The days weren't all bad and we did develop a relationship. She has said and still says that she sees me as her mom. However, she really didn't seem to want a relationship with anyone else in the family.

Her past life has hardened her heart towards any relationships. Relationships are very hard for her. At some point we stopped seeing healing and instead saw more pulling away. No matter what I tried I couldn't seem to bring her back. She had to want to be a part of us and was rejecting us instead.

I will freely admit that I do live up to my husband's nickname of "soft touch". I am definitely a soft touch. I can't do tough love well even when I know it is needed. I do have a friend Kim who can do it well. She spent her teen years as a a foster child, graduated from Job Corps and worked hard to be successful. For years she has asked me to send Joselin to live with her for awhile.

I was always reluctant because I felt that attachment couldn't happen if my child was not in my home. However, the incident happened and I knew that she had to leave our home for a while. We have no grandparents to send her to, no uncles, only one aunt (who makes me look tough, she is a softer touch), really no family to help out in a pinch. Kim said to send Jo to her, we decided that it was the best thing to do at the time and so we did.

I have questioned that decision (mainly because I AM a soft touch) but I do know that it has been a great learning experience for Joselin. She has had experiences that we couldn't provide for her. She has seen other families struggling, seen a single mom work hard to provide for her children, seen that life isn't all that fun without family support.

When we talk I can see that she does have a better understanding of, and appreciation for, her family. Do I expect her to come home and life be free of I know that I am still dealing with that child, teen, young adult who is carrying a lot of baggage around. However, if she is willing to make even a small amount of effort, to soften her heart just a little, she will find that she will reap great rewards.

Sarah is struggling with this right now. Joselin has hurt her in so many ways and she is almost afraid to have Joselin back. However, Sarah also has such a forgiving heart. She has cleared half the closet for Joselin and is making room for her. I hope that they will be able to build some type of a relationship.

I guess that time will tell. We will continue to put one foot in front of the other and move forward with hope.

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