Monday, May 31, 2010

I Miss You Mom

I miss you mom.

Such simple words, words I have been wanting to hear from my daughter Joselin.

Today she said them to me with sincerity.

She misses me.

I pointed out to her that this was the first time that she said that to me since she left. She said that she knew that. She said that it was very hard for her to say that, to trust that to anyone. She trusts me enough to tell me that she misses me.

Sunday, May 30, 2010


The unpacking continues. I am growing very weary of doing it but I really want to finish while my husband is still here. After he leaves I will only have his muscle available on the weekends. I guess I could call and have Jason come and lift the heavy stuff, but he doesn't live here so wouldn't be at my beck and call.

John just brought in 8 boxes of books for me to put away. I don't know if that is all our books or not. Every time we move, he complains that we have too many books. He is probably right, but I can't stand to get rid of books. Many of our hardback children books actually came from my mom. She kept all our childhood books and since I am the only provider of grandchildren I received all of them.

I guess it is taking a long time to unpack because I find every available opportunity to be distracted. Movies to see, shopping to do and places to go. I went to Lowes for some sprinkler irrigation parts and came home with plants. I have some yard work to do, Lowes has 10% off for military this weekend, that led to the temptation to buy plants. However, I am forcing myself to leave the yard work for after the house is finished. Those plants sitting in their pots are such a temptation for me to be distracted.

The little ones are ready for mom to be finished with the unpacking as well. Larissa has already asked me several times when will I work on her playhouse. I told her I need to finish unpacking and my chop saw. The rest of our household goods are supposed to be in on Friday. My chop saw and vacuum cleaner are in that batch.

Larissa likes to play near me when I am unpacking. She left me a gift today.....

I wish I had time to play.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Starting the Process, Foster Care Certification

We have started the process towards being foster parents again. I feel such a strong calling towards foster care. To have the opportunity to help a child on such a personal level is so rewarding, exhausting, challenging, scary, exciting and more.

You don't know when the call will come and who will walk in your door. What issues will you have to deal with; medically, developmentally, behaviorally, emotionally.

You will have no clue how long a child will be in your home. Future planning is thrown out the door. Our two little ones we adopted were to be with us for "just a little while".

Your life will be thrown into turmoil as you navigate doctor appointments, visitations, evaluations and emotions on all sides.

You worry that you will forget a kid somewhere and maybe even look for a kid that has already left.

Even so, we feel the call to be foster parents.

We got our fingerprints taken last week

Bought a fire extinguisher today and got it inspected

Have all of our physicals in order

Have our fire escape plan posted on the fridge

Placed the escape ladder in the future foster room upstairs

Bought lock boxes for medicines

Checked all the fire alarms

Set up extra beds

Now.....we wait for a fire inspection, for DSS to come and bring more paperwork.

In the meantime, we continue to unpack.......

Lessons from Shrek

Yesterday we took a break from our unpacking to take the kids to go see Shrek. It was a very cute story and I am not sure if my little ones understood what the moral of the story was, but I did.

Shrek was living the good life but it got boring. He wished for the "good" old days when he could be an ogre. He got his wish and lost everything in the process. Naturally, the rest of the movie was about how he got his life back.

I wonder how many of us are like Shrek, not appreciating what we do have. The old the grass is greener on the other side theory. I know that sometimes I get bogged down in life and responsibilities and don't really appreciate all that I have in life.

Sometimes I am just too busy, too distracted, too surrounded by "stuff", to really appreciate my family. But, I wouldn't trade them for my "old" single days. I love my family and my crazy life. It is mine and I have no desire to wish it away.

I think that I am going to try and slow down just a little bit and really enjoy my crazy family.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Where did all this stuff come from?

Unpacking really makes you see what all you have. Many things we don't just have one of, we have several of. Every time we move, we acquire more tools to use while we are trying to unpack the stuff.

I have at least 10 pairs of scissors. I have one with Jason's name written on it from his elementary school days, he is now 21 years old. So why is it that when I want a pair I can't find any?

We don't seem to get rid of anything.

Every year I buy the young kids a new box of crayons and resupply along the way as needed. Somehow many crayons make it home at the end of the year and make it into our crayon stash. Before we moved, I threw away pounds of crayons, I know that some dated back a good 10 years.

So, a lot of my time has been spent unpacking and trying to decide what to do with the stuff. In this house it is so easy to just keep and worry about it later because it does have a lot of storage. I have a long way to go!

We have decided to stay in Smalltown, SC, after a lifetime of moving I just feel at home here. This is a first for me.....47 years of moving and I feel like I have come home. So, we put an ad on Craigslist last night for free moving boxes.....we have a few extra with many still in the house. Someone replied this morning and is coming over today.

I put all the toys in one space but haven't had time to even get to them yet. The little ones have pulled some out and are so content to be home. We got Larissa her bike and the little ones spend many hours every day riding. Ha, after the first day Larissa came to me complaining that her bottom hurt, too much bike riding.

Yesterday we did get to Augusta to find John an apartment. We were able to find him a place very close to work so he is content. He will be 100 miles away so he will be home every weekend. He is giving them a year and then will be trying to get closer to home.

Lots to do today so I'd better get at it.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Long drive, made it to South Carolina

It was a long drive to South Carolina. Within 30 miles I was ready for a nap. Just couldn't get into my driving groove for some reason. Jason, who was following us, was having the same issue. So, that meant way too many stops to wake up and refresh.

All along the way there was a lot of traffic and police. It was a Thursday so we weren't sure why there was so much police presence and traffic. We hit a lot of traffic going over the Mississippi River. Every time I cross that bridge I am amazed that the bridge is still standing. I see missing pieces and such. But we were glad to see the Mississippi, it meant we were making progress.

Once we got past the Mississippi we made good speed until we hit upon a terrible traffic jam. It wasn't until we got to the accident that we realized why. A truck had lost it's load.

We got into Biloxi and decided to stop for the night. Many of the hotels were full and we were told it was because a lot of folks have come to town to help with the oil spill clean up. Ah, we didn't realize that the oil spill would affect our drive, but Hwy 10 does run all along the coast so it made sense. We did find a room and got a great night of sleep.

Friday was a good travel day. We ran up 65 and 85 and got onto 20. No traffic in Atlanta. We got to smalltown, SC by 4 pm, just in time for dinner at San Jose.

We went to the house and unloaded some of our stuff that we had brought. I love the piggyback that we bought for my car. I has come in handy on several of our trips.

Our last purchase in Texas......

Wow, my pond has grown some huge water plants this year.

My yard is in full bloom.

We have spent the last two days doing laundry and yard work. Tomorrow the movers will come with our household goods and we will see what is broken and missing. We have lots of things to do in the next few days.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Long day........set to go

The moving truck showed up bright and early this morning. We are ready to this move over with. Along with the movers I received a call from the carpet cleaners telling me that they would not be able to come. Hmmm, nothing like a list minute cancellation. Thankfully, I was able to find another company that was willing to come out as soon as the movers left.

They worked fast at loading the truck until it became apparent that everything was not going to fit. They slowed down as they tried to fit too much stuff in too little of a space.

As they got closer they realized the was not going to fit.

All full, unfortunately not everything is packed. They stuffed some stuff behind the cab and called for another truck. We will see what shows up at the other end. I will be shocked if everything makes it. Of course, there will always be damage as well.

In more important news....Anthony lost a tooth today. We were at church and he complained that he couldn't eat his pizza. I asked to look at his tooth and could see the new one coming in so with a yank the old one was gone. Now, the tooth fairy needs to remember her duties. I must be getting too old for this because the last time the tooth fairy forgot to come until after breakfast! Yea, one of my failures, I don't make a good tooth fairy.

I am going to miss the church we have been going to. This is actually the first church I have attended since being saved where I feel that I have a fellowship with the women class and I was able to learn so much from those women. I never attended church as a child and was saved in 2002 in my old age. It is not easy sometimes to live a Christian lifestyle when you have never had an example to go by. But, that is a story for another day. Tomorrow we hit the road.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Packing done, Tomorrow we load

I guess I should say tomorrow they load and we watch. I must say that these packers were much better then the packers we had coming from SC. They crated items that the last movers didn't. Maybe if they had crated our coffee table glass we wouldn't have had to replace it when we got to TX. I have never seen a piece of glass so protected before.
TV is well protected as well. I was surprised that it made it here in one piece since it wasn't crated coming down. It is crated now.
If only my household goods stayed this neat, picking up would be so easy.

I had my computer packed up and am using my little 10" emergency laptop. It isn't so bad except that I cut my fingertip so bad that it requires a bandaid. This tiny keyboard is hard to type on with a bandaid on your fingertip. I can see where folks who keep long nails would have problems with it. Other then a few typos it is not too bad if your eyesight is good.

Normally, when we move we stay at home until time to pull out. I was taking stock of air mattresses and decided to spoil myself. For the first time, we are staying in a hotel while the packing is being done. Naturally, we spend the day at the house managing the packers and then come back to a pool and great bed. We are staying in a two bedroom suite that is fantastic. I don't know if per diem will cover all of it, but I don't care because it fits our needs.

Tomorrow the truck will arrive and everything will be gone. We have carpet cleaners scheduled to arrive at 3:30 and hope to have all cleaning done by then. We will have dinner at church and then have an early night.

Thursday morning we will pull out. John and I are heading in different directions. I am heading straight to SC so I have to go through Houston. I need to time it so that I don't get there during morning traffic. I believe we will leave between 8 and 9am.

John is going to TN where Joselin is currently living and taking some of her stuff to her. He is also taking Kim his motorcycle because she is having some transportation problems. I was shocked when he volunteered to bring Kim's two little ones back with him to SC so they can spend some summer time with their grandma who lives down the street from us. I imagine I will take them back sometime this summer when I go to visit Joselin.

Tomorrow will be a full day, I will sleep well tonight.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Tomorrow is.......

Bulk trash pick up! Thank goodness it is because we have packers coming tomorrow and a lot of stuff to get rid of. I can't really get a picture of all that we have put out because it seems to disappear. Sure there is trash out there still, but a lot of the other "stuff" is now "our trash and their treasure". I hope that someone gets good use out of our discards.

The packers will be here bright and early tomorrow morning and I don't feel ready. Of course, I never feel ready. When you have little I mean kids constantly getting into stuff it makes it a little difficult to prepare. I also had extra doctor appointments this last week that I hadn't considered.

It is great that my husband has his moves paid for and that packers will pack everything. however, there is just a little disadvantage to that....they will pack everything. If you leave it sitting out it will get packed and that includes trash.

This is our first move that we are going to spoil ourselves.....we will be staying in a motel at night and spend our days at the house watching packers. Normally, we just stay at the house until the truck is gone and then we clean up and leave. I guess we are getting too old and have no interest in keeping air mattresses back. Also, it will be so much easier to put our suitcases and such in the car and not worry about it. Normally we designate a bathroom for our stuff we don't want packed and then tape the area off. Sounds easy but we have had movers that attempt to pack what we have asked them not to. They get paid by the weight so....

This evening I decided to take a break and take the kids to the park. Anthony comes down smelling like Jason's cologne.......a big no no. He is not supposed to get into any of Jason's stuff so instead of the park he stayed at home with dad and had a shower. Sometimes it just sucks but it was a natural consequence.

Can you see the squirrel?

Such concentration she showed in her climbing.
I don't know why, but this terrified me. After a few kids you would think I would be used to kids climbing.

Sarah felt she was too big to play so she climbed instead.

Evidence that I was there! Seems like the photographer in the family has to make an effort to get into pictures.

Little miss happy. She is doing well on her new meds. Yesterday she wanted to sleep all day but today she seems back to her usual self.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Kids Just Wanna Have Fun

The little ones really don't understand all that needs to be done with a move halfway across the country. They want to play and get into everything while I want them to stay out of the boxes and let me work. That doesn't go well with little ones.

When we rented this house we really thought that we wouldn't be here long. We had no idea that our house would never sell! So, our rental house isn't an ideal house for bike riding. We don't have a driveway and the street has too much traffic for my comfort.

Jason gave me a break and took the kids out to ride their bikes in the street. This summer I hope to get Anthony off of the training wheels and Larissa into a bike that fits her. We gave away her last bike because it was too small and haven't replaced it yet. We did keep the big trike because it took me forever to find one big enough for Larissa.
Yes, I know, they didn't have helmets on. Do y'all put helmets on a trike rider? I need to find one for Larissa when I get her a bike, I wonder how one will fit with her hair. She has issues with cowboy hats.

Where do they all Hide?

I hide one pair in my car because that is when I always seem to realize that the littles need them. Yes, I am a bad parent, I don't realize that my kids nails need trimming until I am buckling them into car seats. Just last week the only pair of nail clippers I could find was in my car. I guarded them and kept them a secret from everyone.


Because everyone borrows my clippers and then never returns them. I have even bought everyone their own pair, given them as stocking stuffers and tried a lending out program. All to no avail, I still could never find a pair in the house. So, I kept my car pair a secret.

Moving does strange things.....some of them good. When you go through every nook and cranny you just never know what you will find.

Could just be a few pairs of nail clippers................

Friday, May 14, 2010

New Challenges

Larissa was such a trooper. She got up at 2 am and stayed up until we got to the neurology clinic. She sat still while her head was wired and gladly laid down. The light was turned out and the technician told her to close her eyes and sleep. She was so exhausted that it didn't take long for her to fall asleep.

While I was sitting there watching all those lines going across the screen my biggest concern was that she wouldn't have one of her episodes. It is about like taking your car to the mechanic and it refuses to act up. I wanted her to have an episode so we could determine what is going on with her. Naturally the day before I had told the neurologist that if she sleeps, she will have an episode, I was hoping that I hadn't jinxed the testing.

For 10 minutes we sat and watched the lines go across the monitor. Then she did it, she cooperated. These episodes are actually scary to us, her jaw clinches and she sounds like she is struggling to breathe. She started doing her choking sounds and the lines on the screen went wild. The technician jumped up and tried to get her to sit up, to wake up. He eyes rolled back in her head and she continued to sound like she was choking. Finally, after an eternity (maybe 30 seconds) she coughed and came out of it. He asked her how old she was and she told him 4, then she went right back to sleep.

The technician told me that he had never seen anyone do that, he admitted that it scared him. He called the neurologists office and told them that he needed to come down and check the tape. The doctor was in a meeting and we were told that we would need to stay in the building until he could come and check out the tape.

The technician then ran a strobe test that didn't effect Larissa at all. He told me to wake her up and right when I put my hand on her stomach she had another episode, another one got taped in case the first one wasn't sufficient. She had two episodes in less then 30 minutes. These don't seem to bother her at all and she doesn't seem to realize that anything has happened.

We went to the waiting room to wait for the neurologist. I tried to stay awake and Larissa ran around like she just had a great nap. Two hours later her doctor came and checked out the tape. He came and talked to me. First off he said that she is in fact having seizures. He talked about seizures part way through our conversation and then switched over to using the word epilepsy. My baby has epilepsy. It just doesn't seem fair to her, she has struggled to overcome her early beginnings and now has something else to deal with. I am sure that she will do fine, not quite sure about myself yet. I don't think that I have time right now to fully process this. I need to do some research since this is new to me.

However, I am thankful too. Thankful that we have the medical care to quickly address the issue. On Monday I brought my concern to her primary physician, Wednesday she saw a neurologist and Thursday she had an EEG and a diagnosis with a prescription called in. How wonderful is that?

To Do List

I have been so preoccupied with all of the medical appointments that I haven't made much time to prepare for our move! Guess it is going to be a busy weekend. Ack, we only have three wake ups until the packers arrive.

A quick to do list:

cancel paper done
cancel utilities done
cancel water done
cancel cable/internet/phone .....done, need to take boxes to UPS
stop forwarding of mail from SC to TX ....can't find out how to do this, cancelling a permanent forward is not an option online....need to go to the post office for the form ..done, what a pain
forward mail from TX to SC done
go to three schools and withdraw kids
gave notice for house/ need to coordinate an inspection after movers leave
schedule required carpet cleaners
have movers come and estimate packing time/boxes and such done
coordinate with movers on both ends
get physicals for camp this summer while we have tricare doctors done
see what tricare providers are taking patients in SC ...done, picked providers and put in paperwork
pack some of Joselin's stuff for her/will take to her on the way to SC done
pack up computer for Kim
prep car/ oil change
make sure movies are in the car for trip
get copy of immunization record from Lackland done
make sure I have all documents to hand carry (birth certificates, passports, SS cards, IEP's, shot records...) .....working on it
pack stuff we don't want the movers to take and items we will need before we get household goods delivered progress
try to cook the food in the freezer/fridge .....trying
talk to moms nursing home and give brothers contact but unresolved
order bolts for washing machine done

ordered cable/internet/hock up in SC (can't be without internet for too long)
Jason's car need check up done, expensive but done
need to change emails to my yahoo account....what a pain

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The things they say that make you want to cry.....

I had to wash all the moisturizers out of Larissa's hair for her EEG procedure. I didn't want to comb is too much without it so after bathing her I just left her hair down. She has beautiful hair. When she realized that I was not going to braid it she said that she couldn't go to church that way. I asked her why not. She said because everyone would laugh at her! I was so heart broken, I wanted to cry. Why would my 4 year old feel that everyone would laugh at her if she wore her hair down and natural? We have never given her any impression that she is not beautiful, that her hair isn't beautiful, that her skin color isn't beautiful. However, life has given her the impression that her natural hair is something that would be laughed at.

Where is she learning this?
She IS a beautiful child, inside and out.
Why do our children need to feel a need to conform to a certain standard; whether it be clothing, hair, skin, gadgets, weight?

Why would a 4 year old be worried about people laughing at her hair?

On a good note, I told the ladies in my women's Bible study class the story. Right after class all the women went up to Larissa and just loved on her hair. On the ride home, Larissa said that she would be willing to wear her hair down at church. I really do love this church, I will miss it.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Pediatric Neurologist

Larissa and I made it to the neurologist today. Thankfully we only had a 15 minute wait. Did I ever mention that she shows a tendency towards being a little ADHD?
At this time we still don't have any answers. She is scheduled for an EEG at 8 in the morning. She is supposed to stay up until 10pm and be woken at 2am. I have to wash her hair tonight and not use any moisturizers. That should be interesting, I have never done her hair without any oils at all. It also has to be completely dried so that leaves out braiding. He hair take forever to dry when braided. I guess she will go natural tomorrow, that should be interesting to say the least. I don't think that I have ever just left her hair down, I will need to take a picture of that. I am truly amazed at how fast they are moving here. I mentioned my concerns to a doctor on Monday, saw a neurologist on Wednesday and have an EEG on Thursday. I really didn't think it was possible. She is being seen at BAMC (Brooke Army Medical Center) for any of you military folks.

On the moving front, it is not going well! I haven't gotten anything accomplished today and don't think I will be too motivated to do much tomorrow. I did, however, go through my clothes and have two more bags of clothing for Goodwill.

5 days until the packers arrive.......

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I Few Things to Add to my List.......

Today was spent at the doctors office. As military retirees our kids are seen at the local military base. They wouldn't allow us to pick our own physician, we had to use the military facility. It is not very convenient, about a 45 minutes to drive. Sarah got her physical for camp, however I get to go back tomorrow to pick it up. Just what I need to spend my last week doing, driving to Lackland AFB. Add go to Lackland AFB to my list.

I also had Larissa checked out. She has a long history of clenching her jaw when she sleeps. Well, the ENT in SC told us that it was just jaw clenching and is not a problem. We should have gone with our gut, we just didn't feel that it was only jaw clenching. We have noticed that it has been happening more often. Last week Larissa fell asleep on me and I just held her instead of putting her down (she is over 40 lbs and gets heavy!). I held her for an hour and she had two episodes in that time. It wasn't just her jaw clenching, her entire body was clenching and shaking. It is really strange, she clenches her jaw, acts like she is choking, can't be woken up, throws up her hands and wheezes. At the end she will let out a cough and can be woken then. If she is woken right at that point, her eyes will be rolled back in her head. I really felt that she was having seizures. I described her symptoms to the doctor today without telling her my concerns and she immediately said that she was having seizures. I figured that since we were moving next week that she could just give me a referral for a neurologist for in SC. Well, Larissa has a neurology appointment on Friday. I am not sure what they can do for us since we are moving next week, I hope to get a referral for a neurologist in SC. I feel bad that we have let this go on for so long. I should have gone with my gut before and pursued it more back when we were trying to get answers. She even had a sleep study done that came back inconclusive at that time. This is new to me, I have some research to do. Of course, I hope that the neurologist concurs that it is just jaw clenching, I just can't process this right now. So, add neurologist appointment to my things to do this week.

I also got my blood drawn today to see if my thyroid is still "out of whack". I will find out the results on Friday. All I can say is it is a good thing I am not afraid of needles, the nurse blew out my one good vein with blood so she had to look elsewhere for blood. Add, go to doctors appointment to my list.

On our move front, my count down has been off! The packers will be here on Monday, yep a week from today. I took care of the cooking for the week by taking apart the oven for cleaning. Shucks, guess it won't be available for cooking. They estimate that it will take three days to pack and pick up date is Thursday. I think that it will only take two days for packers, hopefully the driver will be able to pick up one day early. If not, we will have a day of boxes and nothing to do but clean. Funny, the guy who came to do our estimate had a hard time, I guess that our garage was a little difficult to estimate. Can't imagine why!

I got a call today from the movers informing me that I need to go out and buy bolts for my front load dryer. Apparently these are needed for them to be able to move the dryer. The men who delivered my dryer should have left the bolts, naturally they didn't. So, add hunt down and buy bolts for my dryer to my list of things to do.

This is only Monday, hopefully I don't have too many other things to add to my list!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Bittersweet Mother's Day

This is the first year I had Mother's Day flowers delivered from one of my kids, one of the advantages of grown kids. Colorful flowers, not roses, my favorite. Thanks David and Tasha.

Anthony made me a card all by himself. I really love it when they are able to make their own cards and express themselves.

I also enjoy the hand prints....

and the breakfast in bed. Sarah made me some fried potatoes with onion and mushrooms with scrambled eggs. It was delicious.

Then I spent the afternoon visiting with my mom at the nursing home. Last week, she tried to get up and walk without assistance and fell. She bruised her hip, they had to xray it to make sure she didn't break it. She is not supposed to walk unassisted. I really hate it when she falls, she fell when she was in my home several times, once she broke a shoulder. I took her some flowers, a card, some pictures, new house slippers and a new house dress in the style that she likes to wear.
I worry, since she is staying in Texas I wonder when I will get to Texas to see her after we move. I hope that my brother is able to do the duties that he needs to do. I don't like that idea of no one visiting her. My mom and I talked today and she wants to stay in Texas. She was born and raised here so this is home to her. She is also terrified to flying to SC, even if I accompany her.
So, I only have a few more visits with her before I leave. My brother has found a nursing home close to him that he likes but I am not sure where he is in the process of getting her a bed. I don't think that she will be settled in her new home before I leave. I need to take a leap of faith and trust that my brother will take care of things, that is hard for me to do.
After visiting with my mom, we went to an early dinner at Genghis Grill.
Waiting for our food.

Nah, my kids never eat with their fingers.

Anthony ate all of his bowl and part of Larissa's. I do believe that he is about to have a growth spurt.

It was a good Mother's Day, I heard from all my scattered kids and ate lots of food. I had a great visit with my mom but on some level find the visits to be painful. I know that it is life and growing old. Before I know it my daughter will be celebrating her own Mother Day and the cycle will continue on. Truly, I am blessed on this day.

I'm Trying

I really am get rid of stuff. I just don't know how we end up with so much stuff. It just seems like we have an excess of everything and I really am not sure why it is hard for me to get rid of it. I went through my closet today and did get rid of some clothing and shoes. I really need to get rid of more of my clothing that I haven't worn in a long time. Maybe one day next week I will try again. I did have several bags of stuff to take to Goodwill today.

I wonder why it is so difficult for me to get rid of clothing that I can't fit into at this time. I guess that my dream is to lose weight even though I haven't lost any weight in a long time. I have had hypothyroidism for years now and find that I gain about 5 lbs a year. Of course, after my last doctor visit my doctor said that my thyroid numbers were "out of whack" and she doubled my thyroid medicine. I need to go next week to get my numbers checked again, ugh, add that to my list of things to do.

I am going through my clothing again later this week with the thought that if I do lose lots of weight then I can go buy new clothing. Hmmmm, wonder if that mindset will work. Seems opposite of trying to get rid of think of shopping. Oh well, maybe it will work.

Less the two weeks and we will be on our way! These last few weeks are flying by and I still have too much to do.

I'd better get to bed, I expect I will have breakfast in bed in the morning.