Attachment part 2

We received Lewisa Carlosa at the age of 4 months as a foster child. We were told that she would definitely be going home because the parents only had to get jobs and housing. Short term.....definitely short term.
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Her head cocked to the side and her right arm was always straight down with her hand in a fist. Later it was assumed that this was due to a stroke at some point before coming to our home.
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I remember the first time I picked her up and she had no neck control at all. I thought it was strange considering her age. She also had a sucking problem and would only drink an ounce or two at a time. More importantly she would arch her back when you tried to hold her and would look away from you when you gave her a bottle.

There was actually a period when I suspected that she had autism. She would not look up when anyone entered the room, even when they called her name. We had her hearing checked. She had early interventions come into the house twice a week, OT and PT.

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At some point the attachment issue came to the forefront and I told all the kids to hold her, often. I didn't go for just the mom attachment, I went for the entire family. Most of the time she even slept on someone.

You know, a funny thing happens when working hard on attachment....it goes both ways. All the kids have a great attachment with Larissa.

You can see their love for her when they look at her. She is every ones baby.....and oh so spoiled for it.

Trying to build attachment is hard work. It does not come overnight. It is especially hard with foster children. You can assume that at any point they will be returned to their family where they didn't form the attachments in the first place. It can be heart breaking to have them leave.

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Larissa's attachment issues were compounded by a genetic predisposition to an anxiety disorder. Three years of visitation did not help the situation at all. Her mom did get a job but never did get housing in all that time, but she did come to visitation every other week.

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I still remember the days when I would take her up there and they had to peel her screaming off of me. I tried to make it easier for her by sitting in the waiting room with the biomom before visits hoping that she would transfer easier. It wasn't always successful.

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Larissa never did learn to wave bye bye or hello. She never said a single word in front of her bioparents...not one utterance. At home she was talking on schedule and happy. Out of the home she was full of anxiety. While still our foster child she was diagnosed with selective mutism. I often wonder if her anxiety would have gotten that bad if visitations would have ended after 15 months (how long the bioparents are supposed to have to work their plan). I do not believe that it is in the best interest of the children to have these cases drag out for years. It is too damaging, foster children need stabilization.

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After more then two years the biomother was offered housing. We were terrified, we thought for sure that the kids would go home. However, for reasons unknown to us she turned the housing down. It was at that point that we finally began to hope that Lewisa would become our daughter. About 8 months later the courts finally got TPR on the bioparents.

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Our little Lewisa Carlosa became our Larissa Ann. She is firmly attached to us. However, she still struggles with her anxiety issues. It improves slowly as time passes. We have hope that eventually she will just be a happy child with a little shyness.

Can you do it? Can you help a child to learn to love and attach and then let them go? It makes a huge difference in the child's life.
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I know that with our current foster children the baby has learned attachment but not Kiwi. I don't think that we have time with her, her attachment issues are too severe. We believe that they will go home next Friday.
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Anthony is next, he is middle of the road.

What is Selective Mutism....again

What is Selective Mutism (SM)? — Selective Mutism Group: "Diagnosis of other comorbid anxiety disorders are also commonly diagnosed with SM and social phobia (Biedel & Turner, 1998). The name change from 'elective' to 'selective mutism' in DSM-IV deemphasized the oppositional behavior connotation that a child elected not to speak and rather emphasized the characteristic of the disorder, that there are select environments in which speaking does not occur (APA, 1994). The term selective mutism is consistent with new etiological theories that focus on anxiety issues (Dow et al., 1995).
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The current edition, DSM-IV-TR (APA, 2000) states that the following criteria must be met in order to qualify for a diagnosis of selective mutism:
An inability to speak in at least one specific social situation where speaking is expected (e.g., at school) despite speaking in other situations (e.g., at home); The disturbance has interfered with educational or occupational achievement or with social communication; The duration of the selective mutism is at least one month and is not limited to the first month of school; The inability to speak is not due to to a lack of knowledge of or discomfort with the primary language required in the social situation; and, The disturbance cannot better be accounted for by a communication disorder (e.g. stuttering) and does not occur exclusively during the course of a pervasive developmental disorder, schizophrenia or other psychotic disorder.
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Consistent with current research, SMG believes that Selective Mutism is best understood as a childhood social communication anxiety disorder. SM is much more than shyness and most likely on the spectrum of social phobia and related anxiety disorders. SM is NOT a child willfully refusing to speak."


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I had an incident today that caused me to look up Selective Mutism. Because of one person I was in a terrible mood all day.

I have been trying to get Larissa into the 4K program in the school in which we are zoned. I feel that it would better prepare her for kindergarten the next year. With her anxiety it would be nice to have that transition in the same school in the same environment. However, the special education department doesn't agree with me. Larissa will be going to a different school this year....her third.
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During our discussion I mentioned that with her Selective Mutism Larissa's needs would be best met by attending her zoned school. I was told, "it is not like she has a disability or anything, she just chooses not to speak". Needless to say, she received a lecture on how debilitating SM can actually be.

She honestly thinks that my child is just being willful. No wonder she is not interested in actually helping with her issue. I had just spoken with the private speech therapist today and she also thinks that Larissa should go to her zoned school. She wants to talk with the school. I don't think that it will help. Closed minds are so hard to open.

This is not the first time I have met with this opinion. We were actually told by a therapist that we should punish her every time she wouldn't talk. My husband was with me at the time and was shocked. We can both tell that it is not just a willful act, we are sure that if she could get those words out she would gladly. We have never punished her for not talking to others and we never will, our hearts tell us it is wrong.

So, tomorrow I will be sending the above description of Selective Mutism from the Selective Mutism Group to the special education department of our district office. I will underline a few sentences for her. Maybe, someone there will learn something new. All I know is......... she is worth the fight.

New Challenges

Larissa was such a trooper. She got up at 2 am and stayed up until we got to the neurology clinic. She sat still while her head was wired and gladly laid down. The light was turned out and the technician told her to close her eyes and sleep. She was so exhausted that it didn't take long for her to fall asleep.

While I was sitting there watching all those lines going across the screen my biggest concern was that she wouldn't have one of her episodes. It is about like taking your car to the mechanic and it refuses to act up. I wanted her to have an episode so we could determine what is going on with her. Naturally the day before I had told the neurologist that if she sleeps, she will have an episode, I was hoping that I hadn't jinxed the testing.


For 10 minutes we sat and watched the lines go across the monitor. Then she did it, she cooperated. These episodes are actually scary to us, her jaw clinches and she sounds like she is struggling to breathe. She started doing her choking sounds and the lines on the screen went wild. The technician jumped up and tried to get her to sit up, to wake up. He eyes rolled back in her head and she continued to sound like she was choking. Finally, after an eternity (maybe 30 seconds) she coughed and came out of it. He asked her how old she was and she told him 4, then she went right back to sleep.

The technician told me that he had never seen anyone do that, he admitted that it scared him. He called the neurologists office and told them that he needed to come down and check the tape. The doctor was in a meeting and we were told that we would need to stay in the building until he could come and check out the tape.

The technician then ran a strobe test that didn't effect Larissa at all. He told me to wake her up and right when I put my hand on her stomach she had another episode, another one got taped in case the first one wasn't sufficient. She had two episodes in less then 30 minutes. These don't seem to bother her at all and she doesn't seem to realize that anything has happened.

We went to the waiting room to wait for the neurologist. I tried to stay awake and Larissa ran around like she just had a great nap. Two hours later her doctor came and checked out the tape. He came and talked to me. First off he said that she is in fact having seizures. He talked about seizures part way through our conversation and then switched over to using the word epilepsy. My baby has epilepsy. It just doesn't seem fair to her, she has struggled to overcome her early beginnings and now has something else to deal with. I am sure that she will do fine, not quite sure about myself yet. I don't think that I have time right now to fully process this. I need to do some research since this is new to me.

However, I am thankful too. Thankful that we have the medical care to quickly address the issue. On Monday I brought my concern to her primary physician, Wednesday she saw a neurologist and Thursday she had an EEG and a diagnosis with a prescription called in. How wonderful is that?

The things they say that make you want to cry.....

I had to wash all the moisturizers out of Larissa's hair for her EEG procedure. I didn't want to comb is too much without it so after bathing her I just left her hair down. She has beautiful hair. When she realized that I was not going to braid it she said that she couldn't go to church that way. I asked her why not. She said because everyone would laugh at her! I was so heart broken, I wanted to cry. Why would my 4 year old feel that everyone would laugh at her if she wore her hair down and natural? We have never given her any impression that she is not beautiful, that her hair isn't beautiful, that her skin color isn't beautiful. However, life has given her the impression that her natural hair is something that would be laughed at.

Where is she learning this?
She IS a beautiful child, inside and out.

Why do our children need to feel a need to conform to a certain standard; whether it be clothing, hair, skin, gadgets, weight?

Why would a 4 year old be worried about people laughing at her hair?

On a good note, I told the ladies in my women's Bible study class the story. Right after class all the women went up to Larissa and just loved on her hair. On the ride home, Larissa said that she would be willing to wear her hair down at church. I really do love this church, I will miss it.

Pediatric Neurologist

Larissa and I made it to the neurologist today. Thankfully we only had a 15 minute wait. Did I ever mention that she shows a tendency towards being a little ADHD?
At this time we still don't have any answers. She is scheduled for an EEG at 8 in the morning. She is supposed to stay up until 10pm and be woken at 2am. I have to wash her hair tonight and not use any moisturizers. That should be interesting, I have never done her hair without any oils at all. It also has to be completely dried so that leaves out braiding. He hair take forever to dry when braided. I guess she will go natural tomorrow, that should be interesting to say the least. I don't think that I have ever just left her hair down, I will need to take a picture of that. I am truly amazed at how fast they are moving here. I mentioned my concerns to a doctor on Monday, saw a neurologist on Wednesday and have an EEG on Thursday. I really didn't think it was possible. She is being seen at BAMC (Brooke Army Medical Center) for any of you military folks.

On the moving front, it is not going well! I haven't gotten anything accomplished today and don't think I will be too motivated to do much tomorrow. I did, however, go through my clothes and have two more bags of clothing for Goodwill.

5 days until the packers arrive.......

Hair Days

I have completed my mommie duties for the day....my child now looks loved.

Before....

After...........

Hair Days

By demand......poufs!

This girl can get some good size poufs.....she loves them.

Selective Mutism

Selective Mutism......have you heard of it? I hadn't until about 18months ago. Our baby Larissa was our foster child at the time and we had concerns. As a baby she did not wave at anyone, she just never developed that skill. As she got older we came to realize that she wouldn't talk to anyone outside of our family. We had seen shy before but this went beyond shyness.

Someone on one of my support groups threw out selective mutism to me. I did lots of reading on the subject and realized that this was what we may be dealing with. She was young for a diagnosis but dealing with is while they are young helps.

When Larissa turned 3 years old she started in an early intervention program at the local public school. She continues to attend such a program here in Texas. Selective mutism is real and can be debilitating. I just had a meeting with her teachers. Her speech teacher said that she had just recently heard Larissa say her first sentence.....she has been working with her since school started in August. She was so excited that she finally got her to say something to her. At home, she talks up a storm, she does not have a speech problem when she is with her family.


Selective mutism is actually an anxiety issue. However, Larissa's speech teacher pointed out that it turns into a speech issue because they don't develop proper social speech. If you have concerns about a child that won't speak in public, check out selective mutism. Early intervention can make a big difference for the child. Our hope is that one day Larissa will be able to respond to her teachers on a regular basis.

Sitting still....can't be done

Location: Kohl's
Setting: waiting for Aunt Cindy to pay for her purchase
Direction: Sit on the bench and wait, stay out of the way of the customers walking through

30 seconds, don't they look so sweet

45 seconds....getting the itch to roam

1 minute....off the bench

Ahhhh.....at least they are watching for customers

Customer walking through drove them back to the bench....

Total waiting time.....3 minutes.

The Call

When you are a foster parent the call can come at any time. You never know what the call will lead to. What child will come your way. What challenges are ahead.

This time I received the call while I was preparing dinner. Could we take a 4 month old baby, just for a few days. While we were going through the certification process my husband and I discussed what ages we would be willing to take into our home, a 4 month old was definitely within our range so I said yes. Important question, I asked an approximate diaper size so I could call my husband and have him pick up diapers on the way home from work.


A short time later Larissa was brought to our home. I took her out of her car seat and was surprised that she didn't have neck control. As with all our former foster kids we were quickly trying to determine what needs the child will have. She would definitely need an evaluation for early interventions. Later we realized that she did not want held, she would arch her back and look away from you when you gave her a bottle. This raised big flags for attachment issues, so lots of holding was required. We had a baby to cuddle and love for a little while.


A few weeks later we were asked if we could take her 2 1/2 year old brother. Apparently he was quite a challenge. We really like to keep siblings together so we said yes. He arrived the next day. More observations and we quickly determined that he needed early interventions and a big concern was his lack of speech. Neglect can harm kids in many ways. Lack of stimulation early in life can cause big issues that continue later in life. Actually, at the time it was mistakenly thought that he had severe intellectual deficits.




Our lives got quite interesting and busy real quick. Doctor, speech, visitations, and OT appointments. It is amazing how quickly a toddler can find that magic marker that a teenager left lying around. Every time we welcomed a small child into our home we had to retrain all the older kids. And the equipment..... all that baby stuff that you can't live without. We had to totally restock our house with baby stuff when we decided to foster young children. Car seats in different stages, crib, playpen, swing, highchair and anything else that takes up lots of space for a small child.


We were told that they would not be in our home long, definitely less then a year. But, you just never know how things will turn out. We enjoyed the children while we had them and worked very hard to help them to catch up in their development and to learn how to love and be loved.



Having a baby fall asleep on your shoulder is precious.




We had the opportunity to give with love. They learned the joy of receiving.





We saw the first attempts of many things, to include music.




The first discovery of the television...






The first beach trip where Anthony was terrified of the water....




and Larissa loved the sand.

All this time we assumed that they were going home. We tried to work with the mom and help her to get her kids back. However, in the end it is up to the biological parents to do what they must to get their children back home. After almost 3 years in our home the courts terminated the parental rights (TPR) and the children were then adoptable. Naturally after so long they had become members of our family. On May of 2009 they officially became ours.

Then, we got to watch Anthony actually stand in the beach waters with joy....

Larissa continued to enjoy the beach her way.




We have been blessed again. We still have challenges but they are not insurmountable.

We have been blessed.

(Note: this post took me two hours. Larissa saw the pictures and I had to show her every picture on my computer!)

Hair Days

Normally I do a new hairstyle for Larissa over the weekend, however since we will be travelling next weekend we did a mid-week session. Doing Larissa's hair is quite a production.


First we start with the bath where lots of moisturizers are added. I have tried many different products and still haven't anything that I am thrilled with. I have had the most success with conditioners that include olive oil so am trying some new hair care products when I find them.

Larissa has a lot of hair. Last summer, when we spent a month in a hotel and she was going through a period of screaming when I touched her hair, I decided to cut off at least 5 inches for our sanity.








We have a very strict routine that we follow that includes lots of bribery. Today the bribery was m&m's. We also take this time to lotion up and do lots of cuddling. After we are done with her hair, Larissa walks around the house and shows everyone her new hairstyle. She just beams as everyone tells her how nice her hair looks.



This style took me 1 1/2 hours.

















We try to have fun with colors, beads, barettes and such. I can honestly say that out of all my girls, I have spent the most money on Larissa's hair products.

I hope to post her new hairstyle each week.