Terror

Little one had her first tantrum tonight. Overtired. I took her upstairs to get her ready for bed because picking up toys was not going to happen. She stopped tantruming and a look of terror came across her face.  Big huge eyes stared at me in terror.......she was terrified that I would send her away.  I wanted to cry...instead I hugged her.

It was so sad.  I almost cried listening to her desperation. I laid in her bed with her and we looked at the stars on her ceiling (there are literally hundreds of them attached to the ceiling). She calmed down and we talked more about how this was her forever home. She said she is going to stay until she is old and married. She wants it so much. It made me sad to think of the other homes where she may have been told the same thing. I know that time will tell her that it is forever but I so want her to believe it.

I have noticed that she is afraid to leave the house.  She doesn't want to go pick up or drop off the kids at school....she wants to stay home with Sarah.  She doesn't want to go shopping or out to eat.  She doesn't trust that she will leave the house and come back.  It worries me because at the end of the month we will head up to North Carolina for Tasha's yellow ribbon ceremony before she heads to Kuwait.  I wonder how the little one will deal with that.  The alternative of respite care is just not an option at this time.  There is no way she could go to another home even for the weekend.

I didn't know what to expect from these kids.  On so many levels I feel that the system failed them.  It seems like the system has done as much, if not more, damage as the bio parents.

C came home from her first day of school.  She had cut a hole in the leggings she was wearing.  They happened to be Larissa's new leggings.  I told C that since she cuts her clothing she needs to limit her cutting to her own clothing.  She is not allowed to wear Larissa's clothing at this time.  She retaliated by hitting the kids and generally being mean.  She is so full of anger.

I have one full of fear and one full of anger.

I am wondering if I should put the little one in Larissa's bedroom.  They seem to get along the best and don't hurt each other when playing.  I am looking for a therapist but it is hard.  There aren't a lot of them in this area who deal with these types of issues.  It can be frustrating when help is not readily available.  I still haven't found anyone for Anthony and his defiant issues.   I have to say that he has been doing well with the girl invasion.  After the first day I noticed that he looked a little shell shocked and I asked him how he was doing with this.  He said that they sure were loud.

So, if you come to visit... be aware that our house is....loud!