No Guarantees

I was thinking today and that can be a dangerous thing. We are looking at adoption again and I am reading photolistings again. Photolistings can be a scary thing. They really don't tell you anything concrete so you have to read between the lines. I pay attention when I read that the child must be the youngest in the home........or when it states that they need two parents who can provide lots of structure.
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There are so many ways to look at the few paragraphs that sum up the child. After working with the system for a while my mind automatically conjures up the worse possible thing each item could mean....and I find it sad. Sad that the system has jaded me so. Sad that these children could be so harmed by their life experiences that they may not be able to function well in my family. I worry about the dangers I could be putting my children in, because my first concern is to protect my children.
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Last week I did my taxes. We are using our adoption tax credit this year so I had to send in a copy of our subsidy agreement which shows the kids diagnosis's. I hadn't read it in a long time. I had forgotten what all was written on there. Everything from FAE to mood disorders. A whole cocktail of issues for two little children. I wonder what their photolistings would have said. They never got to that point because we said yes when they asked us if we would consider adopting them. We said yes when we knew that the path wouldn't always be easy. We went into this with our eyes open.
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I think that is why we liked adopting from foster care, we knew the children and knew what challenges we would have. The unknown scares me. I want to know, I want someone to be honest with me. I know what I can deal with and what I can't deal with. I find developmental delays to be so much easier then mental illnesses. Having said that, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't be open to adopting another child with a mental illness. I would want to know about it and be able to make an informed decision though.
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When you look to adopt you have to be realistic and know what you can and can't deal with. I can't deal with fire starters, animal abusers, and sexually acting out (been there and it is hard). But, there are no guarantees. A child may not show any of those before coming to your home.
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I have a five year old daughter who at times will not speak up for herself. Therefore we are not open to boys. Yes, we are looking to adopt a girl. To us our reasons are valid. We know what even a 3 year old boy is capable of when he is sexually acting out.
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Because we have younger children we are looking at adopting younger children. We don't want our little ones to become victims.
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So we are looking at young girls. Lots of adoptive families are looking for young girls. So we may never be matched. I can accept this. I will wait for the right child to come along. I will be patient. I will pray.
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Even with younger children there are no guarantees. Heck even with biological children there are no guarantees.
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But, you know, that isn't right. There are guarantees.
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I can guarantee you that when the call comes for a possible match we will not be prepared. It will come at the worse possible time.
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I can guarantee you that we will worry whether we are the right family or not. Can we provide everything that this child needs.
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Having said that, I can guarantee that we will support that child to the utmost of our abilities.
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I can guarantee you that the child will test our resolve and try our patience.
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I can guarantee you that family and friends will think that we are crazy......and that I know I am so it doesn't matter to me.
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I can guarantee you that no one will really understand the issues we are going through except for those who have done it themselves. For me finding those like souls has been mainly through the Internet.
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Funny, I can't guarantee you that with lots of love everything will be great. That the child will be so thankful for a family and live happily ever after. No guarantees that there will be instant love and bonding. I can't even guarantee you that the child will become an adult and maintain a relationship.
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So why adopt? Why do it when there are no guarantees?
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For me.........it is my calling.
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For me.......... it is my gift.