Wednesday, January 18, 2012


What type of consequences do you use?

When possible, I really try to have the consequence fit the behavior.   

As mentioned in the previous post when Dimples had her tantrum in the restaurant she got to go sit in the car and missed the next restaurant outing.  If she decides to tantrum again at a restaurant then she will miss more then one restaurant outing.  Why?  I tell the child that they have shown me that they are not ready for the experience.  That I was pushing too hard for something for them that they aren't ready for.  Why put a child in an environment that they are not able to cope in?

Over Christmas break we had to make a decision about dance.  I really wanted the girls to do dance and so did they.  However, they just are not ready for the demands of dance.  They are too defiant to participate in that type of activity.  We decided to pull them out and have Larissa continue.  It would not be fair to Larissa to have her stop her activity because the other girls can't cope.  Lily said it was not fair.  I explained to her that it was in fact fair.  What is not fair is to allow them to continue with dance when they are so defiant.  It is not fair to the teacher who is not paid to manage behaviors but to teach dancing.

The girls bedroom is currently barren.  That wasn't my choice, it was theirs, well really a lot of it is Dimples which is why I feel that Lily needs to move upstairs at some point.  There were books in there, Dimples either tore them up or peed on them so no books.  There was clothing, it was either on the floor or peed on so all gone.  There were toys, broken or peed on.  There was more furniture, used as playground equipment, gone.  Quite a lot of the damage was done by Dimples and Lily is caught up in it.  Lily now stores her stuff out in the family room for safe keeping.  However, Lily has been a participant in some of the damage and misuse of stuff as well.  She has been told what she needs to do to be able to move upstairs.

Sometimes it is a simple act that has the biggest impact.  One day years ago we drove through the bank and were given suckers.  I handed them back without even thinking about it.  Joselin threw hers down on the floorboard of the car.  I stopped and asked her what the problem was.  She said she didn't want that color.  I picked it up and told her that it was her only option, take it or leave it.  I then asked her very nicely if she wanted it.  She told me no.  I said fine, that was her choice and I ate it myself.  She never rejected another sucker after that.

When Joselin was home we took her on every vacation we went on except our cruise (she couldn't come because she couldn't get a passport since she destroyed all of her paperwork).  On every vacations she sulked and did her best to make those times miserable.  Sadly, our cruise was most enjoyable without Joselin there.  It did hurt me that she wasn't able to come but that vacation taught me that it is not necessary for every child to go on every trip.

We have plans for the summer and they include a trip to Florida.  If we were going today I would not take the two new girls.  They are not ready for the long car ride and extended time away from home.  Will they be ready by August?  Time will tell.  I hope so, but life has taught me that if they aren't then they will stay home even though it will hurt me.

The thing I have found with consequences is that you have to be consistent.  That is so hard for me because I do not like for my kids to miss out on things.  I like for them to experience everything that we offer.  However, I have found that when I get soft the kids take advantage of it.  Hurt children don't need changing rules.  They need rules that stick.  They need to know what the expectations are and know what the consequences are.  They need to feel secure that parents are in control, not them. 

Anyone have a good consequence for tattling or lying?  I'd really like to hear what has worked in your house.


  1. Nola has a GREAT solution for tattling!! Get in touch with her. She explains it so much better than I do!

  2. LOL well you know what mine is. I "protect" the tattler! I know you said they like that, but really as much as you don't want her tomato staked to you that may be exactly what she needs to heal. I do totally know about not wanting a child tomato staked beside you. I have a 10 yo sitting beside me as I type this.

  3. I have used that when the thing that they are tattling about is that someone is hurting them. However, more often then not the tattling is not about someone hurting them but more mundane things such as; she looked at me, she is picking her nose, he is walking on the furniture, she breathed on me or worse yet she looked at me sideways. I find it interesting that my two biggest tattlers are Anthony and Lily.

  4. Have a fee for tattling. You can tattle but you'll have to empty the wastebaskets in exchange for me listening to you. Maybe they'll decide it's not worth it.

    We parent a lot alike but some people get upset when "Such a cute child" has to miss activities. My twins are not going on the cruise. Not just behavior but they are so young we'd have to miss most of the evening stuff and there are a lot of Christian musicians who are going to be doing the night concerts--Mandisa, Matthew West....

    We are doing our FL vacation the week we drop Adam off. We have to have the twins there Sunday June 17 and pick them up the 24th. That is a 14-15 hour round trip so J, J and I are just going to hang out in FL. Adam has to be dropped on the 20th but I'm going to arrange to drop him the 17th with the twins. He opted not to pay the extra for a Disney pass that was good during the summer and I'm not going to just leave him at the hotel to get into trouble. I'm hoping to arrange to meet some people I only know from Internet. I know they'll want to meet the twins but it's just not going to work out that way this time. Mostly we'll just be hanging around Orlando though.