Struggling

I ordered Joselin a new bike last week and had it delivered to Kim's house. Her school is about 1/2 mile down the road and there isn't a bus. So, I decided to send her a bike to help her get to school.


She received it today and Kim had her call me to thank me. I really feel that she shouldn't have bothered. It was the most insincere thank you I have heard, she wasn't happy with the color. I ordered a blue and white one because I know that she doesn't like pink.


I don't know what it is, unappreciative or a sense of entitlement. I guess it doesn't matter, same attitude that she has had since she came home 6 1/2 years ago. When she first came her tantrums at Walmart were so bad when she didn't get what she wanted that I didn't take her there for almost a year. She told me that her biomom let her have whatever she wanted.....hmmmmmm, OK. She came with the clothing on her back and was given everything. Sarah offered to share everything with her. Yet, Joselin's biggest gripe was that Sarah had more pajamas then her. I had talked with other parents who had adopted older children and there were others who acted this way. So, I figured with time it would get better. We don't give in to 2 year old tantrums and we sure don't give in to 11 year old tantrums either.

The tantrums did stop. She just started taking what she wanted instead. She took from Tasha the most. At one point Tasha didn't have hardly any clothing and a search of Joselin's room turned up a lot of Tasha's stuff. She didn't just take from Tasha though, she stole from everyone. One day I caught her wearing a ring that my husband had made for me. Naturally, she lied about it but it was a one of a kind ring and there was no denying. Still, stealing was annoying but it was something that could be dealt with. Although she never did stop. In her boxes that she packed before she left I found my jewelry, Tasha's clothing, Sarah's stuff and general things from around the house.

Boys, whew that was a huge issue. She didn't know how to have a good relationship. She could meet a boy at the water park and next thing you know he is a boyfriend. She didn't just have one boyfriend but many at the same time. We caught her sneaking out of the house at night, didn't trust her to stay after school for activities, didn't even trust her during school. I worked with her on how to develop a relationship, how to treat friends, how to treat your family. All of that was foreign to her. Respect was not a word that she understood. What age is too old to learn those things? She cared more for her boyfriends and friends of the moment then she did her family, she readily admitted it.

Her education was another big obstacle. She came with no formal education, couldn't even count money or tell time. She didn't see the need to learn how to read and write. We got her all the help we could and really encouraged her to learn. She is at about the 3rd grade reading level at this time and we are trying to get just a little more before she is old enough to quit school.

We worked through these things and some days felt we made progress and others thought we were just deceived. We felt that we were her prison guards. We were trying to protect her from herself. However, in the end we had to protect our other children from her. We knew that she had been bullying Sarah for years. We didn't realize what she was doing to the younger kids. She had Larissa terrified to sleep in her own room and she was sleeping in our bedroom. We didn't realize what a role Joselin played in that until I read her journal. We also came to realize that she was having a negative effect on Anthony and was impeding him from healing. It is a hard decision to reach, that your child can not remain in your home.

I am thankful that I have a friend like Kim who lived in an area that had a great educational program for Joselin. I am thankful that Kim wanted to have Joselin live with her. Kim is actually tougher then I am, she has had her challenges in life. She can give the tough love better then I can. I admit, I am too soft hearted.

At some point I fell in love with that hard headed, stubborn daughter of mine. I still hope that one day she will want to be a part of our family. I know that this is just a whining session but I am struggling with these feelings. I find myself coming back to this subject again in my blogging. I hope that by writing my feelings I can accept what happened better, understand it better, learn from it. I think of her every day and struggle with this every day. I try not to write about it every day!

We have two other adopted children that we all love to pieces and they have become members of our family like I had hoped that Joselin would. I think that their young ages made a difference. Older children need to be adopted and have homes as well, but boy, what a challenge they can be.

I do appreciate Kim for taking Joselin in but I miss having my child in my own home. I feel that in some way I failed her. That maybe there was something else I could have done, I just don't know what it could have been. I know that at some point she had to step up and want to become a member of our family and she just never did. I know that her racism impeded that, I just couldn't change that for her.

I asked Joselin if she wanted to come home over summer break and she said no. A few days later she said that she would like to come home for her birthday, she wanted gifts. Well, I don't think that will work out, I can send her a gift card. I guess she is toughening me up a little.