Guilt

What is it about guilt? Doesn't seem to matter how much I know that I shouldn't feel it in certain situations, I still do. Today I went to go see my mom. I try to go twice a week unless I am sick. I find that it is getting harder and harder for me to go. Why? Well, the guilt. As soon as my mom sees me she asks me if I am there to take her home. Every time I go I get that question. So, every time I go have to tell her that I can not take care of her needs at home. Every time I get the puppy dog, let down look. It breaks my heart. It makes me feel guilty that I can't meet all of her needs. Her numerous strokes have ravaged her body. Her blood pressure is still not under control leaving her open for more strokes. It is a vicious cycle that she is stuck in.

So, to add extra guilt today I had to talk to her about our impending move. We both really like the nursing home she is in, the people are great and so is the food (mom has gained a few pounds). Problem is there are no other family members here in San Antonio. So her options are to go to SC or near my brother in Texas. She says that she wants to go to SC but will not fly so that leaves my brother. However, she is now afraid to move because she is comfortable where she is. I can understand that. You hear all these horror stories about nursing homes so when you have found a gem you don't want to leave it. My brother is looking for a place closer to him so we will see what he comes up with. To give someone else that control is hard for me. I told him that if the place had a waiting list then she would be fine short term where she currently resides. We will see where this all ends.

Less then a month until our move and there seem to be so many complications. Will the house sell in the last minute or not, what to do with mom, need to write notice to landlord, coordinate with Jason who is going back with us, cancel everything, either hold or transfer mail determined by if the house sells and we have an address, still sorting through clutter and garage. I need to go to the schools and pull out kids, we are leaving 10 days before the school year is out so I have already coordinated with Sarah's high school teachers for her final exams so she doesn't lose credits. Oh, need to schedule physicals for Sarah's camp and foster care so I don't have to do it after finding a different doctor. Anything else? Oh, how I miss the old days where I could move everything in the back of a pickup truck.