Honesty

When I started my blog I wasn't sure where it would lead me.  I wasn't sure how much I should share.  I figured that if I was honest I would be attacked.  So many blogs paint only a positive picture and don't include anything painful.  But, that is not real life.....at least it is not my real life.

So far, I have not received too many negative responses to my blog.  However, I have received quite a few from other families in pain.  Other families struggling with decisions.  Struggling to find help.  Even struggling to find acceptance from their once supportive friends.

When you decide to adopt an older child you are entering a world in which few people understand the challenges.  So many people believe that love can cure anything.  Love will heal a child.  Oh, how I wish that were true.  I do believe that for some children love does heal, some children are resilient enough that with love and a family they are able to bond.  It is because of those children that are healable that we continue to adopt.  However, I also believe that for some children no amount of love can heal their pain.

So what happens if you do adopt an older child and that child does not bond, does not want to be a part of your family?  Frequently this child will present as a delightful child to the outside world while turning your family upside down.  There is no one to talk to.  No one who really understands what you are living with every day.  Sometimes you feel as though you have the enemy living within. 

You can become very isolated.  Your child may tell lies to others about how terribly you treat them.  Some will start to believe it after a while, others will not.  Parents who are struggling with normal childhood issues can't really understand your issues.  How can you talk about the child who does some very antisocial things?

Seriously, I have no local friends.  Oh, I can talk about bipolar, attachment disorders, IED, FAS, epilepsy, SM, NF1, anxiety disorders, OCD, ODD, drug issues, SA, how to look for pediatric schizophrenia, ADHD and the lack of mental health for children to help families to deal with these issues.  That is my life.  That is what I deal with on a daily basis.  It is my normal.

However it is my chosen normal.  I love being a mommy.  I love seeing my children grow.  I love seeing my children heal.

On the other hand, it pains me when a child cannot heal.  When life has been so painful to a child that they are not able to bond.  When I worry about how the hurt child impacts my other children.  When I feel that all the love I have to give isn't enough.  When I feel as though I have somehow failed my child while knowing that I did all that I could.

Joselin left on May 28th.  She told me she would be back the next Thursday.  (Funny how her last words to me were a lie.)  We have not heard a word from her since.  I know through facebook that she is OK.  But, a part of me wonders how she can just simply walk away like that.  Not a word................