Joselin

How is Joselin doing?
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Testing, retreating, cooperating, questioning, realizing, more testing.
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Honestly, I don't know. Joselin has used deceit and manipulations for so long with me that I can't tell what is the truth from a lie from her. I hope, I pray for some level of understanding on her part. I pray for some healing and growth on her part. That maybe she is ready to move forward. But, honestly, I don't know.
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She is currently having a medical issue that is a direct result of some of her bad life decisions. (No, she is not pregnant). She has seemed shocked that many of the things I tell her are true. That I have tried to help her, tried to protect her from her dangerous decisions. She has said that I was right on more then one occasion.
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She has tested me and has retreated when I held my ground. She has taken items from me and when I asked about them she has returned them. She says that she was only borrowing them, I explained that in order to borrow you must first ask.
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She is doing her chores. Trying to cooperate. Being obedient as well as she is capable of. There is generally peace at the home at this time.
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She is working on her scrapbook. I have given her access to my scrapbooking supplies. I have taken her to Walmart and made copies of pictures for her. I have looked at her scrapbook and she is actually working on it. She labeled a bunch of pictures of Jason as brother. She has spent many hours going through pictures. She comes down talking about forgotten memories.
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I know how when I was a kid how I enjoyed going through old pictures at my moms and grandparents. We have years of pictures with Joselin in them. Do they give her any sense of history in the family. Do they make her feel a part of the family?
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I have been so frustrated over the years, trying to get her to move forward. I wanted to push, pull, grab and shove her forward. She has always stated that she couldn't. She recognizes that she is stuck. Therapists haven't helped. What does? Time? A big life event? Maturing? I imagine that for some people it never happens, they are forever stuck in a tragic point in their life. How sad that is, not what I want for my child.
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I have fear. Fear that she will take advantage of my forgiving nature. It is well known that I am the softie, the one who forgives all, the one who is willing to move forward and forgive even if I get hurt again. I guess that I would rather get hurt again then not give one of my children another opportunity. I can take the pain. I can take the disappointment. I can't accept that I may miss an opportunity for healing because of my fear.
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So I put my fear aside and open myself to being hurt again. What else can I do? To do otherwise is to admit defeat. I am too stubborn for that. However, my eyes are wide open. I know very well that this time of peace may not last long. I will take it while it lasts.