Michelle got a new Adventure Bible for Christmas. She has been reading it. Very carefully reading it. This afternoon I realized that she is underlining and circling every comment about sex or being naked. She thought that it was quite funny and was sharing this information with the other kids. She can quote you the last of Genesis 19:5 Bring them out to us. We want to have sex with them.
In that case I had her read to me the entire Chapter 19, The Lord Destroys Sodom and Gomorrah. We read the entire chapter and learned the consequences delivered to those people. I have had to take her Bible away because she kept showing the kids other specific verses. She decided to tell them all about Noah....and how he got drunk and was laying on the ground naked.
Honestly, I am not sure what to do about this one. She spent a long time scanning the Bible to find anything shocking. We talked for a long time about sin and how we are lucky that there is a New Testament because we are all such weak creatures and need the salvation offered by Jesus.
Any suggestions?
Oh mercy. Not quite sure what else to say.
ReplyDeleteOh, I would have thought that you could offer more! I found it very concerning and am printing up specific parts of the Bible that I want her to read. Then I want her to explain to me what she just read. Any suggestions for chapters?
DeleteI think it might actually be a bit age appropriate and not widely concerning. It made me think back and remember my classmates and I always grabbing the dictionary to look up bad words and giggle that Oh My Gosh they are RIGHT there in PRINT and in SCHOOL!!! Possibly she didn't think of it until she first saw the Genesis passage and was shocked the Bible would have such things.
ReplyDeleteI agree that there is some level of age appropriateness to it. I am sure that at some point in my childhood I did some things that my parents wouldn't have been happy about. However, I sure didn't mark it up all over a new book and then make sure that my mom knew about it. Since she brought it to my attention I will do something about it. Her demeanor was not one of embarrassment like mine would have been but instead she appeared very haughty about it. It is OK, I picked her up some books to read that the Christian book store today to keep her busy.
ReplyDeleteI've prayed with a lot of kids in the area of healing/deliverance. Honestly; my first thought when I read this was that Michelle is 'manifesting' an area that needs healing.......perhaps even hidden. I don't think it's Michelle's 'heart' or who she is that would do that or want that; but what's at work in/against her spiritually/flesh/world. Because the 'sexual' area manifest so strongly while reading the Bible; it's as if light and darkness collided and things are coming to a surface. Almost as if this is a passive/aggressive area for her or even a deep anger for some reason that is coming out as if it's funny. She might not even really know why she did that. Is there abuse there from the time before she came to you? Perhaps if not abuse; then maybe in her past she overheard a lot of talk, or watched tv or was somehow influenced in this area in one of her previous placements. It could also be that she likes the 'shock' value that it brings to people.....a kind of perversion against her mind. I agree with a few of the other comments that she's at that age that it is common for kids to be curious. I would try to just sit and have a talk with her about this to figure out why it came out like it did. Maybe even let her understand why it's in the Bible and what God's plans are for His children. Sometimes; not making a big deal out of it is better and other times not. She for sure needs to know it wasn't good what she did and why. Maybe even give her some good positive verses that she can look up to underline. Like 1 John 4:18! These are just a lot of thought mainly based on what I've seen with other kiddos. Doesn't mean that I'm right. I think you're doing great as a mom!!!
ReplyDeleteMichelle is a hard kid to help. She remembers her past so well and all the moves. Seven different homes, one of them a disrupted adoption placement, at such a young age is hard. I feel that some of the things she does are for attention, some for control, some for shock and some she probably doesn't even know why. I think that this was an instance of shock, attention and even control (over her property). For attention I gave her the Ruth book and told her to read it and then we would discuss it. She sat and read the entire book so that we could discuss it. It gave her the attention in a more positive way.
ReplyDeleteI do know that right now we are seriously cracking down on the lying and she is the only child in the home that won't accept the offer of "would you like to change that story?" Emma was the last to recognize that when I say that I know they are lying. She finally learned to just be honest, Michelle simply refuses and is dealing with the consequences of that. Her Christmas vacation has been very boring.
From what I have seen there are times when you are working on a behavior and they seem to get worse for awhile. This actually tells me to stay the course because there just might be a break soon, at least I hope so!
How old is she? It's possible she just wants to talk about the birds and the bees, and wants you to demystify it. I'm afraid if you react with shock, it just serves to shame intimacy and her questions about her body. What if she had highlighted all the passages about...I don't know... Miracles? Would you have reacted in the same way?
ReplyDeleteI encourage you to have an age-appropriate conversation with her that reflects your values, as well as putting the Bible into context with this day-and-age. The conversation can include why you don't thinking talking about this with the little ones is a good idea, and now that she knows everything she needs to know, part of growing up is knowing who is an appropriate audience for conversation. You can role-play different examples of conversations between parent-child, peer-peer, older child-younger child.
But realize that she is picking up on all of your cues. Being a parent isn't for the faint of heart, I know! If you freak out or make a big deal out of this, you are sending her a huge hidden message about intimacy, and it may serve to create more problems, unless you bring it into neutral space.
Oh, she knows about the birds and the bees. Recently she was at our ministers house and was talking all about it crudely with all the kids there, young and old. The ministers son came down to complain about it. We talked to her about appropriate talk with other kids that day. This is also something we covered in therapy. No abuse but a lot of knowledge and seeing of things that kids shouldn't see.
DeleteAfter parenting many kids I have no problem talking to my kids about sexual issues or relationship issues. My openness to listen, discuss and talk is why I have no grandchildren yet from the kids I raised. What I have a problem with is that she makes it into something crude and nasty and shares with the little ones. I was annoyed that in this instance she chose to use her Bible as the example. This isn't the first time with this issue.
As a survivor of sexual abuse as a child, I would be concerned that there's more going on. I was also crude and more knowledgable than I should've been. I would start conversation to get to the bottom of where she has heard/seen these things. Maybe with a therapist. I was simply ignored, or punished for being crude, but never really talked with. I wish you the best with all this. It does seem like a troubling pattern, not just a curious kid that pushes boundaries.
DeleteIt is hard because she lies so much. I know why the girls came into care and at that time there was no abuse. However, something was suspected in one of the foster homes she was in. She won't admit to anything and it is hard to know. They were in 2 children's homes, 3 foster homes and one other adoptive placement .
DeleteThis issue hasn't come up before I decided to work on her lying. She is a compulsive liar and I fear that it has become a habit with her so it has been my subject of concentration this past month. I wonder if this other stuff is her attempts at distraction. As I process everything I am feeling that it is so I have gone back to the lying as my top priority and not giving attention to the other at this time.
I am sorry that in your case no one listened to you. I would hope that if one of my kids was trying to tell me something that I would listen. Sometimes it is hard to be a parent! Thank you for your input.
Sometimes you have to think in terms of the here-and-now. It's possible, if she has been abused or exposed to something inappropriate, it could be happening right now, and because of all the crazy lies and crazy-making behavior, you wouldn't be able to tell what's what. I've found (I'm a teacher now, and a parent) that the crazy-lying-behavior is covering up for something else.
DeleteDoes she play with her dolls in a sexualized manner? Or draw inappropriate things? If so, those are *huge* red flags.
I wonder if you read a book about body boundaries (such as "I Said No,"), what she would say. There are opportunities in the book for discussion, who are your trusted grown ups, what can you say or do in this situation, etc. Role-playing hypothetical situations can be easier than telling the truth sometimes. I would do that and watch/listen very carefully.
Of course, a visit with a therapist that specializes in this sort of thing would be helpful, too. My best to you!!