Restless

It is late and I should be in bed.  However, I can't sleep.

I am restless.  I feel as though my life is going to shift.  How........I could not tell you.

I look online at photolistings of children.  Children who do not have parents.  Children who have been so hurt in their short lives that that they really don't function well within a typical family atmosphere.  They do not trust, they do not love.  For the sake of my children and family I cannot bring them into my home.  However, I also know that even though we can take precautions there are no guarantees that we won't bring a child into our home with reactive attachment disorder.

I watch a man cry for what he has lost.  Yet, I know that he is not capable of raising his children.  I know that they have an opportunity to break the cycle of neglect because they are being raised in my home.  I know that even that may not be enough to break it.  There are no guarantees......but there is hope.

I watch a daughter struggle with the grief of knowing that her mother gave her up for adoption at the age of 10.  Only she knows all of the truths of that situation.  Eight years later she is still struggling to accept her situation. Still struggling to forgive and move forward.  Until she can move forward she is stuck in that pain of betrayal that she feels.

So much pain.

I feel so restless.  I am not settled within myself and I don't know why.  My life is good.  I sit here at my computer and I know that the electricity will stay on, the A/C will come on and the pantry is full.  I sometimes feel as though I do not have any right to complain.  Yet, I do.  I complain about the messy kids, the unmatched socks, the grass that won't grow and every other little annoyance in life.  I guess that is human nature.

Yes, I am restless.  I think that change is heading my way. 

I hope that it is a good change.