Attachment

"I was never attached to my first family". Those are the words that Joselin told me tonight.
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We had a long conversation tonight, one of very few that we have had over the last 8 years. Joselin is not willing to talk freely, she cannot share her feelings, she does not trust. We have taken her to therapists where she has literally said nothing. Yes, it is kind of frustrating.
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It is not that she can't talk. She can talk quite a lot when she isn't giving us the silent treatment. However, it is a lot of talk about nothing.
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Although she doesn't talk much about feelings and such I sure can and do. I know that she has not forgiven....anyone for anything. She holds a lot of anger in because of this. I have tried to help her to learn to forgive......to understand the motives of people. That sometimes our perceptions of others motives may be wrong. That no one is perfect. No family is perfect.
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Tonight I asked her what her plans were. I didn't know if she would answer me or not. I had no clue that this would lead to a long conversation.
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She told me that she was not attached to her first family. That she was moved around a lot between family members and spent a lot of time alone doing whatever she wanted. She told me that she wasn't used to having so many rules. She missed her freedom to do whatever she wanted to do.
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Very importantly....she doesn't see the value of a family. Interestingly she says that she attaches to her peers very quickly and then ends up hurt when they reject her. This has been an issue for us. We have had quite a few disagreements over her quick attachment to her friends and her willingness to reject us and our rules for them. But, she is just not able to develop long-lasting relationships and those friendships eventually disintegrate.
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She claims no attachment to our family. However, I know, really know, that there is some level of attachment with me. I am the only one that she has opened up to on those rare occasions when she is willing to talk. She has said that she never talked to her biological mother and is often jealous of the other kids and their ability to talk with me. There is some part of her that wants that but she just doesn't know how to reach out and grab it.
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Ack, older child adoption is so hard. Joselin lived with her biological family for 10 years, all of her important developmental years. It is hard to change that. It is hard to have an impact on that.
Regardless, we try and we try again. Maybe some day something will stick.