We are struggling with an issue at our house, two of our kids see kindness as a weakness. Then they try to exploit that weakness and show disrespect to that person. Our biggest offender is Anthony. We had a long conversation with him tonight. It is a situation that has been building for a while now and I just recently put my finger on it. He shows the most disrespect to those that are kind to him; his teachers, Sarah, my mom's caregiver.
This behavior really bothers me. All these people have given to him, done for him, given of themselves; yet he shows them no respect. He sees them as weak and acts out on that perception. I am at a loss of how to change that perception. He has consequences when he does it, however it does not slow him down.
I have talked to him about how he treats others who give to him. I asked him if he has ever seen me or my husband treat others in a disrespectful way. He said no. I asked him why he thought it was OK to treat others who show kindness to him in such an ugly way. He answered with his usual "I don't know".
I consider myself to be a kind person. I have had people take advantage of that. However, I choose to still be a kind person. It is who and how I choose to be. The first person I am kind to is myself. I can laugh at my mistakes and don't take some things too seriously. However, my kindness doesn't make me weak. When I have a battle to fight I will fight it. I may try to do so with kindness but if that doesn't work I will come on strong. I told him to never mistake my kindness or another persons kindness for weakness. Sometimes it takes a stronger person to be kind when the world is growing so mean.
I know that I didn't change his mind. I hope that our conversation gave him a little food for thought. I also know that I have a zero tolerance for this behavior. I fear that this is a battle that we will be fighting for a long time. Anyone else have this issue? If so, how do you deal with it?
I need to hurry and write my Fruit of the Spirit book! Kindness is one of them. And gentleness. Gentleness is controlled strength. Maybe a good one for him.
ReplyDeleteThis strikes me as an issue rooted in pride. I’m still having to chew on that thought for a moment.... but somehow, taking from someone, being blessed by someone, or getting help from someone stings at the pride especially when they have a poor self image and then to cover for that they react disrespectfully. Isn’t it the same sort of pride you see in people who are really poor? My friend with a large family took in another family that was strugglingly poor, the mom was sick in bed and the kids were nutritionally starving. The father was not making much but was gone on the road most of the time and the relationships were co-dependent and fractured at best. So, my friend took them in. Not once did she hear thank you. She took her to the doctor and paid for it, got her the meds she needed, etc.. It was expected for her to make them food and CARRY it up the stairs to them. There was never a thank you, or that was really tasty, or boy, I like that dish.... The kids needed clothing. There was little appreciation ever shown for anything they did. It really got hard to keep serving with a sweet spirit, but my friend is amazing and she never complained or let them know that it was hard. She only talked to me in trying to figure out WHY, or what in the world, not in a bitter spirit, thankfully. We did some looking into that mindset and actually came across some information that has helped me to recognize that pride in other situations. I don’t know if this fits your situation exactly, but it’s food for thought. Angela F from Pearls of Price typing on my daughter’s computer and I”m too lazy to sing out and sign in, ‘cause you know, who ever remembers their password? :-)
ReplyDeleteWe had a family that stayed with us and about broke us. At the time they never seemed appreciative. That period of time about broke our friendship. However, after a cooling off period we resumed our friendship on a different level. I know that I am her only source of emotional support so when she called me from a low point I took her to dinner. We never really talked aobut when they lived with us but about a month ago we were talking about something she said to me that she can never repay me for all that we have done for her. I told her that I didn't expect her to. I can see in her situation how her pride was hurt.
DeleteAnthony on the other hand almost seems predatory about it. It is as though he is sizing up the situation and if he can get away with taking advantage of someones kindness he will.
Honestly, I haven't been following your post long enough (only since this summer) to know your son, his history or anything really. The only thing I can compare this to is an adult I worked for one time. Same description. No matter how kind people were to him, accommodating, etc., he had no respect for us. He intimidated me to no end until one day after about a year of this, I stood up to him and told him how it was going to be. He either got off his high horse and started treating me with respect or I walked. I never saw eyes go so big, nor did I ever see him smile so wide. Ironically, he respected me after that and I became less emotionally insecure and more business-like in my dealings with him.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this behavior comes from your son's past or if its part of his personality. Is he by any chance very, very intelligent? Is he at all a logical-type person? Keep patterning kindness, but never allow anyone to take his disrespect. Don't be emotional about the scolding - a simple "knock if off!" or "I expect you to be respectful" type of response. If he is more structured as a logical person, he will have no patience for an act of emotional kindness, nor will he respect an emotional scolding. He might only understand the cut and dry this is how it is. I'm totally guessing here and of course you would know best what his history is and his personality. I hope I have not spoken out of turn here. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know, but this came to mind immediately.
Anthony came to us a the age of 2 1/2. He has some educational challenges and has some brain impairment which has been determined to be caused by shaken baby syndrome. They believe that Larissa has the same and her seizures originate from the abuse.
DeleteI admit, I am frustrated by this behavior because it seems to be getting worse as he gets older. Yikes, next year he will be a teenager. I am almost coming to the opinion that it is genetic. He father really took advantage of his mother in ways that he shouldn't have and she appeared to be a very kind person. I think that if she could have broken away from him she could have gotten her kids back. She left him for a while but I hear that she is back with him.
I was very upset when we got back from a date and our babysitter (my moms caregiver) was upset because of how he treated her. She enjoys taking the kids on little trips and such but lately hasn't been able to take Anthony or Michelle because of how they disrespect her. She gives of her time and limited resources and they don't have any appreciation. Just the opposite, they disrespect her and mock her. They do the same to Sarah when she babysits, she is just too nice.
Right now he is limited to his bedroom whenever we leave him with a sitter. We don't go often or for long (typically we go to a movie). It has been going on too long and escalating to the point where we are limiting his opportunity to mock her. We are also giving huge praises in the house when we see random acts of kindness.
I hate to even respond since I am not at all in your shoes nor do I have any type of college education in psychology, but I am wondering a couple of things. Would a visit to a psychologist help? I'm not saying medication - ug kind of tired of meds being the "answer" to all things. But maybe even you and your hubby going to ask for advice? Another thought is does he know what you told me about his parents? My 15-year-old (adopted) son who has Asperger's just recently witnessed my 28 year old nephew who lived with us for a period of 10 months and his complete irresponsibility. My son who is himself irresponsible said to me - I don't want to grow up to be like that...and he is actually working on changing his behaviors. Would your son be able to process that his behaviors might resemble that of someone in his biological family and how that resulted? Another thought: Is he angry about something? Did these behaviors seem to "begin" or have they always been there and just getting worse? (With the addition of Benjamin, would he begin to feel like he is no longer "cute" and wanted? My 15-year-old has been threatening to run away lately and I wonder if it is because I am considering doing foster care and he feels like he is no longer wanted. I LOVE my son and told him I'd just run away with him.) Would role play where he can learn a new pattern of behavior/responding to kindness help? Do you think in his heart he is really a "mean" kid or is he a nice, good-hearted kid who does mean things? Sometimes pushing away kindness means they have a feeling or thoughts inside themselves that they are not only afraid of, but also are convinced that should those thoughts or feelings be known to others that they would be rejected by those people.
DeleteDear friend, you do not have to answer these questions and please forgive me for "butting in" but did want you to know you are on my mind and praying for your family. Hoping you do find answers. Please disregard any or all of this if I'm way out of line. Feel free to delete this if you feel I am being too personal.
Anthony came to us as a very wild, very mad 2 1/2 year old with no ability to communicate, feed himself, never had a bed type of behaviors. He was also acting out in ways that gave us huge red flags. We weren't his first placement because of his behaviors. He had no ability to play and was diagnosed as being MR. I talked with his mom on visits, and they literally never talked to him. He just "was" in a home filled with many people and different activities that a child shouldn't be in. We have done extra speech, therapists (several) and extra tutoring to get him where he is today. I do have a therapist that I talk with and we realized last year that he didn't really understand his emotions. When he was angry he would deny that he was angry. We worked over the summer on his anger and recognizing it. He determined that his best coping strategy was to walk away and go to his bedroom. No one is to follow and hastle him when he cools down. His father also had this anger issue and has spent time in jail for it. Last year we took Anthony and Larissa to see their parents. It was a good visit and both parents told them that they were happy with where they are and that they still aren't in a place where they could take care of them. The kids all realize why their parents are unable to take care of them. I haven't talked with Anthony and Larissa yet about all that went on in the home yet but I will when I feel that time is right. It is a very adult issue of exploitation.
DeleteI honestly am beginning to think that his reaction to people who are kind and his reaction of taking advantage of it is a automatic response. On some level I am beginning to think that he isn't really aware of it. We are working with him on being more aware of his reactions to things.
I don't mind a discussion of an issue. Sometimes I write in hopes that someone does have an idea or has dealt with an issue. Sometimes I go back to my own blog to see where we have come from. When dealing with so many kids and so many issues sometimes we get blinded by a certain issue and don't see what is right in front of our face. Sometimes someone can bring something up that gives us a moment of thought.
Lexi does this to a degree, though not with the mocking and disrespect. She just plays cute and innocent in order to get as much as she can from the kind person. If she determines that someone is kind and giving, she will do everything she can to get, get, get. That makes me crazy, because she uses her cute factor to manipulate.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, Emma does that. She is totally helpless when she can get others to do for her. We currently have a rule in effect that none of the kids are allowed to do things for her unless it is a height challenged issue (like getting a glass). Most people are shocked to learn she is 9 because she plays a 6 year old. Yes, poor blond haired blue eyed cutie is already playing it. However, this is preferable to the disrespect and mocking any day.
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