Challenges

Yesterday I spent half the day with the neurobehaviorist trying to decide how to help Anthony. Figuring out what is going on with him is very difficult. He is dealing with several challenges: genetics, drug and alcohol exposure in utero, early neglect and then 3 years as a foster child. If we had chosen not to adopt he would have then had another move and another loss and trauma.

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When dealing with issues it is hard to determine what the source is. Could this be genetic, environmental, from neglect? How do you best deal with it? Can it be corrected? We want to help Anthony to succeed in life, how to we do that?

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Last year when he was evaluated Anthony was still going to visitation. The day of visitation and several days after were terrible. His behaviors were not manageable at home or school. At that evaluation he was diagnosed with possible bipolar. We thought that he was really young and with the visitations still happening didn't feel that we could get a definite diagnosis.

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Anthony has now been our son for over a year and has not had visitation for about 18 months. Many of his behaviors have settled down to a more manageable level. However, they have not gone away. Our concern is that they are hampering his education. He is struggling with his ability to process as well as some behavior issues.

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Once again, he has been diagnosed with Bipolar II. I really like this doctor, he takes the time to talk with you and answer all your questions. I really do need to tape him, he brings out the white erase board and shows me everything on a neurological level. Many of the behavior issues we have been dealing with are explained with Bipolar.

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The time has come for us to move forward with that diagnosis and see if we can get him the proper help. I have really struggled with this diagnosis but denial does not help. Hopefully by getting it under control now we can break the cycle that his biological family has been stuck in.

Dealing with Language Disabilities

At times, parenting can be a tough job. Parenting special needs kids adds a whole new element to the idea of tough parenting. Sometimes there just aren't any easy answers to some of your kids challenges. My biggest concern right now is my son Anthony. Honestly, I am not sure where to go to get him help.

When he came to us at 2 1/2 he had several issues, behaviorally and developmentally. We are still dealing with both issues but lately his language development has become my biggest concern. Thankfully, his behavior issues have improved enough for me to be able to concentrate on his other needs. Anthony hadn't been talked to before coming into care so he missed so many language development milestones. We got all available services for him and when he turned three he attended the school program. He also received speech services outside of school. By kindergarten he tested out of speech services because his vocabulary was on target. I knew that he still had a communication issue but it wasn't obvious at testing for his age level.

This year he started first grade (against my suggestion that he repeat kindergarten) and it quickly became apparent that he was not ready emotionally or behaviorally. Thankfully, he was quickly placed back in kindergarten. By December I was becoming very concerned by his language development. Particularly his conversation skills. It was very difficult to have a conversation with him, he couldn't answer questions and quite often just gave a blank stare when I talked to him. I requested testing for speech services.

I knew that he was struggling but when testing showed that he had problems with both expressive and receptive language skills I was shocked. Based on his scores it was apparent that he has a language disability and he is now receiving speech services in school. However, I don't feel that it is enough and I am not sure where to turn for help. This is not a mental health issue but I do feel that it contributes to his behavior issues.

In the last week I have really noticed that he has serious issues with his homework. As the concepts has gotten more difficult he has just not been able to keep up. Most frustrating to me was for me to show him how to do a problem and then have him sit down and write something completely different. For me to give him an answer and then for him to go sit down and write something different. If it is frustrating for me I can't imagine how it feels for him. Finally, at some point I would just write a note saying that he is unable to do the assignment. I have been doing a lot of that lately.

So yesterday I pulled out his test results to see what else I could gleam from it. When we got the results we were in shock because it was so much worse then what we thought. I didn't really take the time to go beyond the results. Looking at it now I see that his pragmatic score was 2, the standard score is 68. I have been researching pragmatic difficulties and have been so surprised by what I have found. Pragmatics is the use of language in social contexts (knowing what to say, how to say it, and when to say it - and how to 'be' with other people).


"Children with pragmatic difficulties have great trouble using language socially in ways that are appropriate or typical of children of their age. They often do not understand that we take turns to talk, and they will 'talk over the top of you' at times, or, at other times respond to what you say with inappropriate silences, or in a voice that is too quiet. They may interrupt excessively and talk irrelevantly or about things the listener shows no interest in. Their communicative behaviour often appears rude and inconsiderate." Caroline Bowen


Ah, that fits Anthony to a tee. So, when you add that to receptive and expressive language difficulties then what are you dealing with? Many articles say that children with pragmatic difficulties are often high functioning autistic. That was new to me, I don't really feel that Anthony is autistic.

I wonder if his educational issues are all related to his language difficulties or is that another issue we need to address. Seems like the language issues make testing for anything else difficult. I am not sure where to go from here. He receives services in the school but I feel that his issues are severe enough that school based speech services are just not enough. He meets with a group of kids and I think that he needs some one on one services. At this time my plans are to pursue getting him back into individual speech services during the summer. I am also thinking that I want to get more testing done as well. We are moving in a month so I will have to wait until we are moved to do anything. I have requested a meeting with all his teachers so that I can get any suggestions from them before we leave.
I am open to suggestions about where to get services or what to try. I feel like I am walking blindly at this time. Dang, this parenting can be tough.

How do you know if your child being bullied for his race?

Do you see that little scar above Anthony's left eye? It is new, he got it at school. Apparently it was an accident a while back. Just like yesterday, when the nurse called me and said someone accidentally dropped something on his head. Uh, again. I have lost track of how many times the school nurse has called me because of accidents at school. You can even tell by the nurses tone that she is wondering if I am going to buy this accident thing again.

Now, before you think that he is clumsy let me tell you that he has been in school since he was 3 years old and has had only one accident in all that time, he is now 6 year old. Another little fact, he is the only black boy in his class. Could there be a little racism going on? Lately, my gut is telling me that he is in fact a target. Now I need to determine how to deal with it.

Anthony's Hair

Anthony wanted his hair pictures posted too. He is easy....shave it all off!

Before:



After:

I love my Wahl, it does a pretty good job.

Anthony likes his hair to be cut short. When he was younger he had a lot of hair. I spent a lot of time corn rowing. When we finally did get to go take him for a hair cut he sat in the barber chair in amazement. He said, "Anthony is a boy!" I never referred to him as anything else so I wondered where he got that from. Ever since, he lets me know when it is time for a new haircut.

Wow, he looks like such a young cutie here. How quickly they grow up.

Sitting still....can't be done

Location: Kohl's
Setting: waiting for Aunt Cindy to pay for her purchase
Direction: Sit on the bench and wait, stay out of the way of the customers walking through

30 seconds, don't they look so sweet

45 seconds....getting the itch to roam

1 minute....off the bench

Ahhhh.....at least they are watching for customers

Customer walking through drove them back to the bench....

Total waiting time.....3 minutes.

The Call

When you are a foster parent the call can come at any time. You never know what the call will lead to. What child will come your way. What challenges are ahead.

This time I received the call while I was preparing dinner. Could we take a 4 month old baby, just for a few days. While we were going through the certification process my husband and I discussed what ages we would be willing to take into our home, a 4 month old was definitely within our range so I said yes. Important question, I asked an approximate diaper size so I could call my husband and have him pick up diapers on the way home from work.


A short time later Larissa was brought to our home. I took her out of her car seat and was surprised that she didn't have neck control. As with all our former foster kids we were quickly trying to determine what needs the child will have. She would definitely need an evaluation for early interventions. Later we realized that she did not want held, she would arch her back and look away from you when you gave her a bottle. This raised big flags for attachment issues, so lots of holding was required. We had a baby to cuddle and love for a little while.


A few weeks later we were asked if we could take her 2 1/2 year old brother. Apparently he was quite a challenge. We really like to keep siblings together so we said yes. He arrived the next day. More observations and we quickly determined that he needed early interventions and a big concern was his lack of speech. Neglect can harm kids in many ways. Lack of stimulation early in life can cause big issues that continue later in life. Actually, at the time it was mistakenly thought that he had severe intellectual deficits.




Our lives got quite interesting and busy real quick. Doctor, speech, visitations, and OT appointments. It is amazing how quickly a toddler can find that magic marker that a teenager left lying around. Every time we welcomed a small child into our home we had to retrain all the older kids. And the equipment..... all that baby stuff that you can't live without. We had to totally restock our house with baby stuff when we decided to foster young children. Car seats in different stages, crib, playpen, swing, highchair and anything else that takes up lots of space for a small child.


We were told that they would not be in our home long, definitely less then a year. But, you just never know how things will turn out. We enjoyed the children while we had them and worked very hard to help them to catch up in their development and to learn how to love and be loved.



Having a baby fall asleep on your shoulder is precious.




We had the opportunity to give with love. They learned the joy of receiving.





We saw the first attempts of many things, to include music.




The first discovery of the television...






The first beach trip where Anthony was terrified of the water....




and Larissa loved the sand.

All this time we assumed that they were going home. We tried to work with the mom and help her to get her kids back. However, in the end it is up to the biological parents to do what they must to get their children back home. After almost 3 years in our home the courts terminated the parental rights (TPR) and the children were then adoptable. Naturally after so long they had become members of our family. On May of 2009 they officially became ours.

Then, we got to watch Anthony actually stand in the beach waters with joy....

Larissa continued to enjoy the beach her way.




We have been blessed again. We still have challenges but they are not insurmountable.

We have been blessed.

(Note: this post took me two hours. Larissa saw the pictures and I had to show her every picture on my computer!)