Court

The foster babies have a court date on Friday. We were told that they were definitely going home, then no, then yes and now it is definitely a maybe. Yep, that is how foster care goes. I already requested respite care for our vacation in July "just in case".
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So, just in case they do go home I have to pack their stuff up. They have been in our home since September 1st so they have a lot of stuff.....everywhere. I also have to talk with Anthony and Larissa to let them know that the babies may be going home.
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This case has not been typical. I know that there is no way that the courts could get TPR on the parents so languishing in foster care is not good. However, I want them to go home to the best situation possible. But, on the other hand that baby is mighty attached to me. No one promised that foster care would be easy.
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So many people tell me that they couldn't do foster care because they would get too attached. I understand that. I truly do. But as adults we understand that foster parents are supposed to work for reunification. For me there is a bigger pain......that the baby doesn't understand. She is not old enough to know what is going on. In her mind I am mommy. When she leaves I worry that she will think that I have abandoned her. Will she look for me when they go out? Will she wonder where mommy is? Ohhh, that is my pain and it saddens me greatly.
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Friday morning you will find my husband and I sitting at court. What happens there will determine how the rest of our day goes. If the kids go home we will determine a time for us to have them and their stuff at DSS. We will pick up Anthony and Larissa from school and allow them to say their goodbyes. We will take the two car seats out of the car and put away all the baby stuff. We will constantly think that we are forgetting something every time we leave the house. Then we will wait for the next call.
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That is the life of a foster parent.

Attachment part 3

Lewis Carlos came into our home a few weeks after his sister. His first foster home was not able to deal with his behaviors. He was 2 1/2 years old.
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I am not going to go into all of his behavior issues. I will say that having a lot of negative behaviors on top of attachment issues makes it real hard to see what you are dealing with. Neglect is a terrible thing. It can do damage that you don't see. No one talked to him prior to his coming into foster care. His language delays have been hard to overcome.
Because of some of his issues I could not have the girls help with attachment. Even with myself I couldn't do the regular cuddling. What do you do when a child has been taught that a cuddle isn't just a cuddle? How do you work on attachment when he doesn't know appropriate touch?

I did cuddle with him....while doing his hair. It took me a long time to braid all his hair and he loved to sit in my lap while I did it. That type of contact was so important to him.

There were times when we questioned if we were the right placement for him. His behaviors were difficult to deal with at times. However, we knew that he had already been moved once, each move would be even more damaging for him. When foster children are moved a lot they lose grounds with each placement.

We have had one doctor diagnosis him as bipolar. I question that sometimes. I am just not sure. Honestly, I believe that he has some type of neurological damage from the early severe neglect. Each year is just a little better then the last.

He has had to make up for his lost time. We try to guide him along the way

Try to teach him new life skills.

Sometimes we are successful, sometimes we are frustrated. Things don't come easy to him. He understands the world from his place and sometimes it is foreign to us.
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His defiance to others just hasn't gone away. Sometimes I feel that he will not relinquish that control unless he feels safe to do so. He knows that John and I are in control and can keep him safe so he has finally relinquished control to us (most of the time). However, with Sarah it is another story. I do think that it is time to try a star chart for him when she is in charge. I know of a particular toy that he wants. I think he is old enough and comprehends enough now to work towards earning it.

Attachment, honestly I am not sure where we stand with him. There is attachment but I don't think that it is as strong as it needs to be. It is so hard to wade through all the issues and behaviors and determine where you need to go. I told John recently that we need to really concentrate on the attachment now. I feel that his other issues are at a manageable level.

There is healing and there is hope for his future. I feel that if we keep going along our path that he can become all that he wants to be (a cowboy at one time). We just need to be patient, work steadily and never give up.

Anthony Lewis, you are loved and cherished.

Foster Care

Yesterday our foster children had visitation. They visit with their parents and other siblings one hour every other week. We also got confirmation that they anticipate that the kids will go home on their court date in December. The parents have worked their plan.
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Normally this would make me happy. It is unusual for us to actually see parents work their plan. However, this is a strange case. The parents have worked their plan but the initial reason for the kids coming into care has not been resolved. I expect that they will be in care again.
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There are 4 siblings. Three of them have no attachments.......to anyone. The baby has an attachment....to us. It is hard. You want to help them to have attachments but then wonder what the separation will be like for them, especially the babies.
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The baby cried yesterday when the social worker took her away for visitation. It gave me flashbacks to when they had to peel a screaming, crying Larissa off my neck for her visitation. Sigh, the baby had tears rolling down her chubby cheeks. What will it be like for her to return to a home where none of the kids have developed attachments?
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I forgot to warn Anthony and Larissa that the kids would be at visitation when they got home. They walked in the door and asked if the kids were gone. I assured them that I would let them know when the kids were going home. Sometimes I wonder if kids coming and going is actually bad for Anthony and Larissa. They seem to understand the concept. However, lately I have been thinking of doing just one more adoption and then not fostering anymore.
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I just don't know. Some days being a foster parent is really hard. Some days I would love to just sleep in, be lazy, go to the movies without coordinating child care. However, I really feel that good foster homes are needed. I feel that we meet the need.
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It would be easier to say, let someone else do it.
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But, the things we would have missed out on.....
In the end we need to ask, why not me?

The Call

When you are a foster parent the call can come at any time. You never know what the call will lead to. What child will come your way. What challenges are ahead.

This time I received the call while I was preparing dinner. Could we take a 4 month old baby, just for a few days. While we were going through the certification process my husband and I discussed what ages we would be willing to take into our home, a 4 month old was definitely within our range so I said yes. Important question, I asked an approximate diaper size so I could call my husband and have him pick up diapers on the way home from work.


A short time later Larissa was brought to our home. I took her out of her car seat and was surprised that she didn't have neck control. As with all our former foster kids we were quickly trying to determine what needs the child will have. She would definitely need an evaluation for early interventions. Later we realized that she did not want held, she would arch her back and look away from you when you gave her a bottle. This raised big flags for attachment issues, so lots of holding was required. We had a baby to cuddle and love for a little while.


A few weeks later we were asked if we could take her 2 1/2 year old brother. Apparently he was quite a challenge. We really like to keep siblings together so we said yes. He arrived the next day. More observations and we quickly determined that he needed early interventions and a big concern was his lack of speech. Neglect can harm kids in many ways. Lack of stimulation early in life can cause big issues that continue later in life. Actually, at the time it was mistakenly thought that he had severe intellectual deficits.




Our lives got quite interesting and busy real quick. Doctor, speech, visitations, and OT appointments. It is amazing how quickly a toddler can find that magic marker that a teenager left lying around. Every time we welcomed a small child into our home we had to retrain all the older kids. And the equipment..... all that baby stuff that you can't live without. We had to totally restock our house with baby stuff when we decided to foster young children. Car seats in different stages, crib, playpen, swing, highchair and anything else that takes up lots of space for a small child.


We were told that they would not be in our home long, definitely less then a year. But, you just never know how things will turn out. We enjoyed the children while we had them and worked very hard to help them to catch up in their development and to learn how to love and be loved.



Having a baby fall asleep on your shoulder is precious.




We had the opportunity to give with love. They learned the joy of receiving.





We saw the first attempts of many things, to include music.




The first discovery of the television...






The first beach trip where Anthony was terrified of the water....




and Larissa loved the sand.

All this time we assumed that they were going home. We tried to work with the mom and help her to get her kids back. However, in the end it is up to the biological parents to do what they must to get their children back home. After almost 3 years in our home the courts terminated the parental rights (TPR) and the children were then adoptable. Naturally after so long they had become members of our family. On May of 2009 they officially became ours.

Then, we got to watch Anthony actually stand in the beach waters with joy....

Larissa continued to enjoy the beach her way.




We have been blessed again. We still have challenges but they are not insurmountable.

We have been blessed.

(Note: this post took me two hours. Larissa saw the pictures and I had to show her every picture on my computer!)