Monday, April 25, 2016


I am stressing these days, that is probably why I haven't been writing. For some reason when I have a lot to say I can't even get started. Funny, it isn't my studio that is stressing me, it is my mommy duties and heart. When my kids are struggling, it hurts me. When my kids are hurting, I hurt. Some of the situations I don't know of any way I can help. Some of my kids were dealt struggles in life long before they came into my home, some even before they were born.

Right now I am concerned about most of my kids! Ack, between mental disorders and medical issues my plate is quite full. I have to always be calm, patient and level. I live with several people with anxiety disorders. The other day one of those kids was having a hard time. It didn't matter what I said, or if I didn't say anything, nothing helped. Jason was in the room at the time. Afterward he said that he didn't know how I stayed calm and didn't yell because it was intense and relentless. I told him that for me to lose it wouldn't help the situation at all. On the outside I was patient, on the inside I was frustrated. Some days it wears me down. Some days I want to scream and yell. But I don't because I know that it would actually make it worse. It makes 2 year old tantrums easier to deal with!

This morning I went to Lowe's. I had to buy a new faucet. Benjamin saw the motorized wheel chairs and wanted to ride one.Obviously I said no as I was putting him in a cart. He went into full blown tantrum, screaming and tensing his body, trying to jump out of the cart. I got past the wheel chairs and held onto both of his hands which were tensing up. I made him sit in front of me and put my face real close to him and calmly said over and over that those were not for him and he couldn't ride them as I massaged his hands. After a few minutes the screaming stopped and he cried a little while he rested his head on my shoulder. After a bit he was back to his happy self and we went shopping.

When I am dealing with someone with chronic anxiety issues I feel like I am dealing with the intensity of a toddler in a tantrum but without ever reaching the happy place. It feels like it is just cycling and cycling. You can't just yell to stop, get over it, move on because they literally can't. As much as it drives me crazy I can't imagine what it is like to live in that constant state. Not only do I have kids with anxiety disorders but my husband has it as well. Some days I feel like I am the lighthouse in the middle of the storm. So many rely on me. So much responsibility. So stressful.

Adoption, foster care, the effects of this experience don't stop once you have finalization, they continue for a very long time.

I am off to paint, more tomorrow. I have committed myself to posting every day for the next 2 weeks. I also do not have time to post a seperate one for my business so will combine them. However, we do have our official website up and running

1 comment:

  1. So much on your plate. I understand what you mean about trying to keep calm on the outside when everything inside is falling apart. How do we do this long term? You and I are in the same boat...these things aren't going away any time soon. How are we going to keep ourselves healthy enough to care for our families? Things to think about, to talk about. The more I think about it, the more convinced I become that a retreat weekend is needed for some of us moms who know each other.