Monday, March 29, 2010

Testing boundaries - 2279 texts in 10 days

How is it possible for a teenager to make 2279 texts in ten days? On top of that she had 1841 minutes! Those 1841 minutes are the reason I cancelled Joselin's cell phone. Our contract with Sprint only has 1500 minutes. All my teens know that if you misuse your cell phone, you lose your cell phone. Calling hours are after 7pm unless it is an emergency. Joselin must have had an awful lot of emergencies.
I find it sad that Joselin just can't seem to learn to accept boundaries. All but two of those texts were sent to boys and she called home only once. I had checked the minutes at 5 days and saw that she was at 800 minutes and told Kim to take the phone away, Joselin found a way to get the phone back. She is my first kid to permanently lose the cell phone. If she wants one now she will have to buy it herself.
When she was home she found ways to separate herself from the family. Her biggest device in crime was her IPod. She constantly had headphones in her ears. It make it easier for her to ignore us. The IPod was frequently confiscated as was her cell phone. It always made me look like the bad guy. She complained that she wasn't treated like the other kids. It may seem that way because she didn't typically have their freedoms and accessories. However, the kids all had the same expectations and rules, she just chose to ignore them.

When we adopted Joselin we had such high hopes for her. At some point I realized how naive we had been. You can give a child a home, love, education, opportunities, it doesn't mean that they will be open to accepting them. I do believe that she learned some things in our home that she will take with her, I just wish that it was more.

Joselin has been gone since the end of January and unfortunately the main reaction from the other kids is relief. My main feeling is guilt. I feel that in some way that I failed Joselin. I know that I didn't. At some point she had to step up and be a willing participant in our family. She didn't, she just worked hard at being an outsider. I have thought that I had a relationship with her, but no one else in the family does. Sometimes I even wonder about our relationship, was it just because she needed someone? Is she just using me? Is it all lies? How do you have a relationship with someone who admits to you that they have told you so many lies that sometimes they don't even remember the truth themselves?


  1. One of your posts from months ago; yet so pertinent to what we're going through right now. "At some point she had to step up and be a willing participant in our family"...this is what I feel our eldest needs to do before she can move forward but I never knew how to put that feeling into words. I'm scared for what is ahead for her if she never does this :( She lies so much...and I fear she often doesn't know what is/is not the truth anymore. You have amazing insight into summarizing the heart of the issues.

  2. Oh, it is so hard and heartbreaking to see a child who cannot move forward. It is so frustrating because we can't do it for them, it is something that they have to do themselves. Therapy never helped Joselin.