Attachment part 1

After two days of feeling nauseated I am finally just back to having a cold. I sure wish I could shake whatever has a hold of me. I have finished my finals and have so much to do but instead took a nap with the babies today. Oh well, projects can wait.
.
I have been thinking about this blog and sometimes wonder how much stuff to put on here. Sometimes I wonder if readers just want to read the positive stuff and so everything must be peachy. I read blogs about adoption and it is all so positive and happy. I always wonder if it is the truth and if so what am I doing wrong!?
.
I will tell you that beyond my sister in law Cindy who I love, I have no local girlfriends. None.
.
I know that a lot of it is my fault. I don't have time. Also, I have learned that people don't really understand my life. It is too foreign to them. I'd really like to have lunch with Kathy down in Florida! I feel that I could talk about some of my craziness with her and she would know exactly where I am coming from. She probably wouldn't look at me like I had eight heads or something.
.
Attachment....I hadn't really thought about it until I had to deal with it. I never realized how important it was. How much damage it can cause when it doesn't happen. Now I live with it daily. Joselin was my first experience with it so when we received Anthony and Larissa I knew what we were dealing with. Larissa actually had more attachment issues then Anthony and even arched her back when we tried to hold her. Imagine having a four month old infant not wanting to be held to the point where they are arching their back and looking away from you. She wouldn't face us when we gave her a bottle.......4 MONTHS old. That is how quickly it can happen.
.
When we decided to adopt Joselin we simply wanted another daughter. Well, we did get one! I expected some attachment issues. But, she didn't present with what I consider the typical attachment problems. I can look now and see that those times when I felt that possibly we were forming an attachment where actually times that she was being successful at doing her own thing behind my back and I didn't know it. As long as she could sneak out in the middle of the night, steal from us, sneak the phone and internet in the middle of the night, meet with her boys and I didn't know it, she was pleasant to be around. She was delightful and pleasant. As soon as she was caught and restrictions were put on she retreated and probably showed me her true self at those times.
.
She was always wearing her earphones to keep us out. On family vacations she was always miserable. I couldn't understand it. California, white water rafting, fairs, circus, Grand Canyon, DisneyWorld, Mexico, the beach, DC, Texas.....all family vacations and activities where I have pictures of her being miserable. I finally understand the problem, she wasn't in control. She was forced to be with us and had no control. She couldn't sneak out at night, couldn't sneak on the phone in the middle of the night, sneak on the internet, look for something to steal. She was at our mercy and she didn't like it. I don't know why but the answer has just recently come to me. Her great mystery is solved!
.
But, you know that with kids there aren't any guarantees. It doesn't matter whether the children are your biological or adopted. I never planned on having a child with neurofibromatosis or another one with addiction problems. But I did and love them all. All my kids are definitely unique individuals and I have different types of relationships with each of them. I will reiterate that I love them all. I had someone ask me what would happen if she read this blog one day. Well, she knows what I haven't told, she knows the truth. Hopefully, she will read this and know that I love her because I do.
.
I am sorry that Joselin is not able to attach, but I also realize that it is not because of our lack of trying. I don't regret adopting her, it didn't prevent me from adopting again and I am staring at a half completed pack of paperwork as we try for another. I also realize that although she has her issues, she really is not a bad person. She is operating on what has allowed her to survive in the past. Although she doesn't need those skills in our home, her mind can't accept that. I think that had been something that she hasn't moved from, her old survival skills. They were just too deeply embedded. I think that is what is also some of Anthony's problems with his defiance. For example, with Sarah on a certain level I don't think that he really believes that she can keep him safe so he hasn't relinquished control to her. John and I can so he doesn't give us the same problems.
.
Why am I writing all this now? Joselin has found a new mom. She left Kim's house and moved in with a woman who thought that she needed to rescue poor Joselin from us terrible abusive women. See, Kim knows Joselin and was a foster teenager herself. She knows Joselin all too well and so Joselin found someone who doesn't know her. This woman is taking her shopping, out to eat and everything. Well, she was until she tried to take over control of her schooling. Kim went and forced her back home (uh, had to get police to do so). I have asked this woman to back off but she won't. She doesn't understand. I have tried talking to her but she won't listen. It is frustrating. She has no clue what attachment issues are like. I guess she will find out in time because she has invited Joselin to live with her when she turns 18 in 7 months. It saddens me but it is all beyond my control.
.
When our children become adults, they can make some terrible decisions and we parents have no control. I guess I don't like it any more then Joselin does.....losing control. But, I do still have control over myself. I can feel the pain of that loss and learn to accept it.
.
So, that is the edited story of one of my children with attachment issues. Tomorrow I will tell of Larissa's story.

Racism in the Child

I have given a quick overview of our Guatemalan adoption but feel the need to put a little different slant on it...racism. Racism on Joselin's part. Racism that prevented her from really accepting us as her family.

For a year we held on to pictures of our soon to be daughter. It is hard to describe how much you can fall in love with a child that you have not even met. Our daughter Joselin was supposed to be 7 and turned 8 during the wait. We talked to her on the phone and sent care packages. Our family was so excited to finally receive the call to travel to Guatemala to bring our child home.

We were aware of older child adoption issues, attachment, educational, cultural, abuse issues. We studied it all, we prepared our family as best as we could. We travelled to Guatemala with the children in the home at that time. It was an exciting and scary time. We found out very quickly that Joselin was not 8 but instead was at least 11 years old. Regardless, she was our daughter. We completed our paperwork and brought her home.

There were early warning signs. She mentioned that her grandmother didn't like white people. We talked about racism, we fostered children of all races, we encouraged her to talk to us.

However, she had a hard time opening up to us. The times she would talk to me were rare. She chose her friends to confide in. She refused to talk with the therapist. She bullied Sarah and stole from everyone. She pouted when everyone else was having fun. Her heart was hardened.

For six years we tried to soften her heart. For six years we prayed for healing. For six years we developed memories and showed her how a family loved.

Isn't she beautiful?

Just a short time ago she went to go live with a friend of the family. She is attending a special school program that is better equipped to help her with her educational deficits. She is happy. Happy that she no longer has to try and work at being a part of our family.

The night before she left she finally talked to me. We talked until 4 in the morning. We talked about many things but the thing that saddened me the most was her admission that she didn't like white people. She says that she is working on it. She admitted that she worked hard to stay on the outside of the family and wondered how she would be doing if she had worked just as hard on being a part of it.

At school they studied the book To Kill a Mockingbird, it made her realize that she is racist and that it is not a nice thing. All our talking did nothing but a book made her think. Will she be able to change? Will she be able to let go of her racism? I don't know but I pray that she does.

Why was she so racist? The answer is with Guatemala. Guatemala is pretty much made up of the indigenous peoples (Mayan Indian) and the ladinos (European or mixed indigenous descent). You can look back in history to when the Spanish conquered the Mayan empire to see the beginnings of turmoil in that region.

Joselin is of Mayan descent. When she first came she talked of ladinos as being white. She talked of the terror of leaving your home or being shot at times of conflict, stories from her grandma. The hatred was strong.

We prepared for many issues but never really considered that she would totally reject us based on race. Oh, we did talk about race and issues connected with it. We realized that there would be challenges. Yes, we were totally unprepared for the extent of the challenges. we didn't realize that overcoming a racist heart could be so difficult.

I feel that racism may have cost us a daughter, time will tell. I love her and hold out hope that one day she will come home to be a part of her family.

Testing boundaries - 2279 texts in 10 days

How is it possible for a teenager to make 2279 texts in ten days? On top of that she had 1841 minutes! Those 1841 minutes are the reason I cancelled Joselin's cell phone. Our contract with Sprint only has 1500 minutes. All my teens know that if you misuse your cell phone, you lose your cell phone. Calling hours are after 7pm unless it is an emergency. Joselin must have had an awful lot of emergencies.
.
I find it sad that Joselin just can't seem to learn to accept boundaries. All but two of those texts were sent to boys and she called home only once. I had checked the minutes at 5 days and saw that she was at 800 minutes and told Kim to take the phone away, Joselin found a way to get the phone back. She is my first kid to permanently lose the cell phone. If she wants one now she will have to buy it herself.
.
When she was home she found ways to separate herself from the family. Her biggest device in crime was her IPod. She constantly had headphones in her ears. It make it easier for her to ignore us. The IPod was frequently confiscated as was her cell phone. It always made me look like the bad guy. She complained that she wasn't treated like the other kids. It may seem that way because she didn't typically have their freedoms and accessories. However, the kids all had the same expectations and rules, she just chose to ignore them.

When we adopted Joselin we had such high hopes for her. At some point I realized how naive we had been. You can give a child a home, love, education, opportunities, it doesn't mean that they will be open to accepting them. I do believe that she learned some things in our home that she will take with her, I just wish that it was more.

Joselin has been gone since the end of January and unfortunately the main reaction from the other kids is relief. My main feeling is guilt. I feel that in some way that I failed Joselin. I know that I didn't. At some point she had to step up and be a willing participant in our family. She didn't, she just worked hard at being an outsider. I have thought that I had a relationship with her, but no one else in the family does. Sometimes I even wonder about our relationship, was it just because she needed someone? Is she just using me? Is it all lies? How do you have a relationship with someone who admits to you that they have told you so many lies that sometimes they don't even remember the truth themselves?

Our Guatemala Adoption

At some point in our lives we decided that we had room in our hearts for another child. We had four biological children at the time, three of them living at home. We did the usual searches trying to decide which country to adopt from. In some cases we were limited because we already had children. In the end we chose Guatemala. At first we were like many other families and wanted a baby. However, after starting the long paperwork process we decided that we would try to adopt an older child. This led us to the referral of our daughter Joselin.

We were told that she was 7 years old and her mother had relinquished her. This was good because Sarah was 9 at the time and we did not want to twin her with a new child. We had completed all our paperwork and now we got to wait and wait and wait. During the process adoptions stopped in Guatemala and started back up. It seemed like forever to us but when I see how long some other countries are I realize that it wasn't that long. We sent down packages and talked with her on the phone.

Finally, on Sept 2003 we got the call that we could go and pick up Joselin. We took the kids and travelled to Guatemala City to the hogar that Joselin was staying in. I can't begin to describe the feelings you have when you have been anticipating the day you get to hug your child.

We did have some surprises. A big one was that Joselin was not 8 now as we thought but more like 10 or 11. This put her just a little older then Sarah and has actually caused issues for years. We were able to meet with her biological mother and get pictures which is a benefit for Joselin.

Joselin's story and adaption to our family is a long one that I have written about elsewhere. It is not all happily ever after, nor is it a nightmare. We are still struggling today to help her overcome the trauma of her first 10 years. It is hard, there is not a quick and easy fix, it takes time. She came at the age of 10 with no education and only speaking Spanish. Today she is literate in both languages but is still quite a bit behind her peers educationally. She has issues with learning how to live within a family. She told me that she wanted a family for a long time and then once she got one she didn't know what to do with it. She doesn't trust men and it has hampered her relationship with her dad. She says that for a long time she struggled because she was racist and we were white. We have dealt with lying, stealing, manipulation, anger, boy issues and just about anything else adoption related you can think about. However, she is loved and does love. She realized that I was actually her mom the day I stood up to her bullier face to face and she feared for my safety.

Her biological mother told her to go back to Guatemala when she was 16 years old and to support her. We didn't know that until she told me years later. Her mother gave her up for adoption but then didn't give her the tools to accept it.

In February she moved in with a family friend in another state. This was a very hard decision for us. Regular school has just gotten too difficult for her and she wanted to quit. She is with our friend persuing an alternate GED program that they have available for 16 year olds. Amazing how different states have different age requirements for GED programs.

We still hope and pray for healing for Joselin. We hope that one day she will be able to move forward and learn acceptance, that perhaps she can let go of some of the anger. There is hope because she has learned to love, to accept me as mom.