Our Poor Pitiful Yard

When we moved to Texas last June the San Antonio area was in a severe drought. For the first month we were here the temperatures were over 100 just about every day. Everything looked dead and brown. It was mighty sad looking. I didn't even take pictures, it was too depressing. Trees and established bushes dying off.


We rented a place with just about no yard, assuming that when our house sold in SC we would buy a place with a yard. Naturally the grass was all dead. Finally, over the winter the rains started to come and continue to come.........



Of course all the grass was dead but plenty of weeds came up. This drove my husband crazy. He has killed weeds with chemicals and spent many hours on his knees pulling them out of the cement, oh, I mean clay. We have planted some sod, planted seeds, put on some topsoil, fertilized just to get to this point.



It may not look like much, but it is a great improvement. I insisted on the sod by the front door because every time it rained the kids were tracking mud into the house.

Thanks to the rain his little seeds are growing.

After all my husband's effort, I hope that the next tenant waters it. In about another 37 days (uh, not that I am counting) we will get to start all over at our house that has been neglected for a year.

I just love how the trees grow here, all sideways and gnarly.

Got a Call

I guess you need to write about someone and they will call. Joselin left on January 31st and we really hadn't had a good conversation since. Today, however she called me and was in a mood to talk. We actually talked for more then a few minutes like all the other calls have been. She asked about all her siblings and wants pictures. She is excited about her school and talked about summer school. Next year she will be in a cosmology program and she is really excited to start that. She asked about me and her dad. She was really interested in hearing how things were going at home.

It was good to talk with her and I hope to keep communications open. I know that she has an attachment with me and she has told me that she wishes that her biomom was like me. Funny how feeling work out, she was mad at me for years because I could give something that her biomom couldn't. She said that her biomom never talked to her like I do with my kids. When we lived in SC we had a nice swing outside where I would sit with kids to talk. It took Joselin 4 years to finally decide to sit and talk with me in that swing. Did I mention she is hard headed?

Struggling

I ordered Joselin a new bike last week and had it delivered to Kim's house. Her school is about 1/2 mile down the road and there isn't a bus. So, I decided to send her a bike to help her get to school.


She received it today and Kim had her call me to thank me. I really feel that she shouldn't have bothered. It was the most insincere thank you I have heard, she wasn't happy with the color. I ordered a blue and white one because I know that she doesn't like pink.


I don't know what it is, unappreciative or a sense of entitlement. I guess it doesn't matter, same attitude that she has had since she came home 6 1/2 years ago. When she first came her tantrums at Walmart were so bad when she didn't get what she wanted that I didn't take her there for almost a year. She told me that her biomom let her have whatever she wanted.....hmmmmmm, OK. She came with the clothing on her back and was given everything. Sarah offered to share everything with her. Yet, Joselin's biggest gripe was that Sarah had more pajamas then her. I had talked with other parents who had adopted older children and there were others who acted this way. So, I figured with time it would get better. We don't give in to 2 year old tantrums and we sure don't give in to 11 year old tantrums either.

The tantrums did stop. She just started taking what she wanted instead. She took from Tasha the most. At one point Tasha didn't have hardly any clothing and a search of Joselin's room turned up a lot of Tasha's stuff. She didn't just take from Tasha though, she stole from everyone. One day I caught her wearing a ring that my husband had made for me. Naturally, she lied about it but it was a one of a kind ring and there was no denying. Still, stealing was annoying but it was something that could be dealt with. Although she never did stop. In her boxes that she packed before she left I found my jewelry, Tasha's clothing, Sarah's stuff and general things from around the house.

Boys, whew that was a huge issue. She didn't know how to have a good relationship. She could meet a boy at the water park and next thing you know he is a boyfriend. She didn't just have one boyfriend but many at the same time. We caught her sneaking out of the house at night, didn't trust her to stay after school for activities, didn't even trust her during school. I worked with her on how to develop a relationship, how to treat friends, how to treat your family. All of that was foreign to her. Respect was not a word that she understood. What age is too old to learn those things? She cared more for her boyfriends and friends of the moment then she did her family, she readily admitted it.

Her education was another big obstacle. She came with no formal education, couldn't even count money or tell time. She didn't see the need to learn how to read and write. We got her all the help we could and really encouraged her to learn. She is at about the 3rd grade reading level at this time and we are trying to get just a little more before she is old enough to quit school.

We worked through these things and some days felt we made progress and others thought we were just deceived. We felt that we were her prison guards. We were trying to protect her from herself. However, in the end we had to protect our other children from her. We knew that she had been bullying Sarah for years. We didn't realize what she was doing to the younger kids. She had Larissa terrified to sleep in her own room and she was sleeping in our bedroom. We didn't realize what a role Joselin played in that until I read her journal. We also came to realize that she was having a negative effect on Anthony and was impeding him from healing. It is a hard decision to reach, that your child can not remain in your home.

I am thankful that I have a friend like Kim who lived in an area that had a great educational program for Joselin. I am thankful that Kim wanted to have Joselin live with her. Kim is actually tougher then I am, she has had her challenges in life. She can give the tough love better then I can. I admit, I am too soft hearted.

At some point I fell in love with that hard headed, stubborn daughter of mine. I still hope that one day she will want to be a part of our family. I know that this is just a whining session but I am struggling with these feelings. I find myself coming back to this subject again in my blogging. I hope that by writing my feelings I can accept what happened better, understand it better, learn from it. I think of her every day and struggle with this every day. I try not to write about it every day!

We have two other adopted children that we all love to pieces and they have become members of our family like I had hoped that Joselin would. I think that their young ages made a difference. Older children need to be adopted and have homes as well, but boy, what a challenge they can be.

I do appreciate Kim for taking Joselin in but I miss having my child in my own home. I feel that in some way I failed her. That maybe there was something else I could have done, I just don't know what it could have been. I know that at some point she had to step up and want to become a member of our family and she just never did. I know that her racism impeded that, I just couldn't change that for her.

I asked Joselin if she wanted to come home over summer break and she said no. A few days later she said that she would like to come home for her birthday, she wanted gifts. Well, I don't think that will work out, I can send her a gift card. I guess she is toughening me up a little.

Playing the Tourist

Our time here in San Antonio is getting shorter and shorter. Our plans today were to go to the Riverwalk and the Alamo.

Maybe visit the Rivercenter Mall

Perhaps take a boat ride.....

and eat at one of the restaurants along the river.

However, I changed my mind and decided that I wanted to get one of those olde time pictures taken so we headed to Gruene again.

We visited this shop to take a picture...

Some of us got bored waiting for our turn.

Whew, don't mess with that family. Most of us were able to stay in tough character.

We headed over to check out the Guadalupe River. It is too cold for tubing and I don't think that we will have time to do it before we leave in May.

The weather was beautiful and the motorcyclists were out in mass.

I'd love to raft down that river.

I wonder what the story is with the cross on the bank.

Then we mozied over to Mozie's for some grub.

The sliders definitely had cheese.

Hope y'all are having a great weekend too.

Now to make plans for next weekend......

What happened?

I'd really like to know what happened. One day I was cuddling this little 5 week old baby. Oh, she had quite a bit of gumption at 5 weeks and looked straight at the world. I should have known that she would be in a hurry.

Because I really don't know what happened. Next thing I know she is grown! I didn't give her permission, I really didn't realize that it happened so quickly. Seems like it was just a blink of an eye and I was taking pictures of that baby in a wedding dress. She was in a hurry as usual and we had to prepare her wedding in 8 days. She wanted to marry her soldier who was going to deploy to Afghanistan in the near future.


So, how did it happen? How was I making birthday cakes one day.........

and a wedding cake the next?

When you plan a wedding in 8 days you really must know how to bake because you sure can't order one.

How did it happen that my oldest daughter was leaving home while my youngest daughter was still a toddler? Why are they in such a hurry?

I really don't know how it happened so quickly, but I do know that I work every day at learning how to let go. Yes, Tasha will always be my daughter and I love her so, but now she is someone else's wife. I have to trust that her husband will love and treasure her as much as we do. I have to stand back and watch them experience growing pains.

I haven't lost my mom position. It has only changed, evolved into a more mature relationship. It is just hard sometimes when in my minds eye she is still my baby.

Any what started all this? Cleaning out the garage! I found Tasha's Trolls in the garage and have watched Larissa play with them all afternoon. Lesson learned, leave the garage cleaning to my husband.

45 Days

We only have 45 days until we move back to South Carolina. We hadn't planned on moving back, the economy has hampered the sale of our house. I am not sure how I feel about it. I am finding that I actually miss that house and the small town that we lived in. We lived there for 7 years, that is the longest period of time in my LIFE that I have lived anywhere before.

During my childhood my dad worked for Westinghouse and the longest we lived anywhere was Beaver, PA for 4 years to complete high school. Then I married into the military and started moving all over again. So, I did have the itch to move and Texas was where we wanted to be. We had been stationed in San Antonio before being transferred to Hawaii and loved it. However, it seems like it has changed a lot and grown tremendously. Of course that could just be my perception after living in a small town.

I find that I also miss trees and greenery. Ahhhh....to be able to just go out and dig in the sandy soil. I thought I didn't like sand until I tried to dig into this clay. We actually saw a neighbor doing yard work using an ax to help break up the soil.

This decision to move back wasn't made lightly. John cannot get a job where he was working before. He was offered a job 100 miles away in Augusta. Right now the plan is to get him a little rental and he can come home every weekend. Hopefully at some point he can find a job closer, more of the unknown.

So, in 45 days we will be leaving Texas to go back to our house....

3400 sq ft, 5 bedrooms, 3 1/2 bath, four car garage, workshop, shed, nice big lot....yep, I miss it

This was my last view before they loaded up the last of the boxes....

However, before we get to the point of actually moving, I need to go through our current garage.......


You try to downsize by 1000 sq ft and 2 car garages and see what your garage looks like!

Let the fun begin......

Taking Care of Mom

I never thought that I would be the position to have to take care of my mom. I never wanted to think that I would have to make decisions for her. However, here I am having to make gut wrenching decisions. Almost two years ago our family travelled to Texas to take mom home with us. She had a stroke years before and just wasn't able to take care of herself. Being responsible for your mom is a huge responsibility. I managed her meds, doctor appointments and overall well being.

Last year she had another stroke. We were concerned that she wouldn't be able to come home, however after two months of rehab she was able to function well enough to do so. She had some issues with falling and actually fell one day and broke her shoulder. I started to question if home was the safest place for her. I was terrified that she would break a hip one day. I felt that I was responsible for her and couldn't stand that she could get hurt on my watch.

Last summer we moved to Texas where my two brothers live. We found a place to rent and were hoping that the house in SC would sell soon. However, by January we were tired of making two housing payments and decided that we would return to South Carolina in the summer. Mom planned on going with us.

In January mom had another stroke. I assumed that after some good rehab she would improve, she had done it before. I was shocked when the rehab facility called after 20 days and said that they were taking her off of rehab....she wasn't making any progress. I was terrified. She can't transition from the wheelchair to the bed, can't walk, has some dementia, still struggling with irratic high blood pressure and is incontinent. As much as I would love to, I can't take care of her in the home. I have told her that I can't take care of her in the home. I have stairs, my home is not set up for wheelchairs, I just know my limits of what I am capable of doing.

So, she is in a nursing home with Medicaid. I really like the nursing home but know that I can't keep her there since I am moving. Medicare is set up as a state program so I can't just transfer her to SC. So, my brother is looking for a place near him here in Texas.

I feel so bad, I feel so guilty because I know that I can't meet her needs. She wants to go to SC with us, she wants me to take her home. Every time she says this it breaks my heart. On some level I feel like I am abandoning my mom.