Saturday, July 15, 2017

Elder Care

My mom has been on my mind a lot lately. My mom is slowly declining. I know that she will not get any better. I am well aware of her health and condition. I am at the point where I am not sure what to do because I don't know what the impact will be on Benjamin. He has a very close relationship with my mom. He goes into her room and helps to take care of her. They very much love each other.

After her last hospital visit her doctor wanted to put her in hospice care so that she didn't have to go through that experience again. The pain and procedures are not what she would want. I ended up not putting her in hospice because she would lose her caregiver.

Her doctor said that if she got sick again to not call an ambulance but to contact her to put her in hospice care. She said she would do a house visit to do that. However, I worry that my kids would perceive that as me not taking care of my mom. Would they think I am killing her?

My expectation has been that she would stay home until she passed away. Now that Benjamin is older he goes into her room without me being aware of it. What if she passes and he goes in and is the one that finds that. I think he would believe that she is sleeping. How would my other kids react to grandma dying in the house?

Am I overthinking this? Will I be causing extra hurt to my kids? Anyone else deal with this?


  1. I haven't dealt with this, but I think that you are over thinking it a bit. If she passes at home, I think it will be just fine. Your family knows that she is sick and not getting better. I think it can help kids to see that death is a part of life, not something to be afraid of, so to speak. And the little one will think she's sleeping so you'll have a chance to talk to him and all the kids. It can't hurt to talk to them before she passes too, let them know she is getting more sick. If you decide to place her in hospice, yes, it will be hard on Benjamin since he seems to visit her the most, but I think all the other kids would understand and not think that you weren't taking care of her. You have been doing that for a long time. The struggle would be making time to visit her, stressing out over what other caregivers are doing/not doing and feeling guilty yourself that you moved her. You have a big family and a very busy life, it is a hard call to make, but you have to choose what you are the most at peace with. I think the kids will be okay either way, just prepare them for whatever changed may be coming.

  2. I also have no experience with this type of situation, but that your mother's death will be hard on all of you regardless. I am so sorry for all the difficult decisions you are having to make. My great grandmother died in her sleep at my grandparent's home when I was 10. We were all very sad, but I think it was more peaceful for her being in their home than in a facility. I'm praying for all of you during this time.

  3. As a child my mother was often the final caregiver for elderly family and friends. I frequently went with her on visits or helped if they were in our home. I saw plenty of passing and passed loved ones. It was sad for sure but I never felt traumatized by it. At a young age I was able to understand the gift of a peaceful and loving death. I'm sure the kids will be fine with either hospice or home death. I've found that kids handle death better than adults.