I have started this post several times and can't seem to get it done. I also can't seem to write anything else until I write this! I hesitate because I feel as though all I do is complain about being a caregiver and I don't want to come across that way.
I am weary. I am unsure of what to do. Folks, I hate to say this but I am weary of taking care of my mom. A few years after taking care of her I simply thought that I would take care of her until she passed away. I assumed that she would stay home until then. However, I am weary.
It is getting harder. She doesn't want us moving her, changing her. She wants left alone.....and fed good food.
Her legs are losing all muscle tome and pulling up. We ensure that we put something between her feet so that she doesn't get sores. She came home from the hospital with a sore on her back. We have cleared that up and she currently has no bedsores. That is hard considering she is in bed 24/7.
She is starting to complain about pain in her legs so we need to look at pain management. To get her to the doctor we have to coordinate an ambulance ride. We are working on that now. I wonder what they will do for pain management. I know that I can't handle pain meds, Tylenol with codeine makes me so sick that it is worse than the pain. Hospice would make it easier but then she would lose Charlotte and I would lose some caregiving hours.
About two years ago I made reservations for a cruise this December. At the time we really thought that my mom would no longer be with us so we invited her caregiver. Well, my mom is very much with us so we have to use the respite care that they provide in this state. That means that my mom will go to a nursing home while we are away. I worry about that. I could possibly find someone to watch her in the home but it would be a stranger, staying in my home all week and taking care of my mom. I am not comfortable with that, I don't know how they would treat her. I am not comfortable with the nursing home option either although lately I have been thinking that perhaps that would be the time to transition her to a nursing home.
Some days I am weary and think that it is time for a nursing home, other days I feel guilty for thinking that. My brothers, husband, everyone say do whatever I want. I would love to share this decision with someone! It is all on my shoulders. I fear the nursing home, bed sores, someone handling my mom rough, making her cry. How do I explain to Benjamin that I got weary of taking care of grandma as we visit her at a nursing home. I imagine that she wouldn't last long at a nursing home.
Why do these decisions have to be so hard?