Rough Weekend

It was a rough weekend here. I have come to the realization that taking care of my mom is going beyond my comfort zone. Way beyond and not somewhere that I feel I can stretch to. She has had some sudden onset dementia which made us think UTI because that is what she normally does. It is terrible. She doesn't understand why her legs don;t work. She is way in the past and thinks she should be able to walk. She wants me to get her out of bed and help her walk. She is very distraught about her inability to walk. She has never been this way about her walking. She gave up on the walking. Then she cries and cries and wonders why her mom hasn't picked her up yet. Asks me to take her home to her mom. As painful as all that is to watch it isn't unexpected. It is so hard to watch your mom cry for her mom.

Saturday I had some painting parties as usual. Normally I take care of and feed her between however I was never able to get her to wake up. By the evening I was getting worried about dehydration. I was constantly checking on her. I hand fed her some boost which she finally accepted in the evening. Whenever I changed her she cried and complained she was cold. She doesn't like to be changed or moved around at all. She constantly fires her caregiver for taking care of her. Sunday morning I thought that we were going to have a second day of sleeping all day. However, in the afternoon she woke up and started eating and drinking again.

Saturday I thought the worse, that she was choosing to die. Sunday she was eating like she was starving (which I guess she was since she only had boost the day before). I expect that we will see more and more of these episodes. Folks, this is tearing me up. I just can't handle it anymore. I talked to her caregiver Charlotte and told her that I will look at putting her in a nursing home before we go in a cruise. I don't think that she would do well with going on respite and then home. Taking care of  her has just gotten to be too hard on many different levels. Her caregiver admitted that it was becoming a struggle her her a well since my mom cries every time she handles her. Making a timed move will actually be better for Charlotte as she will know what her job here will be finished.

I talked to the older four. Larissa cried. The other kids didn't seem to care. Of the kids, I think that it will be hardest on Benjamin. He has a very close relationship with my mom. He also has a close relationship with Charlotte. For him it will be like losing two people in his life. Charlotte will continue to be in our lives but not on a daily basis.It will be hard for me as well. I know my mom will not be happy. She does not participate in the activities that nursing homes offer. She was miserable in the one in Texas. They had her seeing a therapist because she was so miserable. The therapist was happy that I was taking her home. Knowing that I am putting her back in that situation is hard. I just expect it to be difficult on many different levels but it is time.