Hard Stuff

We have been dancing on the tables at our house, what have you been up to?

Some days dancing on the tables is required to keep our sanity. Let me tell you, some days life is hard. Some days I struggle with how to help some of my kids. Some days I feel that I fall short. Some days I feel as though no matter how hard I try nothing will change.

For awhile I have struggled to write because I feel as though a huge boulder is sitting on my shoulder and I really don't know how much to say. Then I think that I started this blog to educate and to share. So I am going to take that big boulder off my shoulder and share. 

Attachment, such a strong word for me. At one point in my life it wasn't a strong word, it was just a simple word like any other. Then we adopted, then we fostered, then we adopted again and again. You think I have read, I have educated myself, I have resources, I have patience...I can do this.

No, I am not throwing in the towel, that is not possible. However, I am at a stalemate. I have been to therapists, I have even had a therapist not willing to work with my child because as long as the child thinks she is the victim and there is everyone else's fault then nothing can be done to help her. We live in an area that does not have much mental health support when it comes to attachment. One such specialist recommended having the girls moved early on, she didn't feel that there was any hope. 

I have done a lot of reading. The brain is hard wired by around 3. After that it is very difficult to change a child's wiring. I think that perhaps it all depends on the child but as I am living life I am seeing that it is very difficult to change after 3.

. We adopted Joselin when she was 10 years old and we really struggled. The base of that struggle was her anger, so much anger that got directed at us because we were there. Yet today we are attached. We have a relationship. BUT, I believe that she had attachments before she came to us. A big person in her life was her grandmother. She talks fondly of her and tells me stories of her and how she protected her. What a gift, the ability to attach was given to her.

Anthony came at 2 1/2, he was a difficult child. So wild and unattached. Honestly, I think that all those hours he spent in my lap getting his hair done helped with attachment. For years he struggled with anger. In the last year he has tackled that anger and it has dramatically improved. He has worked his way out of the self contained classroom and now receives help when he needs it in the resource class. He got all A's and B's last grading period! This is a child who was rejected by other foster parents and who everyone thought had intellectual disabilities. He was at that cusp of 3 years old but he attached.

Larissa came at 5 months arching her back to avoid being held. She came without attachment at a very young age. We did everything that is recommended to get her to attach. Today she is very attached. She has a lot of other issues going on with her but they are not attachment related.

Benjamin came to us right out of the NICU, he is firmly attached and spoiled.

Emma and Michelle, we struggle. They were almost 5 and 6 when they came to our home. The most concern was with Emma and her constant screaming. The first year was hard. The screaming stopped and with time the lying lessened. She has a level of attachment but I wish it was stronger. If she could get rid of some of the diva/racist attitude it would go far for her. Honestly, I believe that if she had been adopted without Michelle she would do better.

So that leaves Michelle. I thought that we had a level of attachment. Then at some point I realized that what we had was what she wanted to portray. Once I started to really notice the lying and manipulation some of her mask fell off. Today I don't feel that we have much. I don't feel that she has much empathy, her jealousy pushes out so much. The lying has long been a problem, I tell you, she has lied to me every day she has been in our home. Every day. How do you form a relationship with that? I have talked to her original social worker/Gal's and was told that her mother was the same way. Couldn't tell the truth if her life depended on it. It isn't just lies. It is the constant need to hurt me without appearing to hurt me. The need to have control. The hurtful words to her siblings, Emma included.

How does she hurt me without appearing to hurt me? An example is all my nick knacks on the shelves. She is "clumsy" and breaks them from time to time. One day she accidentally broke an item that I had actually bought at the Goodwill. The sticker was on the bottom. I realized what she was doing so I showed her the bottom and told her that most of the stuff on the shelves was from Goodwill. That we had so many foster kids that I didn't put anything special up there. I never told her that I knew what she was doing. I sure haven't told her that I do have things that I value on the shelves. Since that day she hasn't broke anything else. 

I feel that it is always a game. Kids get hurt playing with her and it is always an accident. She never accepts that she is wrong, every time she is corrected she cries and tantrums and says that it isn't fair how she is treated. I sometimes will talk with her to show her how it isn't unfair, that all our house rules apply to everyone. I am not sure if she is playing me or really thinks that it isn't fair. I have given grace, started all over but she just takes advantage of that. I have talked with her when no one is mad to try and work on our relationship. I believe that I want it more than she, she just wants to use the lack of one against me. 

She can do well for a short period of time to gain something that she wants. As soon as she gets what she wanted she reverts right back to her behaviors. I have never had a child roll their eyes, shrug their shoulders, look away from me is disgust as she has. My concern is that Benjamin is watching all of it. Anthony has gotten quite vocal about her disrespect. The older kids can't stand it and Joselin who has been around lately is constantly pissed at her.

I work on limiting her impact on the other kids. I do not feel that she is a big danger to the kids. She bumps into them but isn't violent. I don't believe she will become violent. She gets much more effect with playing games; lying, manipulating others. It is written in her psych evaluation that she will lie about others if she isn't getting her way. I worry about the boys. I worry about false accusations. I worry that something will really happen and we won't believe her! Right now when she is lying and I don't believe her she has crying fits and tantrums. I really don't know why she continues because it doesn't work for her but I wonder if it will outside the home.

But life goes on. On good days she can play well with the kids and their funny games. I pray often and offer grace when I can. On good days I still have hope and on bad days I struggle.

Tomorrow foster updates