Happenings

Today I decided to paint the dining room.  We are moving my mom over to the dining room so that John can get his office back.  Actually, I think the dining room makes a better bedroom then the office.  It is also a nicer bedroom then a dining room.

My mom asked for two toned purple (previously she wanted orange).  I told her that the ceiling is painted in that room and she might feel like she was living inside of a grape.  She decided to go with purple and light blue.  It is not done...maybe tomorrow.

Tasha didn't tell me to watch her cat around paint.  I now have Tasha's kitty prints all over the floor.  Every time I go in the room her cat is there checking out the paint.

Jason left yesterday for Charleston.  It is a good thing but I miss him.

Yesterday, Michelle was in a little play at her school in the the morning.  Every time I go to one of these school events I watch all the kids looking for someone. 

Last year I was at Larissa's "graduation" from 4K and one boy had no one show up.  He cried during the entire event.  I felt so sorry for him and his teacher tried to give him lots of extra attention.  However, he wanted his mom to be there.  I have been to a lot of these school events during the day and have watched a lot of kids get upset because no one came for them.  I imagine that the parent is working and can't come.  That doesn't help the child.

The play was really cute and Michelle had one line in it.

Lots of family members showed up.

I took Michelle home after the play because their adoption worker was coming for a home visit.  She called at 9am to tell me she was leaving and would be at our house in 2 hours.  (The girls are an out of county placement).  This was her second attempt to visit, the first one was cancelled the morning of.  We came home and waited, waited and waited some more.  The girls kept asking me where she was.  I had no clue. 

Finally at 3pm I called her office to see if something had happened to her.  She wasn't there but they said that they would get back with me.  Around 5 pm I received an email from the worker explaining that her cell phone had died and she lost her debit card last week so she couldn't buy a charger.  Honestly, I don't know what a cell phone dying has to do with not coming.  She also wants me to pick a date for May. Next time, I am not going to pull my kid out of school for another visit that might or might not happen and then sit around and wait all day.

We try to teach our kids that adults can be trusted.  That our words mean something.  Then we have social workers who are unreliable.  Geez.



I Struggle

Some days I really struggle.  I struggle with forgiveness.  When my 6 year old child tells me that she doesn't want to live with her biological parents and then proceeds to tell me exactly why, yes, I struggle to forgive.

When I sit up late at night with a crying teenager as she reads some messages from her other family, when she tells me more of her story, when I realize more of the betrayal she has endured...I struggle to forgive. 

When we received the baby with an iron imprint on his face, a 6 week old baby, I struggled to forgive.  Then I struggled to understand.  When that baby went home I couldn't understand.  How is a parenting class going to help?  You shouldn't need a parenting class to know not to put an iron on your baby's face.

I struggle to understand some of the things that parents do to their children.  I am not a perfect parent by any means but I do my best to protect my children.  My children can trust me to do my best for them.  I may fall short sometimes but I bounce back.

I really try to understand where a parent is coming from.  I try to understand that they may have come from an abusive upbringing themselves.  They may be dealing with an addiction.  They just may need support.

Tonight I am struggling with both the forgiveness and the understanding. 

Sometimes it is really hard to be an adoptive/foster parent.  To see first hand the things that I wasn't aware of before.  Oh, I would read the news articles, but there is so much more out there that is never in the news.  So many hurting children.  So much pain.

Break Time

I am enjoying my break.  The kids are still in school and I am not!  I am trying to get some overdue projects done.  Working on the kitchen continues.....feels like it may never end.

I am also trying to take care of things I promised to the kids.  I promised Sarah that I would paint her Toms.

I am not quite sure who that old lady is but she is painting past midnight.  Sarah took that picture....I still love her.

I called the girls SW this morning to nag.  Still no TPR filed.  Ughhh!  Next time I don't think I will accept a placement from this county.  Apparently being more then 6 months behind means nothing to them.

Teen is struggling with more attacks from her biofamily.  Strange things happen when you are happy.  I think that she is finally deleted which is the best thing.

Friday the girls adoption worker is coming for a visit. The house is in shambles.  I started serious decluttering which actually makes the house worse in the short term.  I can't decide if I should continue or do a "quick hide all the stuff the SW is coming" job.

My son Jason is leaving the nest.  He is moving to Charleston.  Finally launching from the coop! There are better job prospects there so he should do well.  He already has a house rented and will leave on Friday.  I will actually miss him though.  Funny how I want my kids to go out into the world and do well but I also want them close.

I am sure that Sarah will miss him....no big brother will be around to snoop on her laptop.

No new news about my mom.  I do procrastinate on many things and making any decisions in regards to her will be slowly made.  I am moving her to the "dining" room so that John can get his space back.  He has been upstairs in a bedroom and is ready to move back to his office.  I told my mom I would paint the new room and she wanted purple....all purple.  I told her that the ceiling was painted too and that if she did all purple she might feel like she was living in a grape.  So she chose purple on the bottom and blue on top.  Another painting project I need to do because now she asks me if it is done every day.

Well, I am off to bed.  Lots to do tomorrow.  I might get some paint form y moms room and get started.  Hope everyone has a great day!

Finished

I have finished another semester of school.  Sorry I was gone so long, I was struggling over a paper.  It was about the educational challenges of youth in foster care.  Before I started the paper I didn't realize how disadvantaged they were in school.  The graduation rate for foster kids is terrible.  The homeless rate is high after they emancipate.  There are programs that help but without a good mentor/parent life is hard.  Imagine not having anyone to rely on or to be able to call on when you are having challenges...or when you just need someone to talk to.  It was the most depressing paper I have ever had to write.

Actually, it made me wonder if we are doing enough.  When you know there is a problem what do you do?  It is so much easier to ignore it.  Sometimes it seems as though there are so many issues and so many people hurting that it makes it hard to determine where to put your time and efforts.  Obviously we have chosen the children who are a product of abuse or neglect.  It is not an easy road.  But someone has to do it.  Why not us?


Our teen who we are trying to adopt has been pressured by her biological mom to come and live with her.  The problem is this mom has failed to protect her daughter in the past.  Her daughter does not trust that she can rely on her mom.  It wasn't too long ago that we were rescuing the mom so how can she rely on her.  She knows that here she is safe and we will always support her.  She is learning how to be a part of a family here.  She has missed out on so many life skills and she has so many more to learn.  She has had so many firsts in our home.  She finally has someone who nags her about her homework and grades.  Someone who cares whether she is successful in life or not.  She hasn't had that but she has needed it.  But, in the end it will be her choice.  She is 16 years old and will soon be 17.  IF she becomes a member of our family it will be because it is what SHE wants.  We love her and want her to be our own but know the pull of the biological family.


This last Sunday Joselin joined us for church and lunch.  We have been talking a lot lately about things.  She told me that sometimes she wonders about "what if?"  I asked her what if what?  She said, "what if I had open to having a family".  Ah, she admitted that she never thought that she needed a family.  She already had one in Guatemala and didn't need another one.  She admits to rejecting us.  So, I asked her if she was willing to accept her family now.  She said she didn't know.  I told her that as long as we are still living then it isn't too late.

We went to church and lunch.  Sarah and I drove her back to Columbia.  On the way back she said yes to me.  I asked her what she meant by that.  She said that, yes, she does need a family.

Yes indeed, we all need a family.(and I think she is shrinking because Anthony hasn't grown that much!)

Our Craziness

     My husband has wanted a well for years.  I want a pool.  We can't afford a pool so we went for the well.  By time they finish we may find out we couldn't afford the well too!  They have been in my backyard for days making a huge mess.  So far the well is 220 feet deep.  It has been sitting at 220 feet now for 2 days.  Apparently they hit rock at 220 feet so they put down the casing yesterday.  This morning they realized it had cracked so they had to pull it all out again and redrill the well.  This picture is before the real mess happened.  Maybe I don't need a pool after all.  My son Jason recommended piping hot water into the mud pit and charging folks to come and get a mud bath.

     I am chicken.  I have not allowed the kids to go into the backyard.  Part of the reason is the mud pit but the other part is the equipment.  They leave their equipment in the yard every night and I can't begin to imagine how expensive it is.  I can, however, imagine the damage that my kids could do to the equipment.

     Hopefully tomorrow they can resume drilling.  I hope that they hit water soon, we are charged by the foot.  I told them that if they hit gold or oil I would be OK with that but they don't anticipate that being an issue.

     On the school front I have one last paper to write.  A 15 page paper that I can't seem to get motivated to write.  Right now I have 2 pages done....the title page and abstract.  I was going to work on it late tonight (I am a late worker, no kids) but I am going to make a Walmart run instead. 

     The last few days my mom has been acting way off.  Talking about getting up and going to do stuff and such.  Let me get this straight, my mom requires total care.  I change her Depends, get her dressed, bathe her, take care of all her laundry and personal needs, pick her up and put her in her wheelchair and then pick her up and put her back into bed, dispense all her meds, feed her - basically the only thing she does for herself is feed herself.  Tonight she took off her Depend and wet her bed.  Almost midnight and I just did a mom and bed change.  Now I need to go to Walmart because I thought that I had another bad of Depends and don't.  I am down to only 2 Depends in the house, that is not a good thing.

     Honestly, I think that I have reached the end of my caregiving endurance.  I just can't do it alone much longer.  I can't expect my husband or my kids to change my mom.  I worry about this summer when I have classes and the teens are at Bible camp, when Sarah is gone on her mission trip, when I am gone on my mission trip.  Heck, even without all that I am just plain tired of this level of caretaking.  There is a state program that can help and we are on the waiting list.....the wait is at least 6 months long.  I can't wait that long.  I am tired.

     Say a prayer for me as I look at options.  Wish me luck on my midnight Walmart run, I may need to get some chocolate while I am there.

    

Therapists

We have been through a lot of therapists in the last few years. Well, at least 10 of them.  Some were good and some not so good.  Of course our latest "not so good" was the girls therapist who said we should have them moved.  The therapist we found after that is pretty good.  I really like her.  Why?  Because she gets it.  She actually understands attachment issues and why my child has them.  I can talk to her about issues and she gets it.  She doesn't even talk much to my child, she has me do it through the Parent Child Interaction Therapy.  I am in the room with the child and she is helping to direct me through an ear piece.  My child is not able to lie to her.  She can't manipulate her.  The person who needs to interact with her is me.  The person who she needs to attach to is me.  The person who needs to know how to work with these issues on a daily basis is me.  The most this therapist interacts with my child is after our session and she only talks to her while I am in the room.

In researching attachment therapists I did read one site which stated that in attachment therapy the child shouldn't go off with the therapist with the parent being left out.  Why?  Well, the child probably lies and manipulates.  If they get away with it then how is that helping.  Thinking about my own experiences with therapists I think that to be successful the therapist needs to trust what the parent is telling them.  If that trust doesn't exist then how can the child be helped.  I think that was our problem with the first therapist.  She saw our child acting like an angel for 30 minutes and thought we were crazy.  In her mind it was obviously us who had the issue.  I was told that she had experience with attachment issues, I don't think so.

I am glad that we decided to seek out a different therapist.  I read all the time that people have problems with their therapists.  I really believe that if a therapist does not trust you as the parent then it might be time to seek out someone who does.  The hard part is actually finding someone who does know what they are dealing with.  It just so happens that my current therapist works with a lot of foster children.  She has seen a lot of attachment problems and has educated herself on the issues.  I wish that we had found someone like her when we were trying to find one for Joselin.  We were never able to find anyone to work with Joselin in any positive way.

Anyone out there have success with their therapist?  Anyone have a great attachment therapist? 

Perceptions

When you enter into the world of foster care and adoptions it seems as though people think it gives them an open door to find fault with everything you do.  When parenting children with neglect/abuse issues or even mental illness issues, your parenting style is rigid.  It has to be.  Sadly, if you are not consistent and firm the children will take advantage of it.  They will not see it as kindness, they will see it as a weakness.  They are actually scared of that weakness, how can you take care of them if you are weak? 

That is not to say that you don't show your children kindness, you do, you just keep the expectations and consequences.  They have to know what to expect. We love our children, we hold our children, we cuddle, we support.

When you also have a child with attachment issues then you have the extra challenge of having a child who transforms into a loving child to others.  They never see the tantrums and acting out, they don't realize that they are being manipulated.  Others see this lovely, sweet child who has strict, mean parents.

Lately my biggest problems have been at church. Actually, it has been one main person who has been around my children and now believes that she is an expert.  Sunday she undermined my authority and tried to make my "poor, pitiful" child happy.  My little Emma has taken to "being sad" when she goes to class.  Funny, she is perfectly happy before and after we take her there.  She has found that by acting sad she can get extra attention and treats.  Maybe that doesn't sound so bad, but it is manipulating, especially when she has been banned from treats for the day for behavior issues.  When she walks out of class with a grin because she "got away with something" then we have an issue.

The following is part of my facebook conversation (with last names removed) from Sunday.  I was frustrated and venting.  I don't always vent in facebook, but sometimes it is where I can get support.  The people who responded are for the most part adoptive or foster parents.

For the record, I am a terrible responder through email but do great on messaging!  (Theresa, I am still waiting for you to get connected on facebook.)

Why would I post this?  This issue is not limited to me.  If you are looking to foster, be aware that there are some people out there that assume that you are doing it for the money (hahahaha) or for some other motive.  There are some people that can't believe that you would do this for the child, that you could love a child who is "not your own".  Of course, they may just be the people who allow their kids to run wild in the restaurants.

Felicia

 Guess what?! My child has been in 7 different homes in less then 3 years. She has an attachment disorder. I am going weekly to Parent Child Interaction Therapy and doing in home therapy daily. When I set rules and boundaries they need to be followed. My child is a great manipulator. She can lie as easily as talk. She is a pro at what she does. Heads up, she will be sitting with us at church from now on so that we can work on attachment.

Like · · 20 hours

Terry   That's so sad so many homes. Are you adopting her?

20 hours ago via Mobile · Like.

Linda  - Felicia in the long run all of this will be worth it , but right now you are probably wondering , will it ! It is so sad that these children have learned so many bad actions at such an early age and it`s so difficult for them to unlearn .I envy you for your patience and I praise you for the willingness to take on the task of helping the child instead of following the other foster parents actions and sending her on ! My thoughts and prayers go out for you and the rest of your family.

20 hours ago · Like · 1.
 

Felicia -  Yes, we are the second adoptive placement. The first one lasted 3 weeks.

20 hours ago · Like.

Felicia -  Linda, my biggest problem right now is others judging us because we are so strict. We are dealing with kids with ODD, anxiety disorders, bipolar, attachment disorders, epilepsy, ADHD, FAS....and those are the ones we know about. We have to be consistent. We have to be in charge. It is not abuse. It is a calling we have undertaken and those that do not deal with these issues every day have no clue. It is easy to judge....not so easy to offer help.

20 hours ago · Like · 4.

Linda -  I understand exactly where you are coming from !No it isn`t abuse ,its putting some consistency in these children's lives where there was none before . All of our children come to us with problems , some are just worse than others . Its really stressful helping them and it takes a toll on all of our family . Its easy to talk when you don`t know what you`re talking about. Yes , this is what we choose to do , but it sure would be nice to have a kind word or a helping hand instead of criticizing !

20 hours ago · Unlike · 2.

Kathy  -  I understand. I've been there!!!!! People saying we just didn't know how to parent, the child was so sweet for them, it must be us. They never know how badly the child was playing them.

19 hours ago · Unlike · 2.

Misty - I know exactly how you feel! I teach Sunday school in a small church...we have toddlers-through 5th grade (that's how small). My kids are 1/2 the class too. I have a RAD/ADHD/FASD/ODD/and 3 other dx's . She knows what buttons to push and it drives me insane. She is very manipulative and it actually looks "sweet". So I look like the over bearing, overly strict, meanest parent on earth type person. It doesn't help when she actually runs to another adult dodging me and says "awww, awww" when I'm next to her or reach for her to move her over. It drives me insane. We just had that this morning. I was ready to walk out and take her home.

17 hours ago · Unlike · 2.

Dianne -  I know the feeling. We are having a tough time with A. He's such a pretty face that no one sees that they aren't helping by the “he's so sweet with me thing”.

16 hours ago via Mobile · Unlike · 3.

Jenette  - AMEN to all of these comments!! I am stunned at how many heartless people are out there!! I have been getting the whole "Why" question about adopting our kids from one neighbor. Along with comments to the effect of I should send them back! And on the flipside, I have had several people think I am way too strict with my kids! So I know exactly what you're saying. The strict comments are usually from my family. But, I just keep thinking about the fact that us foster parents are TRAINED parents!! Not perfect parent, by any means, but we have been specially trained to deal with the type of problems our children have. If only ALL people were required to take parenting classes!! Maybe there wouldn't be so many unruly kids out there!!

12 hours ago · Like.

Linda -  You are so right Jenette , we have had and continue to have, training in how to better deal with our children . And no , it doesn`t make us perfect parents, but it does prepare us( somewhat ) for some of the problems we will be facing .I`ve been a foster parent for 14 years and I`m still learning how to deal with some of these children . As for sending our children back , that’s plain stupidity , would they send a biological child away ? I love my 2 adopted children as much as I love my 2 biological children and the other adoptive parents I know feel the same. When anyone starts bad mouthing foster and adoptive parents it really gets me all riled up !

12 hours ago · Like.

Jenette  - yeah...me too!! I love my kids and couldn't imagine life without them!! They FEEL like they are a part of me. Since I don't have birth children, I don't know if it feels any different. But I can't imagine loving a child any more than I love the ones I have. My only regret is having to keep a shield up when you first get them until it is clear that they will be yours. I would love to be free to love a child the moment he/she is in your arms and know they are yours forever. But that was not God's plan. I had snide comments from a relative (well, my cousin's inlaws. not really my relative) because I corrected Nate for throwing a ball in the living room after I specifically told him NOT to TWICE!! It irritated me, but oh well, my kids are mostly pretty well behaved and that makes me proud! I don't care if people think I'm mean. They can ask my kids what they think of me. My kids LOVE me!! So I can't be too bad!! LOL

12 hours ago · Like · 1.

Felicia - I love facebook, I now know that I am not the only person out there dealing with the "mean parent" issue!

12 hours ago · Like · 2.

Jenette  - Nope!! All of the really good parents are viewed as the "mean parents". LOL!! I don't know some of your other friends, but I believe that you, me and Linda have very similar parenting styles!! But guess what! Our kids are all doing great in spite of their problems!! (or is it "despite"? well, you know what I mean!)

11 hours ago · Unlike · 2.