Anthony

6 1/2 years ago we received Larissa as a foster child. Many kids came into care from the same home and siblings were separated. A month after receiving Larissa we were asked to take her brother. He was having behavior issues in the home and the foster parents wanted him removed.

He was 2 1/2 years old at the time.  (And he loved the camera back then as much as he does now!)

He didn't really know that Larissa was his sister, she had been kept in a back room.

He came with a head full of hair that I cornrowed for 2 years.  He also came with some serious delays and behavior challenges.

He has destroyed furniture, acted out in inappropriate ways for a 2 year old, tantrummed, was delayed in many ways, had no speech (since no one talked to him according to his mom) and tested in the intellectual disability range.  His skin was in terrible shape and he had not been taught how to eat with utensils, sleep in a bed, use a potty....basically he was left to fend for himself.

The first few years were very difficult.  Several times we almost called to have him moved but we just couldn't do it.  It was hard but he did grow.  He did stop tantrumming and other behaviors improved. 

When he was little he feared a lot of things.  He wouldn't go close to the water at the beach.  Bugs scared him. Dogs scared him. 

Over time he learned to love his sister.

He no longer tested as a child with intellectual disabilities.

He still loves to have his picture taken.

He has learned to play in the ocean now instead of fearing it.

Even though Anthony has learned how to live within a family, those years of neglect still impact him today.  His defiance gets him into trouble frequently.  Unfortunately, it also impacts his schooling.  The last month of school he really struggled.  Many days he would come home with his school work to complete and the art work he had done instead attached to his behavior chart.  He does have more green days a week then red.  But, it is infrequent for him to go a week with out a problem at school.  His defiance is what gets him into trouble the most. 

I don't know why I don't write about the school issues.  I think because it just keeps repeating itself every week and I am sure that folks don't want to hear about my weekly frustrations....over and over!

A few weeks ago we had planned on moving him over to one of the bedrooms where all the other kids are.  I started decorating the room in Marvel comics (his choice) then some of his old behaviors resurfaced.  We put in a camera upstairs but I didn't feel that I could appropriately monitor it all night so for now we are not moving him.  It seems like just when you think that you have a behavior under control it rears it's ugly head again. 

Thankfully he is not defiant with me.  If he is with me he does great.  He also does great with his dad.  I just wish that we could transfer that to his school, church and the teens when they babysit.  Just recently the church told us that he had gotten so bad with not listening to them that they don't even tell him to do anything anymore.  He got to sit with us in church for that.  I can't have him with me at all times.  I think that defiance is my biggest area of frustration. 

John has started taking him to some of his activities.  Anthony is in charge of trash duties and gets to go to the dump with his dad.  He also got some hearing protection of his own and goes to the shooting range.  Today the two men went to the VA and then to a gun show.  Anthony came home  with a new Army hat.  (John doesn't do pictures so I never get pictures of the men's activities!)  Anthony loves doing stuff with his dad.

Anthony does get tired of being the only boy in the house.  He has asked for a brother.  I can understand his position, he is surrounded by dolls and Barbies.  However, our hands are just a little full right now with the ones we have. 

I do get frustrated with the behaviors that just won't stop.  It has been more then 6 years since he came into our home.  However, visitations lasted for 3 years and those really hampered him and his behaviors. 

When I look back to the beginning I can see how much he has improved.  He has come so far and overcome a lot.  That little wild child is gone.  He no longer destroys things, instead he prefers to build and create things.  He does have compassion and empathy.  He has the potential to reach his dreams and the love and support of a family to help him get there. 



"in the spectrum"

Today we went to therapy.  Today our therapist mentioned that she thinks that Dimples could be in the spectrum.  I wasn't expecting that.  I have been looking at attachment issues. 


from WebMD......

What Are the Symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome?

The symptoms of Asperger's syndrome vary and can range from mild to severe. Common symptoms include:

• Problems with social skills: Children with Asperger's syndrome generally have difficulty interacting with others and often are awkward in social situations. They generally do not make friends easily. They have difficulty initiating and maintaining conversation.
• Eccentric or repetitive behaviors: Children with this condition may develop odd, repetitive movements, such as hand wringing or finger twisting.
• Unusual preoccupations or rituals: A child with Asperger's syndrome may develop rituals that he or she refuses to alter, such as getting dressed in a specific order.
• Communication difficulties: People with Asperger's syndrome may not make eye contact when speaking with someone. They may have trouble using facial expressions and gestures, and understanding body language. They also tend to have problems understanding language in context.
• Limited range of interests: A child with Asperger's syndrome may develop an intense, almost obsessive, interest in a few areas, such as sports schedules, weather, or maps.
• Coordination problems: The movements of children with Asperger's syndrome may seem clumsy or awkward.
• Skilled or talented: Many children with Asperger's syndrome are exceptionally talented or skilled in a particular area, such as music or math.

Did you know that Asperger's is more likely to be diagnosed after a child enters school?

While I don't think that April has all of these symptoms, she does have some.  I have taken a class in autism.  I know a lot about autism, not so much about Asperger's. 

I just don't know.  We are going to try and get more evaluations but from what the therapist tells me it may be hard to diagnose until she starts school.

Our issues have been:  tantrums, baby/hard to understand speech sometimes, bruises/clumsy, academically on target but emotionally much younger, not quite understanding what is happening at times, constant lies but seem to be her truth at times, typically doesn't look at you when talking to you, high anxiety, artificial emotions, lack of empathy.

At this moment I just don't know what to think.  This has rocked my foundation.

RAD

Do you know what RAD means?  Reactive attachment disorder is a relatively new term.  I saw that term in reference to our child for the first time in an email.  She has been diagnosed with RAD.  I knew it, I live with it but seeing it in writing was hard.  On our "not willing to consider" list was severe attachment issues.  We knew that all kids in foster care have some level of attachment issues.  We suspected that Dimples was further along on the spectrum simply based on the number of placements.  However, seeing it in print was hard.

When I look at the following checklist I see many severe issues with our child.  Ahhh, quite a few in fact.

Neglect is a terrible thing.  It actually causes brain damage.  Yet many people don't think that neglect is too bad, that at least they aren't being beat.  Maybe the child isn't being beat, but the brain isn't growing either.  This causes lifelong problems for the child. 

The following is a little information about therapy for a child with RAD from RadKid.Org:

Normal parenting doesn’t work with RAD kids. Neither does traditional therapy, since these therapies are dependent upon the child’s ability to form relationships that require trust, something that is at the root of the problem. Sticker charts and behavioral programs don’t work because the RAD child doesn’t care what you think about his behavior. Natural consequences work better than lectures or charts. Structure is a necessity, but only when combined with nurturing.

While these kids can be healed, they have to want it, and the prognosis is not good. Without healing, these kids grow up unable to form healthy relationships with other human beings. Too often, these kids develop into sociopaths devoid of conscience or concern for anyone other themselves.


We haven't adopted Dimples yet.  We could say that we are not willing to deal with the long term therapy that she will need.  Our therapist has told us that she will need years of therapy.  We could tell them that we aren't prepared to deal with severe attachment issues. 

The other day I was almost at that point.  I had to talk myself down.  Dimples has learned to tantrum while I am away.  Even a short trip to the grocery store can lead to a tantrum.  The other day I ran to the store for a few groceries and received a call that she was tantrumming.  I cut my trip short and raced home.  I could hear her screaming from outside. 

Dimples was doing her top of the lungs screaming.  Her sister Michelle told her to stop ruining her life.  She knows what the impact of these tantrums have been before.  She tells me that she has to move all the time because of her sister.  That fear is always there for her.

Foster business....these girls are basic rate kids.  What does that mean?  They are basic care kids with basic problems, in SC that equals about $332/month.  While I agree with that for Michelle I do not believe that for Dimples.  We are still foster parents so we still have a lot of ability to receive services.  After adoption finding extra services becomes more difficult.  If you adopt a child at the basic care rate then the assumption is that you don't need a lot of extra services.  I called the girls social worker and told her that they need to increase Dimples level of care.  It isn't about the money but about the ability to receive care in the future.  It was her emails that were copied to me that mentioned the RAD diagnosis. 

What accommodations have we had to make for her?  I now own a monitoring camera and door alarms (we never lock the doors). We do not allow the girls to play upstairs.  After realizing that Dimples was encouraging the puppy to scratch at her we limit her contact with the puppy.  After so many unexplained bruises we limit her time outside (She is a wreck....bad haircut with scratches and bruises.)  Whenever possible, John and I try to limit our time out of the home together to after bedtime.  John is off the rest of this week and has taken off the week that I am going on my mission trip because she is a challenge for the teens.  I have lost a friend.  Our social circle has shrunk.

Why make those sacrifices? Our lives would be so much simpler if we didn't. I guess I don't go for simple, I go for fulfilling. How can you measure the life of a child against your own comforts?
I surely can't.

Since I have already gone there........

Dimples

OK, couldn't help myself!

Introducing Dimples.

What do you think?  I trimmed the rest of the bangs to match and she looks like she has a terrible mullet.  Should I give her a short hair cut or wait for the bangs to grow out?

Life

Apparently I make funny faces when I put hair pieces in Larissa's hair!

Go ahead...laugh.

Recitals are done.  Three recitals is a bit much but Larissa enjoyed it.  She loves recitals!



In other child news.......



See these child safety scissors?



They cut hair really well!  Actually better then what I can get with my other scissors.

Right now the bangs are REALLY short.  Not sure if I should make the rest of her hair short as well or just live with it looking like she has a mullet for a while.

Opinions?

Recital Time

Jason and Tasha made it back in time for Larissa's recital.

The recital is in a smaller auditorium this year so there are three recitals.  Larissa just happens to be in all three.  Last night she was in the 6 and 8 pm recitals and tonight there is one at 8pm.



There was over an hour between recitals so we headed to McDonalds for ice cream.



Joselin helped Larissa in the dressing room.



Two down and one to go. 

She is doing one dance twice so I will take her tonight

without our gaggle of kids.