My Mom

My mom had been declining. She required complete care, even unable to feed herself anymore.  We were starting to think that she wouldn’t make it through the summer. However, many times she had bounced back so we just didn’t know. Her doctor told me that if she seemed to be in pain to call her and she’d put her on hospice so she could get pain medication. We never got to that point.

Charlotte and I were discussing her decline and she went to give her a bath. After that she was sitting with her when she said she heard her gasp and then spit up some. She thought she wasn’t breathing well so she called me in. Charlotte has been with my mom for 6 years and is attached to everyone in the family. I went in and she was crying saying she couldn’t do this anymore, call an ambulance. She got upset when I wouldn’t. I reminded her that my mom didn’t want that. I checked her and she didn’t appear to be breathing. I couldn’t find a pulse. I texted her doctor and she said to call 911 and have them send a coroner, emphasize that she is dnr. Have them call her if they have questions or concerns.

Tasha was out car shopping so her babies were at the house. They were a few minutes out so I wanted to wait until Tasha picked up Vaida. Jason had stopped by so he was here. Kassi came over and Joselin and Sarah were here. All the kids were here and able to say their goodbyes. Tasha confirmed with me that she couldn’t get a pulse or respiration and we agreed to wait until she left to call. Hardest part was telling Benjamin and Larissa, they were closest to her and they knew something was up with all the upset and crying adults.

My mom passed peacefully in her own bed. It was what she wanted. The kids were able to go in and see that she went in her sleep peacefully. She just looked like she was sleeping. We had told the kids that she was declining but nothing prepares you for the actual moment.  Benjamin has been asking the most questions and is having the hardest time processing it.

I am giving the following information because I didn’t know what would happen. I called 911. The fire department came and I told them she was dnr.  They couldn’t find a pulse and said that emt would have to come and hook her up to check for any activity. They came and ran a strip and determined that she had passed away. They called the coroner. A police officer came and asked questions. When the coroner showed up the fire and emt left. The coroner called it and asked what funeral home we wanted. He contacted the funeral home and they came and picked her up. They invited anyone in who wanted to say their good byes and several of the children went in. Today I went to the funeral home to make arrangements. We are going to have her cremated and at some point we will make a road trip to Bryan to spread her ashes with her parents. I honestly don’t know when that will be.

It is hard to explain the feelings. I cried but am relieved for her. I am happy for her that she is in a better place. I am sad that she stopped taking her high blood pressure medication depriving our family of the opportunity to have better relationships. I have been her caregiver for 11 years. It is what I do, what I know. Every night before I go to bed I change her and give her a snack. I went to the grocery store today and was thinking what soft foods to buy her today before I realized that she wasn’t here. I walk past her room and see her bed and think I need to check on her. We haven’t had a good mother/daughter conversation in a long time. Dementia stole that. But her face would light up for the children. They made her days. Now my caregiving role has ended and it feels..... strange. Like I should still be doing it.

Another loss has been Charlotte. She has been to our house every weekday for the last 6 years. We missed her today. Benjamin asked when she was coming. I missed our conversations. I know that this has hit her hard as well. She woke up this morning and didn’t have to come to our house. That is a huge empty space for her.

How do you grieve? I want the bed gone. I don’t want to walk past the room and see it because my impulse is to check on my mom when I see it. Our plan has always to make that room my office but I feel guilty? Do I let it sit for a while? I was going through her stuff and realized how little of her was left in the room. Today little man kept going in and patting on the bed. Hard to explain to a 2 year old. Benjamin cried a lot yesterday, today he is full of questions.

Today they wrote her obituary. A lifetime reduced to a paragraph. I have pictures and memories left. I have pictures of Benjamin playing with her wheelchair. Sarah was talking about how grandma made lots of cookies whenever we visited her. Everyone has little bits of memories of grandma. Made me think that sometimes I need to put my electronics down and make memories with my children. What little things will they remember?

Love you mom, miss you