Attachment part 2

We received Lewisa Carlosa at the age of 4 months as a foster child. We were told that she would definitely be going home because the parents only had to get jobs and housing. Short term.....definitely short term.
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Her head cocked to the side and her right arm was always straight down with her hand in a fist. Later it was assumed that this was due to a stroke at some point before coming to our home.
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I remember the first time I picked her up and she had no neck control at all. I thought it was strange considering her age. She also had a sucking problem and would only drink an ounce or two at a time. More importantly she would arch her back when you tried to hold her and would look away from you when you gave her a bottle.

There was actually a period when I suspected that she had autism. She would not look up when anyone entered the room, even when they called her name. We had her hearing checked. She had early interventions come into the house twice a week, OT and PT.

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At some point the attachment issue came to the forefront and I told all the kids to hold her, often. I didn't go for just the mom attachment, I went for the entire family. Most of the time she even slept on someone.

You know, a funny thing happens when working hard on attachment....it goes both ways. All the kids have a great attachment with Larissa.

You can see their love for her when they look at her. She is every ones baby.....and oh so spoiled for it.

Trying to build attachment is hard work. It does not come overnight. It is especially hard with foster children. You can assume that at any point they will be returned to their family where they didn't form the attachments in the first place. It can be heart breaking to have them leave.

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Larissa's attachment issues were compounded by a genetic predisposition to an anxiety disorder. Three years of visitation did not help the situation at all. Her mom did get a job but never did get housing in all that time, but she did come to visitation every other week.

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I still remember the days when I would take her up there and they had to peel her screaming off of me. I tried to make it easier for her by sitting in the waiting room with the biomom before visits hoping that she would transfer easier. It wasn't always successful.

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Larissa never did learn to wave bye bye or hello. She never said a single word in front of her bioparents...not one utterance. At home she was talking on schedule and happy. Out of the home she was full of anxiety. While still our foster child she was diagnosed with selective mutism. I often wonder if her anxiety would have gotten that bad if visitations would have ended after 15 months (how long the bioparents are supposed to have to work their plan). I do not believe that it is in the best interest of the children to have these cases drag out for years. It is too damaging, foster children need stabilization.

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After more then two years the biomother was offered housing. We were terrified, we thought for sure that the kids would go home. However, for reasons unknown to us she turned the housing down. It was at that point that we finally began to hope that Lewisa would become our daughter. About 8 months later the courts finally got TPR on the bioparents.

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Our little Lewisa Carlosa became our Larissa Ann. She is firmly attached to us. However, she still struggles with her anxiety issues. It improves slowly as time passes. We have hope that eventually she will just be a happy child with a little shyness.

Can you do it? Can you help a child to learn to love and attach and then let them go? It makes a huge difference in the child's life.
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I know that with our current foster children the baby has learned attachment but not Kiwi. I don't think that we have time with her, her attachment issues are too severe. We believe that they will go home next Friday.
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Anthony is next, he is middle of the road.

Attachment part 1

After two days of feeling nauseated I am finally just back to having a cold. I sure wish I could shake whatever has a hold of me. I have finished my finals and have so much to do but instead took a nap with the babies today. Oh well, projects can wait.
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I have been thinking about this blog and sometimes wonder how much stuff to put on here. Sometimes I wonder if readers just want to read the positive stuff and so everything must be peachy. I read blogs about adoption and it is all so positive and happy. I always wonder if it is the truth and if so what am I doing wrong!?
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I will tell you that beyond my sister in law Cindy who I love, I have no local girlfriends. None.
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I know that a lot of it is my fault. I don't have time. Also, I have learned that people don't really understand my life. It is too foreign to them. I'd really like to have lunch with Kathy down in Florida! I feel that I could talk about some of my craziness with her and she would know exactly where I am coming from. She probably wouldn't look at me like I had eight heads or something.
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Attachment....I hadn't really thought about it until I had to deal with it. I never realized how important it was. How much damage it can cause when it doesn't happen. Now I live with it daily. Joselin was my first experience with it so when we received Anthony and Larissa I knew what we were dealing with. Larissa actually had more attachment issues then Anthony and even arched her back when we tried to hold her. Imagine having a four month old infant not wanting to be held to the point where they are arching their back and looking away from you. She wouldn't face us when we gave her a bottle.......4 MONTHS old. That is how quickly it can happen.
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When we decided to adopt Joselin we simply wanted another daughter. Well, we did get one! I expected some attachment issues. But, she didn't present with what I consider the typical attachment problems. I can look now and see that those times when I felt that possibly we were forming an attachment where actually times that she was being successful at doing her own thing behind my back and I didn't know it. As long as she could sneak out in the middle of the night, steal from us, sneak the phone and internet in the middle of the night, meet with her boys and I didn't know it, she was pleasant to be around. She was delightful and pleasant. As soon as she was caught and restrictions were put on she retreated and probably showed me her true self at those times.
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She was always wearing her earphones to keep us out. On family vacations she was always miserable. I couldn't understand it. California, white water rafting, fairs, circus, Grand Canyon, DisneyWorld, Mexico, the beach, DC, Texas.....all family vacations and activities where I have pictures of her being miserable. I finally understand the problem, she wasn't in control. She was forced to be with us and had no control. She couldn't sneak out at night, couldn't sneak on the phone in the middle of the night, sneak on the internet, look for something to steal. She was at our mercy and she didn't like it. I don't know why but the answer has just recently come to me. Her great mystery is solved!
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But, you know that with kids there aren't any guarantees. It doesn't matter whether the children are your biological or adopted. I never planned on having a child with neurofibromatosis or another one with addiction problems. But I did and love them all. All my kids are definitely unique individuals and I have different types of relationships with each of them. I will reiterate that I love them all. I had someone ask me what would happen if she read this blog one day. Well, she knows what I haven't told, she knows the truth. Hopefully, she will read this and know that I love her because I do.
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I am sorry that Joselin is not able to attach, but I also realize that it is not because of our lack of trying. I don't regret adopting her, it didn't prevent me from adopting again and I am staring at a half completed pack of paperwork as we try for another. I also realize that although she has her issues, she really is not a bad person. She is operating on what has allowed her to survive in the past. Although she doesn't need those skills in our home, her mind can't accept that. I think that had been something that she hasn't moved from, her old survival skills. They were just too deeply embedded. I think that is what is also some of Anthony's problems with his defiance. For example, with Sarah on a certain level I don't think that he really believes that she can keep him safe so he hasn't relinquished control to her. John and I can so he doesn't give us the same problems.
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Why am I writing all this now? Joselin has found a new mom. She left Kim's house and moved in with a woman who thought that she needed to rescue poor Joselin from us terrible abusive women. See, Kim knows Joselin and was a foster teenager herself. She knows Joselin all too well and so Joselin found someone who doesn't know her. This woman is taking her shopping, out to eat and everything. Well, she was until she tried to take over control of her schooling. Kim went and forced her back home (uh, had to get police to do so). I have asked this woman to back off but she won't. She doesn't understand. I have tried talking to her but she won't listen. It is frustrating. She has no clue what attachment issues are like. I guess she will find out in time because she has invited Joselin to live with her when she turns 18 in 7 months. It saddens me but it is all beyond my control.
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When our children become adults, they can make some terrible decisions and we parents have no control. I guess I don't like it any more then Joselin does.....losing control. But, I do still have control over myself. I can feel the pain of that loss and learn to accept it.
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So, that is the edited story of one of my children with attachment issues. Tomorrow I will tell of Larissa's story.