Hard Decisions

We had a hard IEP meeting for Anthony.  My husband and I had already discussed his placement for next year (first year of middle school) and both felt that he wouldn't be able to cope in a regular classroom.  However, I went into the meeting open to suggestions from his classroom and resource teachers.

Several years ago when we had him evaluated we were told that there would come a day when he would not be able to keep up and would fall further and further behind. He had been diagnosed with a brain injury and TBI went onto his school records.  We were told that he will continue to grow but that his rate of growth would not keep up with his peers rate of growth, the difference would get wider and wider.  We are seeing that at home and at school.

At the IEP meeting both his regular and resource teachers felt that he needed to be in a self-contained classroom setting.  The school psychologist wanted to move him now.  We did not agree to moving him now, his teacher doesn't feel that he needs to be moved now either.  However, we did make further modifications to his IEP so that he can finish the year out with less struggles.

I worry, eventually his development line will stop growing.  I worry for his future because he has other issues which impact his abilities.  Anger is one of them, lack of motivation is the other.  If he gets frustrated he gets angry or he just shuts down.  If something is a challenge he shuts down.  He does not push himself.

At home we have really come to realize that he struggles with daily functions.  He will be 12 this summer but still can not follow multi-step directions.  We are searching for ideas in the home so that he can function better and have less frustrations.....which lead to anger.

I talked to the school counselor about his anger and I asked her for suggestions for a therapist.  She told me that I would be better able to work with him and she sent home this workbook for us to do over the summer.

Anyone do this book?

It looks interesting, Area 1 Understanding Anger, Area 2 Safe Ways to Release Anger, Area 3 Cognitive Restructuring, Area 4 Relaxation and Area 5 Conflict Management.  I actually plan on working on it with all the kids.  Michelle has anger issues as well so it will help her too.  Emma and Larissa not so much but I think that the conflict management couldn't hurt. I have come to realize that Anthony doesn't always understand his feelings so starting with understanding anger will be good for him.

We have talked to him about his placement for next year.  He hasn't said too much about it.  I to believe that he was relieved.  This year has been a struggle for him and his behavior over the year has gotten worse and worse as the struggles got harder and harder.

Making these decisions for my kids is really hard.  However, I really feel that we are making this decision for his best interest.  It sucks and to think that they believe that his TBI came from someone shaking him as a baby, ugh.  He will forever be impacted by someones lack of control.

Busy/typical Day

Today was a busy day.

Our living areas are baby proofed. Little Man is allowed to get into the cabinets and take out pots and pans. He has access to the pantry where he has a box of cups he likes to match up.

Sometimes I forget that he can climb onto the table and today I left some Teddy Grahams there.  He poured them out and then worked hard at picking them up.

Little Man has access to the diapers and wipes.  He will bring you a diaper when he needs a change, today he decided to cover the floor with them.

Wipes, he likes to clean surfaces with them, sometimes he is very enthusiastic.

Little Man is a very busy boy.  He leaves pots, pans, cups, diapers, wipes, food and anything else he can get into scattered everywhere. He is learning how to pick up but most of it falls on me.  I let him get into these things.  He plays very well and explores his world all day until he finally goes to sleep around 8 pm.

Typically he takes one nap during the day.  That is when I recharge my batteries.  I should get something accomplished during that time but that doesn't happen every day. Many days that is when I take a shower.  Today I decided to paint so I didn't get a shower today.

Most of my "me" time happens in the evening.  Typically I don't get to bed before midnight, typically I post late as well so when you catch grammatical errors that is why!

Curious, when do other moms find "me" time?

When Stressed.....I Paint

I have started painting Larissa's bedroom.  We haven't stripped all the walls yet but we did get half so I am painting half.  I needed the stress relief.

What do you do for stress relief?

The Pain of Fostering

Quite frequently I have people tell me that they couldn't do foster care because they couldn't love the kids and then let them go.  I think that they aren't implying that I am heartless so therefore it doesn't bother me to let them go but it feels that way. Honestly, some kids I am ready to let go.  Some kids are just hard.  However, we have had kids who were hard to let go.  Some kids you just love so much and you know that their home situation hasn't really improved that much.  The two that I worry about the most are the baby we got from the burn clinic with an iron imprint on his face (at 6 weeks old) and the little one who came into care the baby of the family and went home to a newer baby (her mom later signed her back into care).  I still communicate with some of our former foster children parents, I celebrate their growth and see that the kids are doing well.

Then there are the kids who come and stay.  Who become our children. We didn't know that they would one day become our children.  That process is slow.  That process takes years.  There comes a moment when you realize that it is a possibility. You try to keep your hope in check because you know that until you are in court for the adoption anything could happen.

If you have been fostering long enough you have seen the horror stories.  The relative that steps forward after years and the judge that decides to send the child to them even though the child doesn't know them.  The parent who does the minimum to keep that case going for years, will they actually ever get it together?  You think not but there is always that possibility.  Some small legal issue that puts the case back.  A father that suddenly comes forward, where was he all this time?  A social worker who decides that siblings need to be together and decides to move the child after a long time in your home (why didn't they do it sooner?), a social worker with an agenda that you aren't aware of and moves the child.

I do think that if there is an appropriate family member then the kids should go with them.  However, I also think that they should come forward sooner rather than later.  I have had family members tell me that they didn't want to come forward because they wanted the parent to have the chance to make the changes needed.  They feel that they won't do anything if the kids are with a family member.  I can understand that to a certain degree.  If that is the case then they should come forward and tell everyone that. Request visits with the child(ren).  At some point determine that the case isn't moving forward and request placement.  Stepping in at the last moment may give you placement and then again it may not.  That is determined by the judge.

We had some excitement on our case this week.  The pretrial hearing was this week.  This is the hearing leading up to the TPR hearing.  They meet and determine if everything is done for the TPR hearing, have publishing's been done, who needs to be at the hearing and such.  The parents also have the opportunity to request a lawyer at this hearing.

We were told by Little Man's family that his mom was in town and was going to court to fight for him.  Apparently she had taken a prescriptive drug when pregnant and now there is a lawsuit because it can cause heart defects in babies.  She wants to be a party of the action and sue because of his heart issues.  She has to have the baby to do that.

Yes, this sent me into a panic.  Although she hasn't seen him in 10 months, some judges in our county would give her a second chance if she suddenly came forward and said all the right things. Her family was concerned enough that his aunt said she would testify that his mom just wanted the money from the lawsuit.  They do not want him to go with her.

I worried all day.  I didn't know what time the hearing was because foster parents don't typically go to these.  I couldn't reach his social worker so I assumed that she was at court.  I finally heard from the GAL at 5:30.  The mom didn't show up.  I don't know why, she came from out of town to go.  I know that the family told her that they wouldn't support her.  I don't know if that was why she changed her mind or not. I just know that she didn't show and the TPR trial is in June.

That feeling of panic is felt by many foster parents.  There is a certain heart sinking feeling you get when you are reminded that until you are standing in court giving your foster child your last name, they aren't yours.  Little Man has our hearts, I pray for the day he has our name.

Loving on Larissa....

One day I hope to post real pictures!

Peeling Walls Again

A while back I tried to paint Larissa's bedroom.  We hit a problem with the paint, when it got wet from the new paint it peeled off.  We peeled a wall and started on some others and then we lost interest and I went to a new project.

Larissa has now decided how she wants her room painted so the walls need to be stripped.

It is slow going because a little one prevents me from spending much time up in her room.

The kids have been helping.  I think that they enjoy spraying the water bottle.

I still don't understand the peeling paint.  I painted that paint and the paint underneath.  Both interior latex paint.  Strange.

Hopefully it will get done soon and I can start painting.  Any guesses what she wants?

Foster Parent

Want to become a foster parent?  My previous post was about social workers.  I will say that most of the social workers that I have met are great.  However, not everyone is made out to be a social worker. The same applies to foster parents, there are some great ones and some not so great. Unfortunately it is those not so great ones that everyone notices.

The job of a foster parent is not an easy one.  Kids are brought to your door at any hour with nothing and you are expected to know what to do with this child staring back at you.  What do you say? What do you do with them?

I have had some kids that walked into my house and made themselves right at home.  I have had some kids walk in crying (actually very few).  I have also had some walk in and wait quietly for my lead.  Generally I quickly introduce them to everyone, show them their room and ask them if they are hungry.  Most of the time they say yes.

First meal is not some fancy homemade meal.  Actually it isn't homemade at all.  We normally order pizza.  It is a hit.  Although you may be the greatest cook in your county, to your new kids it will be unfamiliar food.  It is quite possible that most of their meals are fast food or out of a can.  You can ask them what they like to eat over a meal of pizza.  I find that they are normally very honest with that question.

On the occasion when you do get bags with the kids, go through it.  We had a foster parent in our county who had a baby for a month before she actually emptied the diaper bag.  Imagine her surprise when she found drug paraphernalia in there.  Yes, the diaper bag had been all over the place, even went to church.  Check the bags.  This also gives you an opportunity to see what the kids are going to need.  They will need something.

We stock up on basics when they go on sale.  We always have extra toothbrushes, toothpaste, clothing and even school supplies.  I organize clothing in my garage in tubs by sizes.  One of our earliest foster kids came at the end of winter.  It was still cold enough to require a coat but I couldn't find any to buy. They didn't come with coats so I had to layer lighter jackets.  The next year I stocked up on clearance coats for all sizes and sexes.  Every state is different but in our county we get $100 clothing allowance to get what the kids need.  When you look at the cost of shoes, socks, underwear, and other clothing items you can quickly go over $100.  By having a stash I am able to concentrate on important items.  Most of the time the biggest expense is shoes. I buy nice shoes, often they have never had nice shoes and it is amazing how much they love them.

So you get the kids settled in and the journey begins.  This could be short term or years.  They could tell you it is short term but that doesn't always mean anything.  The thing to remember at this stage is that your job is to foster the children.  Do not start talking about how much you want to adopt the child at this stage.  Do not try to sabotage the parents.  At this point you should be working with the parents, reunification is the plan.  You should develop a relationship with the parents.  I still have relationships with some of my foster children who went home and their parents.

If you are doing foster parent because of a burning desire to adopt be aware that adoption may not happen for years.  You may have many kids in your home before a case goes to adoption.  Or your first case may.  Be prepared to support reunification because that is what foster care is.  Be prepared to be heartbroken, because all foster parents are at one time or another.

There will come a time when either the parents are working their plan and reunification seems imminent or it is apparent that they are not.  If reunification is not looking apparent, at some point a social worker will ask you if you will adopt if it goes to adoption. This is the time to speak up. You do not have to adopt, you can say no and they will look for an adoptive placement.  Never adopt because you feel that you are required to. We have adopted children from foster care but we have let some be moved as well.  I remember one little girl who was going to be available for adoption and we said no.  She was only three years old.  It was hard but we had just adopted Larissa and Anthony and it didn't feel like the time was right.  She did get adopted and I think about her at times.

Foster parenting can be a challenge but it can also be a joy.  Some kids will steal your heart and others you will be glad to see them go home.  You never know what to expect and should be prepared for anything.  It is always good to have some support from your local foster parents or others who have fostered.  Others really won't understand all that you are dealing with.

I could write so much about my experiences but I would bore everyone.  Anyone with specific questions?  Any recommendations from other foster parents? I'd love to hear stories of other foster parents.

Social Workers

I stopped off at DSS this week to drop off some paperwork.  I sat and talked with Little Man's social worker.  We talked a few minutes about Little Man's case (not much to say since not much is going on). Then she closed the door and we proceed to talk.

I mentioned a while back that locally we had a foster parent who was planning on adopting her foster child only to be shocked when she went to court to find that someone else had brought their own lawyer with the intent of adopting their child. The baby had been with the foster family since birth. This social worker was the one who had to go to that home and take the child away from the only home that he had known.  She was powerless to do anything.  She felt it was so wrong.  The DSS lawyer did a very unethical thing and it was one of her friends who adopted the baby.

This social worker is still dealing with the pain of removing that baby.  She is frustrated that she was powerless to do anything.  As she sat there talking I wondered if they ever have therapists come in and talk with the social workers.  We see so much pain as foster parents but as a social worker they see so much more.

I am not going to talk about whether social workers are good or bad.  Social workers are human. They make judgments every day, some better than others.  They make these judgments based on their own life history and experiences.  Every day they are lied to by numerous parties.  I would imagine that they would get cynical after years of working in the field.

I have seen their pain.  A few years ago DSS, GAL and foster parent asked that a specific child not go home.  The judge sent him home.  He was dead within a few months.  Terrible.  Ask any social worker involved in that case and they talk abut how powerless they were to prevent that child's death. The judge made a judgment call and the child paid the price.  I am not sure why he went against DSS and the GAL recommendations.  I wonder if he will do that again.  When the social workers talk about that case, you hear their pain.

When we had Emma and Michelle placed with us they came from a disrupted adoptive placement. The previous adoptive home had never fostered, they were not prepared.  They looked good on paper but had no clue what they were getting themselves into.  The kids paid the price for that, another move.  The social worker who placed them in that home also placed them in our home.  She gave us every bit of information about the girls.  She wanted to make sure that they did not move again.  One day she talked to me, she told me of her regret about placing the girls in the other home.  She said that she couldn't see placing kids in a home without foster or adoption experience.  When she talked with me she was coming from a painful place.

I have developed relationships with a lot of social workers over the years.  I have been the listening ear to many frustrations and painful experiences. Every day they see pain and loss.  I can't say if social workers are good or bad, I can tell you that they are hurting too.  Before you judge, stop and think, what has my social worker been dealing with this week.  Am I helping or hurting her efforts?

Next, the foster parent responsibilities.