Want to become a foster parent? My previous post was about social workers. I will say that most of the social workers that I have met are great. However, not everyone is made out to be a social worker. The same applies to foster parents, there are some great ones and some not so great. Unfortunately it is those not so great ones that everyone notices.
The job of a foster parent is not an easy one. Kids are brought to your door at any hour with nothing and you are expected to know what to do with this child staring back at you. What do you say? What do you do with them?
I have had some kids that walked into my house and made themselves right at home. I have had some kids walk in crying (actually very few). I have also had some walk in and wait quietly for my lead. Generally I quickly introduce them to everyone, show them their room and ask them if they are hungry. Most of the time they say yes.
First meal is not some fancy homemade meal. Actually it isn't homemade at all. We normally order pizza. It is a hit. Although you may be the greatest cook in your county, to your new kids it will be unfamiliar food. It is quite possible that most of their meals are fast food or out of a can. You can ask them what they like to eat over a meal of pizza. I find that they are normally very honest with that question.
On the occasion when you do get bags with the kids, go through it. We had a foster parent in our county who had a baby for a month before she actually emptied the diaper bag. Imagine her surprise when she found drug paraphernalia in there. Yes, the diaper bag had been all over the place, even went to church. Check the bags. This also gives you an opportunity to see what the kids are going to need. They will need something.
We stock up on basics when they go on sale. We always have extra toothbrushes, toothpaste, clothing and even school supplies. I organize clothing in my garage in tubs by sizes. One of our earliest foster kids came at the end of winter. It was still cold enough to require a coat but I couldn't find any to buy. They didn't come with coats so I had to layer lighter jackets. The next year I stocked up on clearance coats for all sizes and sexes. Every state is different but in our county we get $100 clothing allowance to get what the kids need. When you look at the cost of shoes, socks, underwear, and other clothing items you can quickly go over $100. By having a stash I am able to concentrate on important items. Most of the time the biggest expense is shoes. I buy nice shoes, often they have never had nice shoes and it is amazing how much they love them.
So you get the kids settled in and the journey begins. This could be short term or years. They could tell you it is short term but that doesn't always mean anything. The thing to remember at this stage is that your job is to foster the children. Do not start talking about how much you want to adopt the child at this stage. Do not try to sabotage the parents. At this point you should be working with the parents, reunification is the plan. You should develop a relationship with the parents. I still have relationships with some of my foster children who went home and their parents.
If you are doing foster parent because of a burning desire to adopt be aware that adoption may not happen for years. You may have many kids in your home before a case goes to adoption. Or your first case may. Be prepared to support reunification because that is what foster care is. Be prepared to be heartbroken, because all foster parents are at one time or another.
There will come a time when either the parents are working their plan and reunification seems imminent or it is apparent that they are not. If reunification is not looking apparent, at some point a social worker will ask you if you will adopt if it goes to adoption. This is the time to speak up. You do not have to adopt, you can say no and they will look for an adoptive placement. Never adopt because you feel that you are required to. We have adopted children from foster care but we have let some be moved as well. I remember one little girl who was going to be available for adoption and we said no. She was only three years old. It was hard but we had just adopted Larissa and Anthony and it didn't feel like the time was right. She did get adopted and I think about her at times.
Foster parenting can be a challenge but it can also be a joy. Some kids will steal your heart and others you will be glad to see them go home. You never know what to expect and should be prepared for anything. It is always good to have some support from your local foster parents or others who have fostered. Others really won't understand all that you are dealing with.
I could write so much about my experiences but I would bore everyone. Anyone with specific questions? Any recommendations from other foster parents? I'd love to hear stories of other foster parents.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Social Workers
I stopped off at DSS this week to drop off some paperwork. I sat and talked with Little Man's social worker. We talked a few minutes about Little Man's case (not much to say since not much is going on). Then she closed the door and we proceed to talk.
I mentioned a while back that locally we had a foster parent who was planning on adopting her foster child only to be shocked when she went to court to find that someone else had brought their own lawyer with the intent of adopting their child. The baby had been with the foster family since birth. This social worker was the one who had to go to that home and take the child away from the only home that he had known. She was powerless to do anything. She felt it was so wrong. The DSS lawyer did a very unethical thing and it was one of her friends who adopted the baby.
This social worker is still dealing with the pain of removing that baby. She is frustrated that she was powerless to do anything. As she sat there talking I wondered if they ever have therapists come in and talk with the social workers. We see so much pain as foster parents but as a social worker they see so much more.
I am not going to talk about whether social workers are good or bad. Social workers are human. They make judgments every day, some better than others. They make these judgments based on their own life history and experiences. Every day they are lied to by numerous parties. I would imagine that they would get cynical after years of working in the field.
I have seen their pain. A few years ago DSS, GAL and foster parent asked that a specific child not go home. The judge sent him home. He was dead within a few months. Terrible. Ask any social worker involved in that case and they talk abut how powerless they were to prevent that child's death. The judge made a judgment call and the child paid the price. I am not sure why he went against DSS and the GAL recommendations. I wonder if he will do that again. When the social workers talk about that case, you hear their pain.
When we had Emma and Michelle placed with us they came from a disrupted adoptive placement. The previous adoptive home had never fostered, they were not prepared. They looked good on paper but had no clue what they were getting themselves into. The kids paid the price for that, another move. The social worker who placed them in that home also placed them in our home. She gave us every bit of information about the girls. She wanted to make sure that they did not move again. One day she talked to me, she told me of her regret about placing the girls in the other home. She said that she couldn't see placing kids in a home without foster or adoption experience. When she talked with me she was coming from a painful place.
I have developed relationships with a lot of social workers over the years. I have been the listening ear to many frustrations and painful experiences. Every day they see pain and loss. I can't say if social workers are good or bad, I can tell you that they are hurting too. Before you judge, stop and think, what has my social worker been dealing with this week. Am I helping or hurting her efforts?
Next, the foster parent responsibilities.
I mentioned a while back that locally we had a foster parent who was planning on adopting her foster child only to be shocked when she went to court to find that someone else had brought their own lawyer with the intent of adopting their child. The baby had been with the foster family since birth. This social worker was the one who had to go to that home and take the child away from the only home that he had known. She was powerless to do anything. She felt it was so wrong. The DSS lawyer did a very unethical thing and it was one of her friends who adopted the baby.
This social worker is still dealing with the pain of removing that baby. She is frustrated that she was powerless to do anything. As she sat there talking I wondered if they ever have therapists come in and talk with the social workers. We see so much pain as foster parents but as a social worker they see so much more.
I am not going to talk about whether social workers are good or bad. Social workers are human. They make judgments every day, some better than others. They make these judgments based on their own life history and experiences. Every day they are lied to by numerous parties. I would imagine that they would get cynical after years of working in the field.
I have seen their pain. A few years ago DSS, GAL and foster parent asked that a specific child not go home. The judge sent him home. He was dead within a few months. Terrible. Ask any social worker involved in that case and they talk abut how powerless they were to prevent that child's death. The judge made a judgment call and the child paid the price. I am not sure why he went against DSS and the GAL recommendations. I wonder if he will do that again. When the social workers talk about that case, you hear their pain.
When we had Emma and Michelle placed with us they came from a disrupted adoptive placement. The previous adoptive home had never fostered, they were not prepared. They looked good on paper but had no clue what they were getting themselves into. The kids paid the price for that, another move. The social worker who placed them in that home also placed them in our home. She gave us every bit of information about the girls. She wanted to make sure that they did not move again. One day she talked to me, she told me of her regret about placing the girls in the other home. She said that she couldn't see placing kids in a home without foster or adoption experience. When she talked with me she was coming from a painful place.
I have developed relationships with a lot of social workers over the years. I have been the listening ear to many frustrations and painful experiences. Every day they see pain and loss. I can't say if social workers are good or bad, I can tell you that they are hurting too. Before you judge, stop and think, what has my social worker been dealing with this week. Am I helping or hurting her efforts?
Next, the foster parent responsibilities.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Immunizations
Little Man has been keeping me quite busy. He has 4 molars coming in at the same time and last week got his 12 month immunizations. He was a little late because every time I took him in he had ear infections. He is a tough little guy, no fever or ear pulling to let me know that he was in pain.
He is a busy little guy, always into something.
I will say that I am an advocate for immunizations. I knew and adult that had polio as a child. It gave him a life full of challenges. Having my children immunized helps the children who are too young or too sick and can't get protected.
However, I am not a huge advocate of the sheer number of shots they give at one time. I was surprised when they came in with 4 shots. I had some reservations because of his teething. I should have listened to my instincts. I should have requested that he get two that day and the other two in a few weeks.
He came home and took a nap. After he woke up from his nap he wouldn't leave my lap. He was miserable, feverish and not himself. The child who played with a double ear infection was laid low by those shots. I held him until my husband got home and then he held him for a long while. He laid there crying and hot. Going outside (his favorite thing) didn't perk him up. He just had to work through it.
It seems like kids get a lot more shots now then when my older ones were young. So I went searching and found that it was true. However, the number of visits hasn't increased. Why do they not spread the vaccines out more? I know that next time I will be more aware and will not allow more than two at a time.
There is a lot of debate about vaccines at this time. The only one that I haven't given my kids is the HPV. That is for older girls, not infants. Anyone have an opinion on that specific one? I have heard some very negative things about it.
He is a busy little guy, always into something.
He is so determined to get his shoes on my himself. I expect to hear him say "me do it" someday soon.
I will say that I am an advocate for immunizations. I knew and adult that had polio as a child. It gave him a life full of challenges. Having my children immunized helps the children who are too young or too sick and can't get protected.
However, I am not a huge advocate of the sheer number of shots they give at one time. I was surprised when they came in with 4 shots. I had some reservations because of his teething. I should have listened to my instincts. I should have requested that he get two that day and the other two in a few weeks.
He came home and took a nap. After he woke up from his nap he wouldn't leave my lap. He was miserable, feverish and not himself. The child who played with a double ear infection was laid low by those shots. I held him until my husband got home and then he held him for a long while. He laid there crying and hot. Going outside (his favorite thing) didn't perk him up. He just had to work through it.
It seems like kids get a lot more shots now then when my older ones were young. So I went searching and found that it was true. However, the number of visits hasn't increased. Why do they not spread the vaccines out more? I know that next time I will be more aware and will not allow more than two at a time.
There is a lot of debate about vaccines at this time. The only one that I haven't given my kids is the HPV. That is for older girls, not infants. Anyone have an opinion on that specific one? I have heard some very negative things about it.
http://www.historyofvaccines.org/m/history-immunization-schedule
Recommended Vaccines (1975-1994)
MMR (new)
The measles, mumps, and rubella vaccine began to be more widely used after mumps vaccination was recommended for all children in 1977.
In 1977, 57,345 cases of measles were reported in the United States. By 1984, the number of cases had fallen by 95%, to 2,587.
HIB (new)
A polysaccharide vaccine for Haemophilus influenzae type B (Hib) was licensed for use in children 18 months and older in 1985. It was replaced by conjugate vaccines licensed in 1990 and recommended in 1991. After introduction of the vaccine, the number of meningitis-related deaths from Hib dropped from 600 to fewer than 10 per year.
Hepatitis B (new)
The hepatitis B vaccine was recommended for all infants beginning in 1991.
DTP
Polio (OPV)
Recommended Vaccines (2005-present)
HPV (new)
The first human papillomavirus (HPV) vaccine was licensed in 2006 and recommended by ACIP for girls and women aged 11-26. The vaccination is licensed for use in boys and men, but ACIP has not recommended such use.
Hepatitis A (new)
The first hepatitis A vaccine was licensed in 1995 and recommended for all children on May 19, 2006.
Meningococcal (new)
Since 2005, the meningococcal vaccine has been recommended for all adolescents at age 11-12.
DTaP
Polio
MMR
Hib
Hepatitis B
Influenza
In 2010, ACIP expanded its previous recommendation for seasonal influenza vaccination to include all people older than 6 months who do not have a contraindication to the vaccine.
Varicella
Rotavirus
The CDC has stated that “before introduction of a vaccine in 2006, rotavirus caused an estimated 20 to 60 deaths [and] 55,000 to 70,000 hospitalizations…in the U.S. each year.” A study of representative U.S. laboratories showed that in 2008-2009 the number of positive rotavirus test results was 60% lower than in the prevaccine era.
Pneumococcal
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Respite Care
We did respite care on Friday and Saturday. A 5 month old who was wearing a size 1 diaper and a very skinny 2 year old. At 6 am the 2 year old walked into my home. Literally walked in Athe front door and sized up the place. I guess we passed because she came up to me and said. "Mom, I hungry." Well, naturally I fed her.
She made herself right at home and didn't want to leave when it was time to go. She isn't the first foster child to have this reaction. No cares about separation from their foster family. No mention of any other mom. This little one was quite a talker. If you had come by you would have thought that she had been with us for a long time. We called her Little Bit because her foster mom quickly told me both girls names but said they call her Little Bit. Honestly, I couldn't pronounce the names let alone spell them. So we had Little Bit and Munchkin (we named the 5 month old).
I am amazed at how many kids walk into our home with no tears. It is easier to number those that cried for their mom then to number the ones who don't. I often wonder why. I hand Little Man off to the church nursery to a flood of tears each Sunday. I don't think that he would calmly walk into a strangers home, there would be tears.
We are often called by DSS to see if we will do respite care. For those who don't know, respite care in foster care is when a foster family needs someone to take care of their foster child for a short period of time. Typically foster families do respite care for other foster families. We are licensed so no one has to worry about SLED checks and such. The family that provides respite care is paid the per diem rate, here that is a little over $10/day.
We try to say yes every time they call. On the other hand, we try to use respite ourselves as little as possible. Our Little Man has never gone to respite care. He simply goes on vacation with us. Many foster parents take their kids on vacation with them. Some never do and some had plans prior to kids coming into their care that can't accommodate other kids. We have also done respite care for a sick foster mom, another foster mom needed a break from behaviors, so it is not used for just vacations.
While I don't like to use respite care, it can sometimes be necessary. Has any of my readers been a respite provider?
She made herself right at home and didn't want to leave when it was time to go. She isn't the first foster child to have this reaction. No cares about separation from their foster family. No mention of any other mom. This little one was quite a talker. If you had come by you would have thought that she had been with us for a long time. We called her Little Bit because her foster mom quickly told me both girls names but said they call her Little Bit. Honestly, I couldn't pronounce the names let alone spell them. So we had Little Bit and Munchkin (we named the 5 month old).
I am amazed at how many kids walk into our home with no tears. It is easier to number those that cried for their mom then to number the ones who don't. I often wonder why. I hand Little Man off to the church nursery to a flood of tears each Sunday. I don't think that he would calmly walk into a strangers home, there would be tears.
We are often called by DSS to see if we will do respite care. For those who don't know, respite care in foster care is when a foster family needs someone to take care of their foster child for a short period of time. Typically foster families do respite care for other foster families. We are licensed so no one has to worry about SLED checks and such. The family that provides respite care is paid the per diem rate, here that is a little over $10/day.
We try to say yes every time they call. On the other hand, we try to use respite ourselves as little as possible. Our Little Man has never gone to respite care. He simply goes on vacation with us. Many foster parents take their kids on vacation with them. Some never do and some had plans prior to kids coming into their care that can't accommodate other kids. We have also done respite care for a sick foster mom, another foster mom needed a break from behaviors, so it is not used for just vacations.
While I don't like to use respite care, it can sometimes be necessary. Has any of my readers been a respite provider?
Monday, April 13, 2015
Plans to Homeschool
I have mentioned that I plan on homeschooling Larissa next year. Traditional school and her seizures are just not working for her. We are hobbling along for the rest of the school year. She has missed 26 days of school this year, many of those related to her seizures.
Another child we have been dealing with is Emma. I really felt that she needed to be retained this year. We feel that emotionally and academically she is really not ready for the third grade. We had a meeting with her school and they told us that she is actually testing fine and would be bored in the third grade. This didn't match with the struggles I see with homework and her weekly grades but it is hard to fight with the numbers from their testing.
Over spring break we received her latest testing in the mail. She tested below grade level in every subject. My husband asked me why we weren't having her retained. As I sat there thinking about our options the thought came to me that she needed to be homeschooled next year. Her behavior at school has been good, she has acclimated to that environment well. However, she is still emotionally and in my opinion academically struggling.
She has come a long way with attachment. However, I feel as though I need to work on my attachment with her more. I love her, I am attached to her but those early years of tantrumming and fighting attachment on her part have taken their toll on me. She still tends to have tantrums at times. They are much shorter in duration but take a toll nonetheless. We discuss these tantrums after she is calmed down but so far they continue. I hope that as we both take the time to work on attachment that perhaps some of her old coping behaviors will dissipate.
I think that by homeschooling I can better understand Emma and her emotional and academic needs. Next year shall be very interesting indeed.
Another child we have been dealing with is Emma. I really felt that she needed to be retained this year. We feel that emotionally and academically she is really not ready for the third grade. We had a meeting with her school and they told us that she is actually testing fine and would be bored in the third grade. This didn't match with the struggles I see with homework and her weekly grades but it is hard to fight with the numbers from their testing.
Over spring break we received her latest testing in the mail. She tested below grade level in every subject. My husband asked me why we weren't having her retained. As I sat there thinking about our options the thought came to me that she needed to be homeschooled next year. Her behavior at school has been good, she has acclimated to that environment well. However, she is still emotionally and in my opinion academically struggling.
She has come a long way with attachment. However, I feel as though I need to work on my attachment with her more. I love her, I am attached to her but those early years of tantrumming and fighting attachment on her part have taken their toll on me. She still tends to have tantrums at times. They are much shorter in duration but take a toll nonetheless. We discuss these tantrums after she is calmed down but so far they continue. I hope that as we both take the time to work on attachment that perhaps some of her old coping behaviors will dissipate.
I think that by homeschooling I can better understand Emma and her emotional and academic needs. Next year shall be very interesting indeed.
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Pink Zebra Striped Furniture
This piece has been sitting buried in my garage for some time now. Emma asked to have it a while back and I said she could. Since my back was better I spent Monday cleaning out the garage so I could get it out! Yes, it took all day because it was in the back.....and my garage is full of projects waiting to happen.
Emma requested pink zebra stripes and wanted green somewhere. Tuesday I made progress.
Today I finished it. She loves it. Now we just need to get it moved upstairs.
Monday, April 6, 2015
Personal Note
I typically don't write too much about my faith. I started this blog to update family and to also educate about our experiences with adoption and foster care. For me, my faith does have an impact on our adoption/fostering journey. I feel called to work with children. However, I don't feel that you have to be a Christian to feel the need to foster or adopt so I have not stressed that aspect of my life. However, I'd like to share a recent personal experience.......
For over a month my lower back has been killing me. Lower back pain that shoots across both hips. At times I felt that I was going to fall. When walking down the stairs I would hold that hand rail just in case. I was not getting anything done at home because of the pain.
After a few weeks I went to the doctor. She gave me some steroids. It helped for two days and then the pain came back with a vengeance. I was in pain for a few more weeks and was thinking about calling my doctor again (I really don't like to go to the doctor). Part of me thought that it would eventually just get better. Saturday morning the pain was so bad that I decided that on Monday I would call the doctor.
Saturday night when I was praying it came to me to pray for relief from my back pain. I am not in a habit of praying for myself but this back pain has been impacting me with my work at home. I was desperate.
Well, Sunday morning I woke up with no pain. Today I woke up with no pain. As in NO pain. I was surprised when I woke up yesterday and didn't have any pain. That was a first in over a month. Then today when I woke up with no pain again I was reminded of my prayer. For me, that is the first time that I knew that my prayer had been answered.
For over a month my lower back has been killing me. Lower back pain that shoots across both hips. At times I felt that I was going to fall. When walking down the stairs I would hold that hand rail just in case. I was not getting anything done at home because of the pain.
After a few weeks I went to the doctor. She gave me some steroids. It helped for two days and then the pain came back with a vengeance. I was in pain for a few more weeks and was thinking about calling my doctor again (I really don't like to go to the doctor). Part of me thought that it would eventually just get better. Saturday morning the pain was so bad that I decided that on Monday I would call the doctor.
Saturday night when I was praying it came to me to pray for relief from my back pain. I am not in a habit of praying for myself but this back pain has been impacting me with my work at home. I was desperate.
Well, Sunday morning I woke up with no pain. Today I woke up with no pain. As in NO pain. I was surprised when I woke up yesterday and didn't have any pain. That was a first in over a month. Then today when I woke up with no pain again I was reminded of my prayer. For me, that is the first time that I knew that my prayer had been answered.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Busy Day
I sat the pinata out today with the supplies to finish it. At different points throughout the day all the girls worked on it. Anthony wasn't interested.
Yes, you see Michelle. Sometimes mom just has to give grace. I told her that she should work as hard to stay out of trouble as she works to get into trouble. Today was a good day for her.
The kids helped clean the pool and wanted to swim. The water is too cold for me!
Once again I had to limit Emma's contact with the dog. In just a few days I can see the difference in the dogs behavior.
Work in progress.
Finished....and I forgot to buy candy today to put in it!
We saw a different way to dye eggs and decided to try it out. Shaving cream and food dye.
You get the swirls on the egg but mostly red. It didn't seem to matter what others colors you used, the eggs all came out predominately red.
Sarah is home for the weekend and asked me to make her a cross with some nails. I have some horse nails somewhere but can't find them. I used some regular nails.
She is happy with it so it works.
Tomorrow shall be a busy day. Church and lots of cooking, spending the afternoon with family and friends.
Friday, April 3, 2015
Little Man
Little Man has been quite busy. He is trying very hard to walk down the stairs without using the side wall. So far he has not succeeded as the bruises on his forehead will tell you.
He has learned how to climb onto chairs and thus the dining room table. There are always treasures to be found there. Today he learned how to open doors. Folks, this is not a good thing! Good thing we have squeaky shoes to keep track of him between all the door slamming.
Besides mama and daddy his favorite word is outside. He loves to be outside. I have a video of him sliding down the slide. It is hilarious and proof that he will be a roller coaster boy. Wish I could share, perhaps later.
He is also my first baby to have seasonal allergies. I took him to the doctors today and came out with antibiotics for a double ear infection. He wasn't running a fever or pulling at his ears. He just seemed a little fussier. Since his nose has been running nonstop since the cars turned green outside I figured he would have ear issues.
That band-aid......lasted 3 minutes.
The red hair is still red. Is it possible for it to be any redder? The other day an elderly lady came up and rubbed his head for good luck. I didn't know that was a thing. Learn something new every day. Since I rub his head every day something great must be coming. Hopefully it will be a new birth certificate with the name of Benjamin on it.
Today his aunt came by. She said that his mother is with a new guy who has kids of his own. She expects that she will be pregnant soon if she already isn't. If she does have another child it will be her 5th. Yes, her 5th and she is raising none of them.
I have such different feelings with this situation. It is appropriate to talk about the mother's loss. About how much the biological mother is losing and the grief that comes with that. By us adopting, someone is losing.
However, honestly I don't feel that way with this one. His mother has done nothing on her plan. She did the big talk but hasn't done anything. Now the family is telling me that on all the visits she never held him, they did. I saw this and the SW saw this but we assumed that his momma held him at some point. On the last visit she came to she was told that she had to come alone, no more family members were allowed. She never came back for another visit. She was never alone with her son. When told that she needed to bond with her child she walked away. She hasn't been heard from since.
It is crazy. I just can't imagine. I am a very empathetic person but I am having a hard time feeling empathy towards her. I don't feel anger. I don't actually feel anything towards her and that is unusual for me. I will say though, that she brought a beautiful child into this world and in these days of abortions I greatly appreciate that. He is such a blessing for us.
He has learned how to climb onto chairs and thus the dining room table. There are always treasures to be found there. Today he learned how to open doors. Folks, this is not a good thing! Good thing we have squeaky shoes to keep track of him between all the door slamming.
Besides mama and daddy his favorite word is outside. He loves to be outside. I have a video of him sliding down the slide. It is hilarious and proof that he will be a roller coaster boy. Wish I could share, perhaps later.
He is also my first baby to have seasonal allergies. I took him to the doctors today and came out with antibiotics for a double ear infection. He wasn't running a fever or pulling at his ears. He just seemed a little fussier. Since his nose has been running nonstop since the cars turned green outside I figured he would have ear issues.
That band-aid......lasted 3 minutes.
The red hair is still red. Is it possible for it to be any redder? The other day an elderly lady came up and rubbed his head for good luck. I didn't know that was a thing. Learn something new every day. Since I rub his head every day something great must be coming. Hopefully it will be a new birth certificate with the name of Benjamin on it.
Today his aunt came by. She said that his mother is with a new guy who has kids of his own. She expects that she will be pregnant soon if she already isn't. If she does have another child it will be her 5th. Yes, her 5th and she is raising none of them.
I have such different feelings with this situation. It is appropriate to talk about the mother's loss. About how much the biological mother is losing and the grief that comes with that. By us adopting, someone is losing.
However, honestly I don't feel that way with this one. His mother has done nothing on her plan. She did the big talk but hasn't done anything. Now the family is telling me that on all the visits she never held him, they did. I saw this and the SW saw this but we assumed that his momma held him at some point. On the last visit she came to she was told that she had to come alone, no more family members were allowed. She never came back for another visit. She was never alone with her son. When told that she needed to bond with her child she walked away. She hasn't been heard from since.
It is crazy. I just can't imagine. I am a very empathetic person but I am having a hard time feeling empathy towards her. I don't feel anger. I don't actually feel anything towards her and that is unusual for me. I will say though, that she brought a beautiful child into this world and in these days of abortions I greatly appreciate that. He is such a blessing for us.
Road Trip
This summer we are going on a road trip. We are heading up north to visit family.
The program that mapped it out for me took us through Canada after visiting Niagara Falls. I am not sure if we will be able to take that northern route since we need a passport for Little Man. DSS has told me that they will get him one but I will believe it when I see it. Any foster parents out there ever get a passport for their foster child?
If we don't have the passport we will take a southern route from Niagara Falls to Elkhart.
Anyone along that route with suggestions of places that we should see? Any hotel suggestions for large families?
The program that mapped it out for me took us through Canada after visiting Niagara Falls. I am not sure if we will be able to take that northern route since we need a passport for Little Man. DSS has told me that they will get him one but I will believe it when I see it. Any foster parents out there ever get a passport for their foster child?
If we don't have the passport we will take a southern route from Niagara Falls to Elkhart.
Anyone along that route with suggestions of places that we should see? Any hotel suggestions for large families?
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Change is Needed
Every day I get on my computer and I plan on writing about Michelle. Every day I hope to write that things have turned around, that she is making better decisions for herself. Every day I have stopped writing because, well, it is complicated. Or simple. I am not sure. I can see it, the history that got her where she is today. I can see why on a certain level she continues. But then, I am often amazed that she continues to make her decisions in spite of the consequences. That she is unwilling to change her game. Am I confusing you, I confuse myself often.
When Michelle was just barely 4 years old she took her younger sister by the hand and ran away. I don't think that at that age she knew what would happen, I am not sure if she was running to something or away. When they were picked up off of the highway DSS went to their home where her father was. He was drunk and said that he couldn't take care of the girls. Their mom was in jail at that time. So they came into care.
I have been rereading their history. Looking for clues. Making sure that there wasn't something I overlooked. I haven't found anything new. There is a little comment in there from the grandparent that Michelle was wanted by her mother but Emma wasn't. They wanted the girls to be adopted, especially Emma.
Emma struggled from the very beginning. Every move they had was because of Emma's behavior. Her behavior worsened to the point where she was screaming for hours every day. That was when we got them.
Michelle is very bright. I remember one time I caught her in an obvious lie and I asked her how she thought that she would get away with that one. Her response was that she has lived with lots of stupid people. I don't think that she has lived with lots of stupid people. I do think that she has lived with lots of foster parents that were not prepared to deal with her sisters behaviors so they didn't pay much attention to Michelle's lies. Many times her lies are simply to tell people what they want to hear.
I don't understand why they kept moving the girls to regular foster homes when it was quite apparent that Emma needed more. Their previous adoptive placement hadn't even fostered, they were totally unprepared. I imagine that they saw two cute girls and had no idea what behaviors to expect.
While her sister was raging Michelle was the good girl. Quick with her love you's and help. Also quick to lie to you to make you happy. She wanted the adults around her to be happy, she didn't want to move and move. I remember well her desperation in those early days. When her sister would rage she would panic. She tried to "fix" it. She would even yell at her sister to stop because she didn't want to move. I assured her that they wouldn't move but she had heard it before. Words are not worth much. Adults lie, why shouldn't she? Don't lies make life easier? Make people happier?
During those 7 moves something was lost. Michelle was lost. Even today it is hard to buy for her, she changes according to others desires and wishes. If I were to say that I wanted my kids to become dentists, that is what she would say she wants to be. I don't know what Michelle likes, I don't think that Michelle knows either.
In the last few months her life has been turned upside down. Her sister has turned around. No longer does Emma tantrum for hours. She still has her little fits at times but it is nothing compared to screaming for hours. I caught Michelle trying to turn her sister back. She tried lying, tried instigating, tried to get her balance again. As Emma was healing Michelle's lying was escalating. It reached the point where I felt that it was a serious issue and "the main issue" that we were going to deal with in our house.
All the children were guilty at a certain level. First we offered the "do over". An opportunity to stop and think about your response. Larissa responded to that quickly but has not really been much of a liar. I had noticed that she was picking it up and wanted it stopped. Anthony came around second when he realized that it was just easier to tell the truth. At one point Emma realized that the consequence for lying was worse than anything she was lying about. She started stopping and thinking. Michelle refused. She sticks with a lie with much drama, crying and screaming. Actually the louder she cries and carries on the more I know that she is lying.
There are consequences for every lie. That was when Michelle decided to run away....in her bare feet in the cold. Once again I don't think she really thought that out. Of course on that day she lied to the neighbors, us and police. Then she dug in her heals. Her behavior on all fronts got worse, even church. At church she got to sit with us. She hated that the most. Just this last Sunday we let her go back to the children's church with the notice that if she disrespects her teacher she will be right back sitting with us. She did well, she knows that I mean it.
One day I told her not not bring home a yellow. I never said that again since she came home that day with a blue....steps down from yellow. I'd rather see yellows!
She made a critical error one day by having me sign that she got a green. I received a call from her teacher the next day to see what I had signed. Ahh, she didn't have a green, Michelle had changed it. That made things harder for her at school since her teacher now has no trust for Michelle.
Michelle has been seeing the therapist at school and she was excited about it. I called the therapist and told her that I wanted Michelle to earn the opportunity to see her. We agreed that Michelle had to have two green days to be able to see her. Michelle hasn't missed a weekly visit. She will get two green each week so that she can visit the therapist. I know that might sound strange, to make her earn therapist visits. They play games and such and I didn't want her to think that she only sees the therapist if she has bad behavior. Since she really enjoys going I wanted her to earn it....and she did. This tells us that she is totally in control of her behavior.
This week is spring break. She has been grounded. Grounded from all electronics and special activities. It has been a challenge. I walk out to the garage and walk in to find her standing in front of the TV. She found one of Tasha's adult books and was reading it behind another book. Every day it is something. She seems to be hypervigilant in finding some way to get away with something.
She is upset, she has missed movies, Father/Daughter dance, Kings Mountain, fun projects and such. But obviously not enough to feel the need to make a change. However, change is needed. Michelle needs to learn how to be honest, not only with others but with herself. She needs to learn who she is. She needs to learn to love herself. I don't think that she does at this time.
When Michelle was just barely 4 years old she took her younger sister by the hand and ran away. I don't think that at that age she knew what would happen, I am not sure if she was running to something or away. When they were picked up off of the highway DSS went to their home where her father was. He was drunk and said that he couldn't take care of the girls. Their mom was in jail at that time. So they came into care.
I have been rereading their history. Looking for clues. Making sure that there wasn't something I overlooked. I haven't found anything new. There is a little comment in there from the grandparent that Michelle was wanted by her mother but Emma wasn't. They wanted the girls to be adopted, especially Emma.
Emma struggled from the very beginning. Every move they had was because of Emma's behavior. Her behavior worsened to the point where she was screaming for hours every day. That was when we got them.
Michelle is very bright. I remember one time I caught her in an obvious lie and I asked her how she thought that she would get away with that one. Her response was that she has lived with lots of stupid people. I don't think that she has lived with lots of stupid people. I do think that she has lived with lots of foster parents that were not prepared to deal with her sisters behaviors so they didn't pay much attention to Michelle's lies. Many times her lies are simply to tell people what they want to hear.
I don't understand why they kept moving the girls to regular foster homes when it was quite apparent that Emma needed more. Their previous adoptive placement hadn't even fostered, they were totally unprepared. I imagine that they saw two cute girls and had no idea what behaviors to expect.
While her sister was raging Michelle was the good girl. Quick with her love you's and help. Also quick to lie to you to make you happy. She wanted the adults around her to be happy, she didn't want to move and move. I remember well her desperation in those early days. When her sister would rage she would panic. She tried to "fix" it. She would even yell at her sister to stop because she didn't want to move. I assured her that they wouldn't move but she had heard it before. Words are not worth much. Adults lie, why shouldn't she? Don't lies make life easier? Make people happier?
During those 7 moves something was lost. Michelle was lost. Even today it is hard to buy for her, she changes according to others desires and wishes. If I were to say that I wanted my kids to become dentists, that is what she would say she wants to be. I don't know what Michelle likes, I don't think that Michelle knows either.
In the last few months her life has been turned upside down. Her sister has turned around. No longer does Emma tantrum for hours. She still has her little fits at times but it is nothing compared to screaming for hours. I caught Michelle trying to turn her sister back. She tried lying, tried instigating, tried to get her balance again. As Emma was healing Michelle's lying was escalating. It reached the point where I felt that it was a serious issue and "the main issue" that we were going to deal with in our house.
All the children were guilty at a certain level. First we offered the "do over". An opportunity to stop and think about your response. Larissa responded to that quickly but has not really been much of a liar. I had noticed that she was picking it up and wanted it stopped. Anthony came around second when he realized that it was just easier to tell the truth. At one point Emma realized that the consequence for lying was worse than anything she was lying about. She started stopping and thinking. Michelle refused. She sticks with a lie with much drama, crying and screaming. Actually the louder she cries and carries on the more I know that she is lying.
There are consequences for every lie. That was when Michelle decided to run away....in her bare feet in the cold. Once again I don't think she really thought that out. Of course on that day she lied to the neighbors, us and police. Then she dug in her heals. Her behavior on all fronts got worse, even church. At church she got to sit with us. She hated that the most. Just this last Sunday we let her go back to the children's church with the notice that if she disrespects her teacher she will be right back sitting with us. She did well, she knows that I mean it.
One day I told her not not bring home a yellow. I never said that again since she came home that day with a blue....steps down from yellow. I'd rather see yellows!
She made a critical error one day by having me sign that she got a green. I received a call from her teacher the next day to see what I had signed. Ahh, she didn't have a green, Michelle had changed it. That made things harder for her at school since her teacher now has no trust for Michelle.
Michelle has been seeing the therapist at school and she was excited about it. I called the therapist and told her that I wanted Michelle to earn the opportunity to see her. We agreed that Michelle had to have two green days to be able to see her. Michelle hasn't missed a weekly visit. She will get two green each week so that she can visit the therapist. I know that might sound strange, to make her earn therapist visits. They play games and such and I didn't want her to think that she only sees the therapist if she has bad behavior. Since she really enjoys going I wanted her to earn it....and she did. This tells us that she is totally in control of her behavior.
This week is spring break. She has been grounded. Grounded from all electronics and special activities. It has been a challenge. I walk out to the garage and walk in to find her standing in front of the TV. She found one of Tasha's adult books and was reading it behind another book. Every day it is something. She seems to be hypervigilant in finding some way to get away with something.
She is upset, she has missed movies, Father/Daughter dance, Kings Mountain, fun projects and such. But obviously not enough to feel the need to make a change. However, change is needed. Michelle needs to learn how to be honest, not only with others but with herself. She needs to learn who she is. She needs to learn to love herself. I don't think that she does at this time.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Turtle Rescue
If you ever see one of these little red-eared slider turtles for sale and are tempted to buy one, don't unless you are willing to put a lot of effort into taking care of them.
I acquired this turtle from a girl who thought it was cute in the beginning. This poor turtle has been living in this little tank for over a month.
The little container didn't have a space for the turtle to dry off or enough water to swim in.
For the first night I put him in a bigger container and used the lid as a dry spot. Previously the turtle had no way to get dry. These turtles need a basking spot with a heat lamp and a UV lamp. They need warm water and are very dirty so need a good filtration system.
They also don't stay small. They can get to 10 inches. That requires a huge tank.
As soon as I turned on the basking light he got onto his dock and stuck his leg out.
Also, these turtles can have salmonella. I don't really have my kids handle them much, mostly when we are cleaning out the cage. Then I ensure that they are washing their hands. When we have turtles they are for watching, not handling.
I haven't named my little fellow yet. I hope he survives his early lack of proper care.
Any turtle name ideas?
I acquired this turtle from a girl who thought it was cute in the beginning. This poor turtle has been living in this little tank for over a month.
The little container didn't have a space for the turtle to dry off or enough water to swim in.
For the first night I put him in a bigger container and used the lid as a dry spot. Previously the turtle had no way to get dry. These turtles need a basking spot with a heat lamp and a UV lamp. They need warm water and are very dirty so need a good filtration system.
They also don't stay small. They can get to 10 inches. That requires a huge tank.
As soon as I turned on the basking light he got onto his dock and stuck his leg out.
Also, these turtles can have salmonella. I don't really have my kids handle them much, mostly when we are cleaning out the cage. Then I ensure that they are washing their hands. When we have turtles they are for watching, not handling.
I haven't named my little fellow yet. I hope he survives his early lack of proper care.
Any turtle name ideas?